Weapons

Geez it's such HUGE relief to finally know it's not due on 11th. Just got the word few seconds ago and now I'm blogging instead of going absolutely mental with my research and client report.

I wonder what happen to those people I knew back when I was young. Those smart-head, all perfect, big shot people in school where every teacher adores and friends admire for their intelligence, hard-working and shining results. Then I found some of them. Actually, one of them to be exact. She seemed to be doing all right.

Or so I thought.

I thought she would have gone off being "someone", somewhere. And perhaps turn out to be very successful with a great job. Honestly, I do. Mind you, this person had called me "stupid" right in my face once, and actually meaning it. "Lembu pun lagi pandai". I remember. Deeply. I also remember thinking, at that time, that someday when we're adults, I would like to see where she lands on. With admiration, not resentment. And now I got my answer.

Our path crossed some time ago. Few years back when I saw her and we spoke. Asking how things are and turned out to be. She's still with the guy that to her, I was the reason they met and feel in love (funny). No, not married. That was the only time we met/communicate. Ashamed? I don't know. Busy? I'd like to think so.

Now our path crossed again but in a different way. Her sister is so big now. No indication she's with that guy anymore. I wonder if she remembers the things we did together. She's running away again, I can tell. A nice person we all agree. But very sad.

I do care.
We share the same star sign. I went to her house once and we played make up/dress up together. I don't want to remember anymore the bad things we did to each other. I wonder if she needs help. I wonder if she wants to talk to someone. She seems to be on the edge, waiting to fall down.

I was angry for a while, I know. Making me think that my future is not worth knowing. I am not the brightest kid in school. Nor was I the one with excellent performance. There's NO WAY I'd be like them. They'd probably turn out to be doctors, lawyers, engineers. Get into universities and live to be rich, successful people. How wrong was I? Talk about false hope. Sighh..

But I still do mean about wishing her well. And for her to open up and be true to herself. I wish she will wake up and get back on track again. Potential, heaps. It shone brightly long time ago. I wish she'll get that back again someday.

I wish her a lot of things. Only good things.

Ordinary Day

Few days ago, he went almost bald. He looked exactly how he does now when we met for the second time 6 years ago. He was in his white with one black spotted (don't ask) car, wearing his shades while I get into the car and he drove off with his music blaring and the strong scent of Glade car fragrant.

i can still smell that car fragrant..

He's on his way to finishing up his proposal so he's been up at un-Godly hours to get it done. Adil and Haz seems busy warming up their laptops to doing assignments and books nearing final exams. As for me, it's my final semester. FINAL! Then I'm done (we'll talk about PhD's later, ok. Let me enjoy lil bit here)! This is it. The final. I hope I do myself, if not others proud.

Not that it's confirmed, but I do think quite fair bit about continuing on. Papa is all for it. If I do decide to continue on, it'll be all for you. I must admit, it is flattering to get the title but most of all, it's about making them proud. My education level, is all about them. I decided long time ago that I study to see how far I can push/get myself into being educated. Now, today, I'm already impressed I got this far. If I'm to go further, I'll be doing it to make my parents the proudest people on earth. They deserve it and much much more. To play favourites, especially papa.

Today I just realized my client report, research critique and assignment is due much sooner than expected. My printer's back home and not intending to get back any soon, I headed to uni printing out without any cost! The psychology post-grad lab allows post graduates access to internet and free printing so hallelujah! Oh it just goes to show how much time I spend in uni, eh? Now with close to 3 inches (and more coming) stack of research reports and notes to read, am in no position to move anywhere outside the university or the village compound. We have made a pact not to go out as much anymore and making this weeked our last outing weekend. Now it's time to increase my focus, hold on a bit longer and not to get distracted.

With that said, gotta now hit the books!

She's just a bitter, lonely person..

so why bother?

Couldn't have said it better. Maybe you're right baby.. just maybe, you are.

Which makes her such a sad person then. And now she's "running away", not just that, she's also giving out many reasons to show and tell, covering up how sad her life has been these past few weeks by masking up telling the whole world how "happy" she is running away. While perhaps reasoning and rationalizing her reasons too much it's beginning to sound like a cop-out.

