Welcoming 2015

Wow.

I really outdid myself - on keeping up with this blog!
SO much has happened in the past few months.
2013/2014 turned out to be challenging year for us. In fact, it became one of the most challenging phase for me. It still is. I still do feel like I'm walking on ice.

Worst is Papa's passing.
He passed on Feb 13th 2014.
Now that it's almost a year passing, I still do feel numb. Looking back, I had secretly prepared myself for this. I knew he won't last forever. And I still have a lot to prove to him. Still do.

We are now residing in the land down under.
Life is okay. There are hard times for sure. Dreams do come true but of course at a price. I am currently working on another dream. It is about to come true *crossfingers*

Mia is such a big girl now. She's not sick as often now that we're here. I suspect there's something to do about the air as well. Or maybe her body has adapted and overcame all nasty bugs. Either way, I'm happy that she's a lot better now. Starting school too! Year One! Can you believe it? She's turning six soon.

Now that we had just passed Papa's birthday, I am not looking forward to February. My mind keeps on going back to thoughts of him. And missing him miserably. It never gets easier. I'm just getting used to the ache and letting days go by. Funnily, sometimes, I feel it's okay. It's about time he has his rest. I'm not afraid to die. I know he'll be there waiting for me. ..

Approved!!

So once again I had disappeared and abandoned this blog for few months.

But today I'm back!
And with super good news too. Our residency application has been approved! We're now waiting for the official letter and then we can start planning our next move. Exciting!!

Well okay first things first.
New Year's Resolution.
1. To cook more often at home
2. To resign from current job
3. To have this BIG move we've planned about
4. Drink more water
5. Travel
6. Plan for #2
7. Spend more time with Mia

Almost half of the list is ticked off. And it's only the second month of 2013!!

Unlike last year, things are looking high up for us this year. Last year we were slammed down with hospital visits, news, health issues right, left and center. Most importantly, we were surrounded with each other. That counts the most :)

So yesterday was Valentines Day and our big news was enough to put smiles and grins on our faces the entire day. No amount of flowers or meals could beat how elated we are right now about it. We sure have a lot to look forward to this year and as with all plans in life, we hope to achieve them. Alhamdulillah and Insyallah. 

Bday pressie :)

So yesterday I received this gorgeous iPhone S4 as a be-earlied bday pressie and i'm lovin it!! :) I know it's so close to the release of iPhone 5 but I'm not going to whine abt it. This is great! Of course one of the few things I explored with are the twitter and appstore pf course. And because I use google docs few hours daily, it makes sense to also check that out as well. And now to testing if I can blog better, which as you can see here is allllll well ;) hoping to be updating here more often now *wink* til yhe

Fighting Henoch Schonlein Purpura Disease

There were many times I wish to turn to this blog and document my thoughts. Most times only thoughts rushes by. And heart wearies with emotions. There were just no words to describe. Only feelings and mostly pain. So I guess there are things where only the heart knows. And not the mind.

Sometimes I wonder if Mia will ever read my posts here. If I will ever allow her to. And will she understand, forgive and accepts that I am only human. I wish she doesn't see me as a superhero. Although I try to be strong for her. I just hope it doesn't come across as something she wants to or have to turn out to be.

I may be strong. Actually I do think I am. I don't think many people who had gone through my life would turn out to be like me. It was a hell of a journey. And it is not common at all. But that doesn't mean that I don't let myself go sometimes. There are many moments when I'd cry myself senseless at the world. My world. Once again, I am only human.

