This is going to be "interesting".
I've so much in my mind. So much that I feel if I don't vent out to someone soon, I'm sure it'll consume me and eat me alive. I'm sick and tired of people telling me what to do and what not to do. The arrival of baby should be something I look forward to. And I do. God, I cannot wait to hold her. It's the other part of the story that's killing me.
I don't want to believe he'll leave me for not doing what she wants me to. I refuse to. She always uses that to defend and make me do what she wants me to do. Manipulative, yes. Sad. I always get the blues when these things happen. I feel un-supported. Yet, I don't want to offend.
Remind me this when it's your time, baby.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Life Fulfillments
I'm curious to know how the pain of giving birth feels like.
Every woman describes and experiences it differently. I hope mine would run smooth. I know it may sound strange. But today while having lunch, a very wrinkled and old lady (maybe in her 80's) with her old seat-type-crutch sat next table to us alone. For reasons I may not be able to explain, I thought to myself, if I didn't get to feel the joy of being married.. and the pain delivering my own children at least once, I've not experienced and lived a fulfilling life. A very sad old hag I'd be when I'm as old as that woman next to us. After all, they say your happiest day is your wedding day and childbirth is the most excruciating pain. For now, alhamdulillah, I'm about to satisfy both my life-fulfillment needs. So yeah I am curious to find out what all this childbirth pain people all over the world are jibber-jabbering about. And now labour pains.. bring it on before I call in the drugs! =)
Every woman describes and experiences it differently. I hope mine would run smooth. I know it may sound strange. But today while having lunch, a very wrinkled and old lady (maybe in her 80's) with her old seat-type-crutch sat next table to us alone. For reasons I may not be able to explain, I thought to myself, if I didn't get to feel the joy of being married.. and the pain delivering my own children at least once, I've not experienced and lived a fulfilling life. A very sad old hag I'd be when I'm as old as that woman next to us. After all, they say your happiest day is your wedding day and childbirth is the most excruciating pain. For now, alhamdulillah, I'm about to satisfy both my life-fulfillment needs. So yeah I am curious to find out what all this childbirth pain people all over the world are jibber-jabbering about. And now labour pains.. bring it on before I call in the drugs! =)
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Transition
Are you kidding me?
I am afraid.
Well maybe not afraid afraid..
Perhaps more of overwhelmed..
Playing the 'what if' game in my mind.
What if I cannot handle it.
What if I'm a bad mother.
What if I drop her.
What if everything's my fault?
It'll never end.
So I'll take it a step at a time.
I wish we'll have a good relationship.
Well.. don't everyone..?
I wish we'll have a healthy relationship.
I promise to do my best with what I have available at the moment in time.
That's all I can hope for.
I am afraid.
Well maybe not afraid afraid..
Perhaps more of overwhelmed..
Playing the 'what if' game in my mind.
What if I cannot handle it.
What if I'm a bad mother.
What if I drop her.
What if everything's my fault?
It'll never end.
So I'll take it a step at a time.
I wish we'll have a good relationship.
Well.. don't everyone..?
I wish we'll have a healthy relationship.
I promise to do my best with what I have available at the moment in time.
That's all I can hope for.
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