But I still do care to some extent and that's why I did my part.. now let's see how much she does.

Hence, I wish her well, and for her to someday open her heart, eyes and perhaps brains as well to not only be honest to herself with her words, but also with her actions.

honestly.. how much dense can you get? sigh.. and we wonder how such a beautiful girl not able to hold a relationship? it's not only about the looks, it's also about the attitude and THAT has to be acknowledged! geez..

Like someone once said, too nice it makes her look so fake.

Changing Directions

Adik called tonite. After a rather long time (with him busy preparing for SPM and boarding school), we managed to talk. It was some talk.

It's a thought that he seemed to be turning to me seeking advises and opinions with regards to studies and future decision-making. He looks up to him, that I know for sure. To him, he is an intellectual, very intelligent and successful person and he wants to be like him. I know he has a lot of respect for him. Personally, I can understand the way he feels of him (well, because I think he is too). However, I wonder if he thinks the same way of me? And I wonder why.

Adik aspires to be a doctor since he begun to talk. Honestly, I can even see him as one and nothing else. And he follows the right path. He even got into a science school. Now, a little over 6 months before SPM, he change his mind. He got frustrated with mama one day not long ago when she was on his back about not studying enough. He left dinner early and went to his room, as I followed 10 steps behind him. That was the first time I heard him saying, "Kalau tak jadi doctor, tak boleh ke, kak?" I struggle hard not to sound like a counsellor but more of a sister/friend. Being a 'high explorer' to myself (Noela would've been so proud) is not enough and that nagging curiousity of the 'spin' got me thinking, where did it all went wrong?

So tonight he called, spilling out his thoughts and ideas. Trying to rationalize his actions and decisions. Somewhere between the lines, I reflected on the steps I took. We both actually had aspired to be doctors and he knows it. Only I changed my direction (and got lost many times) way much earlier than him. I suppose when I changed my 'gear' and went into Psychology; at his tender age, he would have seen me as a "quit-er" and thought that I'll fail in my journey. Because I did not follow the 'rules' of wanting something and sticking to it. The 'rules' that perhaps we both invented or was buried into us from our parents, without us realizing it - a very, very long time ago.

Perhaps the fact that I have reached this far, had me redeem myself from being a "quit-er". Who ever said it is wrong to make mistakes? To steer away from our 'focus' may mean we can never get it back? Perhaps we need to steer once in a while. Asking what "we" want rather than "why" we want it. As much as parents not living for their children, children don't live for their parents either. Yes, it would be the noble thing to do. Living for one another. Didn't someone wise said, human beings are selfish? We do try hard not to be.

I believe there are no self-less good deed.
Phoebe was right all along.

As for Adik, you can be what you want/choose to be. Just make that decision yours and yours alone. Make it so if it doesn't work out, it was your decision and you'll find you've no regrets.

We live as we create them to be.

Aha!

Yesterday I'm done with my patient, not to say he/she's completely "cured" (you don't get "cured" immediately unless you want so), but if in accordance to the Karkoff's model, we've gone through exploration and understanding mode and that's just where all the hard work ends, for me that is. For him/her, it's the action phase that'll hurt. Patient may relapse but that's something that we'll worry later on. As for tonight we're going out to celebrate! Well, actually me and him, we've already done some celebration last night, just the both of us. But it's Friday night tonight and we've made reservations.

For those who knew me considerably, they may (or not) know that I don't get bothered by things/people easily. You do your things, I do mine. You don't touch me, and I don't touch you. If I don't (or choose not to) join you, then I don't bother. Tempt me as you wish, if I get tempted, I'll go, if not, I won't. I find a lot of things a waste of time. My time, that is.

I suppose with my level of work/profession, it is easy to find that doing/worrying certain things is a waste of time.

Sitting on a session with a client of my colleague got me back to thinking, other people has other problems too. Every problem to a certain degree, holds to having the same concept of ideas/issues. The one that varies them are the intensity of humans accepting, handling and acknowledging them.