Less than a month ago Mia was diagnosed with Henoch Schonlein Purpura disease. It started when her left ankle was swollen without reason. We thought she must've sprained it since she is in the jumping phase. We had not witnessed a fall. One Sunday (June 17th) afternoon she said her leg hurts. The same night before getting ready for bed, she said she cannot walk. Her ankle was swollen. Rushed to Pantai Hosp and did an x-ray. The doctor said there were no traces of fracture so they'll treat it as a sprain. They arm us with pain-killers and bandaged her ankle. She was also referred to an ortho for a follow up. The following day the swelling subsided and she can walk again. Occasionally she'd complain it hurts. She also develop skin rash which I had thought from the bandages but strangely it was on both lower legs. I had assumed she had scratched them so bad that the other leg had also suffered the rash. On Tuesday she had a fever. On Thursday (June 21st) we went for the ortho appointment in the morning. And she was clear to go to school in the afternoon. On Friday (June 22nd) afternoon when I had collected her from school, her right knee was swollen, it was warm to touch. Her teacher said it happened after she woke up from her nap time. She wasn't doing anything physical.

Once again we rushed her to the hospital. They had admitted her the same night. She had x-rays done to ensure there were no bone fractures. A different ortho was on call but he was doing surgery at the time. So he had requested her to be admitted and monitor the swelling. They were concerned if the swelling gets bigger, it might mean she has an infection and will need surgery to drain it as soon possible. At around 1am the ortho came to check on her and said the swelling doesn't look too bad, it might be another injury and treat it as a sprain. Again. They wanted to monitor her further but by next day the swelling went down and she was already jumping about. She also told the nurses she wants to go home. The nurses checked with the ortho and he cleared us to be discharged. No pediatrician was involved. This was on Saturday.

Her rashes came and go. Someday worse than others. We applied lotion. The following Friday (June 29th) she had flu and cough. This time we decided to take her to her pediatrician instead, Dr Altaf. We had intended to get flu and cough medicine. However, once we were in the doctor's office, I poured out everything and all details from the beginning when she had a swollen ankle til present. He immediately does a routine check-up and checked her skin. That's when he said, "I think she might have something called Henoch Schonlein disease". I know my heart just stopped for a moment. I didn't realize she was having a  type of disease. He scribbled the name on a piece of paper. Told us to monitor her urine over the weekend, if her urine turned so dark and there are blood stained urine or in her poo, get her admitted immediately under a pediatrician and they will treat her kidneys. It meant the virus had effected her kidneys. No one know how some gets the disease while other don't but for Mia's case it is highly due to her low blood count (since birth) that had made her more susceptible to infections/viruses. We have to monitor her urine for about a month to ensure she is all cleared from the disease. It is common for the disease to re-cur, but we do not want it to re-cur too often or her kidney wouldn't be able to take it and will be damaged. So the school and us will have to monitor any sudden swellings of her joints.

Last Wednesday Mia had started Beaconhouse. She is adjusting pretty well and had her first school outing to Beryl's Chocolate Factory. More days now I feel she deserves to laugh out loud til our jaws hurt and our tummies aches. Because she deserves more of those days now than ever.

I will try my best to be strong for you, my little one. Although there are days when I too crumble and fall. But  for those little time when I become vulnerable, it was to build courage and made me stronger on most days for you.

For you. And everything in between.

Saw the world turning in my sheets 

and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; 

look at the stars beneath my feet.
Remember rights that I did wrong, 

so here I go.

Hello, hello. 

There is no place I cannot go.
My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy. 

Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, 

so here I go.

And so I sent some men to fight, 

and one came back at dead of night.
Said he'd seen my enemy. 

Said he looked just like me,
So I set out to cut myself and here I go.

I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.

And maybe someday we will meet, 

and maybe talk and not just speak.

Don't buy the promises 'cause, 

there are no promises I keep.
And my reflection troubles me, so here I go.

Saw the world turning in my sheets 

and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street;

 look at the stars.
Look at the stars fall down.
And wonder where did I go wrong.

Dear baby

Above all, I want you to learn that love trumps any other emotions be it anger, hate, frustrations, expectations.

Love, Mommy

Be Kind

Be kind to your children

Be kind to them when they're young

Because you don't only just have children and be responsible for them

You are also their nurturer and emotional supporter

For that will take you far with them

Far beyond lifetime

So be kind to them, be kind to your little ones

Teach them with love, gentle and kindness

Not with pain, anger nor hate

For that will reflect their future

Little by little, as little it takes