I value life. When there's life, there's hope. They say stop and smell the roses, I believe it is necessary. I believe to tasting every bit of everything. You'll never know what you like or don't like. I believe I've lived my life (so far) to the fullest. I believe I've had everything. I am thankful from the bad to the worst experiences I gained, the bitter I tasted and the irony of everything else. To me, I have had fame. I've been people's inspiration, I've been their dream. I've been all that and more. From my life experiences, I've touched the sky and I've been in the sky for long. I've gone up and I've gone down. I've seen people die, I've held their hands. I've crushed hopes and hearts. I've let many down. I've been to many places and stepped on many countries. I've made marks on many land.

From my life, I have been at the top for so long, I need to step down. Thank you baby for who you are, places you've been, ideas you've generate, thoughts you've shared. You've certainly made a better person of me.

In your own story.

All in One

So it's been a while. Nice to see you here.

As obvious, I was going full-on with things around me that I've not update my blog for a while. Let's see.. since last was the melon pan incident, man I can't even recall when that was and what had happened to the melon pan. Aida was around that night with her new hair-do. And that was early in the month!

Haywire.
I love chinese food. My mother, a Malay from Kelantan and my father, a Malay from Pahang but looks very chinese. In fact, most of his 13 siblings look chinese. If I remember correctly, arwah Tok (my father's stepmother) has a very kind, gentle chinese look. I don't know my real grandmother from Papa's side. She passed away when they were all young. Arwah Tokki (Papa's father) took care of all his 13 children til they are all big and independent before re-marrying. Very admirable.

I'm not sure where my preference to chinese food comes from. My taste bud must've gone mad somewhere through life experiences. Maybe I'm adopted? Nah, thought and researched on that one in primary school years. I am not adopted. Then I remember my mother's mom. Never met her. But according to Mama, she loves chinese food. She loves cooking too.

I have spoken too early.
Adil, Haz, him and I did catering service for JPA students on Monday night. It was tiring and I swore not to do this again while we were waiting for our transport. An hour later I changed my mind. Once seeing how the food goes and feedback given, the satisfaction is incredible. It's almost the same feeling felt after organizing Makcha's wedding reception. I couldn't care how much profit I get at this point of time. It was satisfying.

We went buying things on Friday night and preparing from then on. I'd have to say, if catering is fully my responsibility and in my hands from the beginning, I would have been more dedicated to it. Oh no, don't get me wrong. Everything is a success. Perhaps I was relying and expecting a bit more to it. He puts it well, if I were to do this again, I'll give this experience one more look and prepare myself further. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Mikey's dinner.
Sunday morning we woke up and he had this sudden craving for sweet indulgence. So we headed for Pancake House. Russion Blitz, I shall never look at pancakes the same way again. In the midst of enjoying our brunch, the phone went off singing an SMS notification. So I read, it said, "Hey Miza, how you going? Any chance you're in Adelaide? Doing anything this evening?" Mind you, I haven't seen Mike since last year after our gathering/clubbing night out before me leaving to Swiss and have certainly deleted his number from my cell (sorry mikey..) hence for the next few minutes I riddled with him who would've SMS with that note.

We gave the Botanics a visit and he made me promise to have brunch in the botanics one day and oh yes, a picnic there as well. We will, baby.. someday we will. After that long walk, we headed to Lemongrass for dinner with Mikey and the gang then back home to prepare our catering food.

Couns Session Block 2
I've certainly have a lighter case patient this time. Now hang on, I don't mean to say weight issue is light but my patient certainly is not in crisis/trauma/suicidal. Hence, the case is not as intense and research can be put to a minimal (since I've handled one before). Nevertheless, each case is not the same.

Noela once again blew my mind with her skills and knowledge. If I spend another 3 hours with her, I swore I would have no skeletons in my closet anymore. I will make sure to remember her for as long I live.

Noela Maletz is a counsellor in private practice. She sees mainly adult clients, often works with couples and occasionally works with adolescents and parents. Noela works with a client
centered approach using the 3 phase model and has completed training in
Psychosynthesis. Noela has been counselling for 17 years and has been
teaching in the couselling post graduate program at the university for 4
years.

Noela has been a registered secondary teacher for over 30 years
(teaching English, Painting, Creative Writing) and has worked in a broad
range of setting, teaching at secondary, adult and tertiary levels. She currrently teaches Critical Thinking and Communication in the School of Electrical Engineering at Adelaide University, at
undergraduate and post graduate levels.

She surely is a true inspiration as my supervisor. Not to forget Thomas (or shall I say Dr. Thomas now) last year when I was still struggling analytically and getting words out. One day when I become a psychiatrist/psychologist/counsellor (insyallah), I will count on these people to reflect on my days of learning. They are in my book in this journey to becoming "somebody".

Speaking of reflection, a good friend whom has successfully completed medical school very recently wrote about people and intelligence. We are in the bubble of belief that med students are the top most brilliant intelligent students in the world but in fact they are not. To his belief, that is. Those top achievers in medicine do well not because they have the intellingence of rocket scientists, but because they are hardworking and read a lot. Medicine does not require great intelligence in comparison to engineering, mathematicians and physicians.

I believe so too.

People
Once again recently I've come across people with lots of drama in their life. I find that a lot in Malays especially, and in general. I wonder if this is a creation to spice up their lives or a cover up to heighten their self-esteem (to feel superior). I wonder if people really reflect on themselves and look at what they have achieved instead of what they don't have. I wonder what they are actually thinking. Perhaps they just have too much time in their hands that they're not sure how to make full use of them. Well, personally, I've too much on my plate with my patients. Maybe next time.

I ran away from it all. And here I'm not going to go back to those people again.

Gardening/Baking/Cooking
This is my therapeutic stress-relief. Our 5kg bread flour has probably around 2 cups left and we're totally out of yeast. Last night as requested, was Scottish Butteries. I love it. He doesn't. She does. I don't know about the other.

There's one flower on my chilli plant. New foliage are growing on the tomato plant and basil looks great. Garden is fine.

Future Plans
Saving up for a trip.
Study better.
Spend more valuable time with him.
Call home.

2 more weeks before Block 2 is due, full-on 8-5pm practicals a week later, weekend pracs the following week, and research papers both due end of the month. Hell, June's not the time I'm looking forward to.

4 months and going..

Yep. 4 months.

Went to another one of his favourite places.

Melon Pan frustration

The bread is in the oven now actually. Somehow everything is going against me (baking-wise). Well let me say that the bread dough would have been my fault. The original recipe calls for 180 bread flour and 20 cake flour. Since I've no cake flour, I made it them all with bread flour. Recipe also calls for mixing the yolks together with the yeast mixture and let it rest til bubbly but somehow it just doesn't seem to want to bubble!! It's SO bloody annoying. I'm not sure where I went wrong but the dough just doesn't rise. No matter how long I proof it, it just stayed there. Idiot. Then making the cookie dough, I've mistakenly put in a whole egg instead of 30g of it. This one I really can't blame anyone but myself. Slowly the confidence is decreasing and almost to the giving-up mode. Sigh.

Bought a thyme plant today. Learnt my lesson. Buy the one that actually has grown a bit so I can access to it easily. Better get back to my melon pan.

Mowkie

I bought bread improver few weeks ago and have yet to try it so after gathering up some confidence, I made Herb and Cheese filled buns. I was freaking out a while since the first time proving it, it didn't seem to rise but after the second time, it rose beautifully and baked nicely in the oven. I've only made half of the recipe just to see how it goes with the bread improver, have yet to try it. Waiting for him to return. So if this turns out fine, I'll try my hands on making buns this time.

It rains and pours today. Loving it.

Yesterday was a disaster for Mowkie. She had a needle stuck through her throat. Sighh.. according to mom, bibik was sewing on the floor and perhaps had left them there. While my darling cat went over and helped herself playing with a thread attached to its needle. So yesterday morning abg wants to give her food only to find her salivating so much. Immediately she was rushed to the docs. So she went under surgery because the doc has to cut the needle into half. She was released last night and was not happy at all.

Anyone wants a mischievious, spoilt rotten, highly maintenance, fluffly, fat, arrogant and absolutely adorable cat, you are welcome to notify me at any time.

Rain rain come again..

Yesterday we stayed home all day. It was Anzac Day and I made such scrumptious dessert. Cinnamon Rolls! Lucky Aida came over asking to proof-read her lab report and she came in just in time for the rolls to be consumed. Lucky lucky girl.

And finally today it rained non-stop and I'm absolutely loving it. The first rain in April I reckon. Went to my first session tonight and went allright. Haven't started with anything yet, just gathering around and a little bit of chat here and there.

We reached home almost to 10pm tonight and as he had downloaded the movie 300, we gathered around in Adil's room and watched it til close to 1am. Haz n Adil went out for a pizza while I continued piecing up my puzzle. It's a rather gloomy day but somehow I'm enjoying it best. Absolutely love the rain.

Bread

Corn bread turned out fine. Will add in corn kernels and up the sugar a wee bit more next time. So today's the last day of mid break. The following half semester will be requiring more concentration and attention that the previous, am sure.

Last night was Garlic, Herb and Feta pull-apart. Been wondering how this one turns out and taste like so I obediently followed the recipe and it was an absolute delish.

Spent close to 3 hours of marketing yesterday. We looked for bread flour or wheat gluten to make a simple basic bread but with no luck. Well it is available but it's 5kg! Thinking about it overnight would be a wise decision. But purchasing assorted cheeses and other out-of-the-usual items are fun (and cheaper, if you know what to look for) to do in the market rather than the old usual supermarket.

So today it's apple crumble to finish off Haz's apples. Will definitely get a parsley plant soon. Maybe Tuesday hmm.. =)

3 months..

..and still going.

I may give a try to making corn bread today. Unfortunately, there's no sour cream in the fridge so might go out with him since he's gotta go to the bank to pick up his card. OR.. try bribing Haz with my pizza to get a bit of her cream. Though hers is lite (yup.. i like 'em full fat.. all fat dairy products.. yum!) so think I better get my lazy bum out and buy some.

Time to water my plants! Oh and speaking of which, my tomato plant have beared me 16 cherry tomatoes and I'm very very pleased. I think it's going to stop growing fruits though. And my chilli plant has 10 green bell peppers on them. I've picked out one large chilli and have yet to try it. Basil plant, don't say. It's been countless! Haz and I have been picking on its leaves almost weekly now. Very pleased.

Till then!

Baking Frenzy!

I am going crazy over baking and cooking these past few days. Posted only some recipes I tried on my fotopages blog and recently we bought a digital kitchen scale (it was on sale.. really!!) ! Well I am on my hols but he's not so there's no point of going anywhere, so I stayed home most days and cooked or baked, trying my hands at almost anything in the mags! Now he has no reason to complain when I buy those monthly recipe books and piling them up under the bed.

I just made pizza tonight. From dough, to sauce to toppings all homemade. And tonight, I find myself missing Makcha. She enjoys baking. I remember those old days when I was a kid, she used to bake breads and buns. The whole house will be filled with those sweet and/or savoury bun fillings. Sometimes she'd make "pau". And fill them up with "kaya" or curry-puff fillings. I remember sitting on the couch in our living room legs crossed and stuffing myself with her curry-puff filled buns, watching some British cartoons on weekends. Never once I offer to help. Nor did I show any interest to how she makes them. Working in the kitchen to me those days was a bore. Thanks to the first chore handed to me; washing dishes and peeling onions. I hate getting myself or my hands wet and working with dirty dishes and peeling onions is nothing to look forward to. Up to this date, I still hate doing dishes. I loathe it. Yet, today, the smell of Makcha's sweet soft buns kept nagging my mind. It was more than a decade ago.

Kung Pao chicken was introduced to me by him. He had them when he was in Beijing and since I've never had them before and the ingredients and method seems easy to make, we decide to try our hands on it. It turned out well according to him.

I've only heard of Focaccia Bread few years back when dining in Dave's Deli and their tuna melt sandwich on focaccia bread tastes delightful. Since then, I always look forward to focaccia sandwiches but few weeks ago I found the recipe in one of my mags. So last weekend when everyone's in their room and he's occupied with his laptop, I snuck out of the room and started mixing things and kneading. It took a couple hours to proof it and wait for it to rise but the end result was absolutely delish. Especially using fresh home grown rosemary and thyme. Next morning I cut it up and all of us had breakfast with it.

I also found some recipes baking/grilling chicken. Tried my hands at making salad dressing and got a taste of haloumi cheese just kept my energy for trying out recipes, cooking and baking going. He complains everyday that I cook too much or I should take time out from cooking. You see, I think I'm just missing Makcha. If she sees what bakes I've tried on, I doubt she has the energy to bake anymore but I miss her. She had unconsciously injected a small passion/interest in me that even I didn't know. This is what's happening. And I'm sure if she sees what I'm doing and knows why, somewhere in her would be proud of me knowing how much influence she had put in my up-bringing.

So to her, I thank you and love you, Makcha. Despite the hardship we go through bringing me up, I would have never be the person I am today without you. Thank you.

West Lakes Shopping centre

We have planned to go West Lakes shopping centre few days ago. It was not til today we managed to get ourselves there.

Once we reached the mall, I realized we've been there before. Me and my family back in 2005. But anyway, we had lunch/dinner and went shopping! I bought a coat and we bought some kitchen baking ware for future baking ideas =) Absolutely LOVE the idea.

We hung out at Jamaica Blue where he felt generous to get drinks for us all, and talked about various things. Definitely, his idea of having fun. We headed home when the mall is close to closing time.

It's Papa and Mama's 27th anniversary today. While waiting for the bus, papa called. We talked for a bit. They sound allright.

Dessert anyone?

When we woke up and went upstairs today, no one was up yet. So we grabbed the opportunity to cook! I made a vanilla custard and strawberry scroll while he had his lunch from last night's dinner leftovers. He decided not to go work today (due to late night movie marathon) so I called the clinic up to make an appointment this afternoon. I accidently over-nap and only managed to get to the clinic 10mins past my appointment time. Lucky there were not many people waiting. So the doc said to make an appointment for a blood test and come again a week later.

We stopped by uni to return his library book and head home. Tonight's dinner was grilled lamb chop with mushroom sauce, creamy soft polenta, rocket and steamed broccoli with grilled tomatoes. Yum. Somehow I felt sick in the middle of the night and threw most of dinner up. Maybe it's the wind. Maybe it's the temperature outside.

Blue Gum Honey + Costa Rican coffee

Yummy, I must admit. The coffee smooth and strong, honey sweet and thick. We had these while watching a movie marathon. "Death Note" and "Ichi the Killer". Japanese movie but I ended up dozing off halfway the second movie. So did Adil. In the end it was him and Haz whom sat up through the entire marathon. It was not till about 4.30am that we managed to get some sleep.

Mental note: no more coffee and honey after 8pm.

Chicken soup + Strawberry pudding

It's his last day of holiday for him. There were no major groceries that are open so we checked-into a Hong Kong and Korean shop. We bought some japanese food and korean flour, remembering the days living with Jules, brought me back to the memory when she made us korean pancake using kimchi, chicken and some other ingredients. Someday I'll try to make it just like you did, Jules.

He made chicken soup today and I attempt on a French strawberry pudding. It was crisp on top, soft in the centre and sweet at the bottom. Except I should have used castor sugar than brown to make it look better.

Adil and Haz had some guests around tonight. Him and I ended up in our room playing guitar and talked a lot. Late that night after the guests have left, Adil and Haz knocked on our door and I went to their room to hangout and chat for a bit. It turned out to be til morning. It was good talk. Refreshing.

Strawberry Picking - Hanhdorf

Adil, me and him went to the market to do our usual weekly marketing in the afternoon. Then we went home and drag Haz from her bed so after lunch we rushed to the bus stop to catch the bus to Hahndorf to do some strawberry picking! We have been planning this for few days and the strawberries were plump, glossy and so juicy! There were millions of ripe strawberries!

I've been busy updating my fotopages lately and easter holiday is here! We've been thinking over and over of what to do on this 2-weeks holiday. After strawberry picking we walked down to Hahndorf city to look around. It was not til dark that we managed to catch the bus home. Him and I stopped in Rundle Mall for some late snack and walk around before heading home. It was a long and nice outing.

5th Anniversary

We spent the day at his all-time-most-favourite place. The beach.

We walked along the beachside. Talked about 'the' future, our future, the past and the present. We watched the sunset and had mexican food at Gringos.

Adil and Haz tagged along, had coffee with us then joined us at Bracegirdle's for its famous chocolates. Then they left for home after lunch while we walked and waited for sunset.

It was all worthwhile.

Our Treasure

Our new baby's here!

A Spanish Guitarras Almansa classical guitar.

Alas the long awaited instrument has made its way into our arms.

Haz's BBQ bday party tonight.

We had cupcakes (made by Haz), pasta, barbeque chicken and sausages. I helped by making the blackforest cheesecake, mashed potatoes and gravy. Then we all went upstairs where she opened her presents.

It was lovely.

Noela

Everyone Renae and I came across with warned about the live session with Noela. We were warned to be prepared of nasty remarks as she can be 'bitchy' (personally never worked with a nasty supervisor, especially one under my line of study). After tonight's session, I felt allright. She wasn't that bad (or perhaps I had expected worst). Honestly, I've liked her since we first met and after the session, I still like her the same. She was direct, honest, blunt and made one of our collegue cry but nevertheless at some stage of our development, this is just what we need. At least that's what I think. We've been going around too much by the book with numerous models and countless approaches, trying to fit in those into our sessions that we sometimes forget about connecting the head to the heart. When that's what we're there for. And that's what this is all about, really.

Being vulnerable to our patients and to ourselves.
Like she once said, "it's a miracle and grace what patients bring behind your door, carrying their story, because you'll never know what or how it'll affect you".

Out of the box

Finally today we went Marion. He didn't feel like going to work today so I woke up early, made breakfast then off we go! There was an accident in front of the Village. Taxi and a car. Pretty smashed up, I'd say. Couldn't see the taxi driver anywhere. Maybe the ambulance took him already. There were polices and fire brigade.

On our way there we passed the breath-taking beach side and those ever so pretty houses along the way. Nope, I don't mind at all living here. Nice.

We each bought a top and bottom, then walked around looking for Haz's bday present. There were 2 halal outlets with their certificate and all so we decided to try both.

But I'm still not finished shopping!

*hugs*

I've picked 6 tomatoes and there's 8 left waiting to ripen.

Good day yesterday. Energized.
Did a task that had been delayed for a long while. Went looking for some things of mine but didn't buy any. Then went around to look for his .. I would not want to jinx it by writing it down here. Just in case we wouldn't be able to get it in the end. It's filling me with excitement to know we're finally getting one.

We tried this Korean restaurant over the weekend. It was allright. I thought it would not have been worth it but Haz pointed out that seafood aren't cheap so if we'd eaten a fair amount, it would have been worth a lot. Say, my tummy was stuffed that nite. I guess it was allright. Something different from the usual italian, western, middle eastern and malay food.

- Been getting lots hugs. Lots. Thank God each day for letting me have this. Especially at times like these. And thank you B. -

Teaching Love

..love doesn't measure intelligence to get hurt by it..

they called. she sms. both sounding or maybe trying to sound happy. it's all an act, isn't it. or perhaps a way telling me not to worry.

and so i play along as i always do. wanting to see where this all ends to.
as it always does, it just proves that the world is a performing stage. we all wear masks and play our role while changing our masks to suit varying situations. and we are acting in our role with our mask to an audience that would approve and follows our norm.

because the truth hurts, eh?
and we are all actors. some better than others. consciously or unconsciously.

it does not heal inside. certainly, not.
let's seek what does. let's run away again.

Rain?

It rains today.
Been a while since the last. A pretty long while.
And its a good rain. Washes off the dusts away.

Brie quiche

Am feeling much much better today. Made 2 meals. Tuna with brie quiche and a creamy tuna pasta. The quiche can and will be packed for his lunch tomorrow whereas the pasta shall be eaten for dinner tonight and leftovers for my lunch tomorrow.

We went for a walk tonight as I was feeling like it and he has to get a good bulb for the bathroom. Coles was still open and I had cravings for bread. Got myself a bagel pack and some cream cheese. Yummy! The night's still early so we went to Gouger st again and got ourselves Cibo coffees. While walking around, the place wasn't so crowded and wild as it was on weekends so we browsed through some of the restaurants there and he got the idea of a vietnamese or an argentinan restaurant for our anniv celebration. Our 5 yr anniv.

Heck, 5 yrs already??

2 months..

Our second E anniv I tried my hands on apple tarts.

Better

Things have turned out okay. At least that's what people at home are saying.

Honestly, I don't believe so.

i am angry
just purely angry at her
for letting this happen

she still doesn't want to seek help
she doesn't care so i don't care
i've not cared for a long time now

so why does it hurt so much..

Clearing mind

Went to the market as usual. He took me out last night. We went to meet Uncle Syed (Aunty Sharifah's hubby, whom is here for the police and fire games) to get my things given by Mama and also to have a bit of chat. Given the situation and position how things are right now, I'm not sure I'm in the position for a bit of a chat. But with him, I went anyway.

Then he decided to make a turn to Gouger st., so we walked around the crowded street full with people of all ages either out clubbing, hang out or simply hanging out sociallizing. We ended at Cibo for coffee and stopped for a lamb yiros. Mama called once for an update. Met Joana and Jade along the way, they're on their way to Joana's boyfriend bday bash.

Returning home, we hung out downstairs so Adil n Haz came down and joined us.

Honestly, I would not know how I'd go through this without him.

So today we went market as usual and prepare ourselves with "linner" (lunch and dinner, as he calls it). Later tonight I called Kak long and Makcha for support. They were lovely.

Expected

It has happen. And perhaps will be happening as feared.

Plants updates

So basically I woke up this morning as usual, freshen up and went upstairs to check on my plants. Oh btw, I've decided to take absolute responsibility on Haz's plants as well (Greek oregano, Pink rosemary, coriander and thyme). After seeing her coriander turned limp and dry the other day, I told her and Adil that I can take care of them. It's just a pity to see such good herbs lay dry and unhealthy next to my swaying-leaves chilli plant and colourful tomatoes and shiny basil. Ok I am boasting but I don't care because they are in good condition! Plus, they are my first gardening plant (besides the one football-sized wild watermelon that grew in my front yard when I was 10 and after picking it, the gardener accidently mowed everything off) so I've every right to be excited over my chillies, tomatoes and basil.

Ok back to my story. I think her oregano would be at least 55% dead I'd say. I watered them hoping they will start blooming again but nothing happened. So this morning I've decided to throw away the dried leaves at the bottom of the plant (I know you must be thinking, hell, you can still use the dried herbs but I wasn't looking to using them, I want to grow them and besides, we've got heaps of dried oregano from the shops still in our pantry) and start fresh. I'm to water the coriander daily, there are some leaves turned dry and fall off due to the limp the other day but that's okay because most of them are saved and are growing beautifully.

So one of my 11 tomatoes now has turned yellow-ish red!! But the bad news is that one of the bloomed flowers on the chilli plant has died and fell off this morning. There were 3 flowers blooming the other day and all three has died and supposedly bear chillies but one of them fell off this morning. That's just sad.

I'm going to checkout what tips and trade I can get on the plants and update again soon!

Long Weekend

Haven't been blogging for a bit.

Finally get to go to the pancake house! Last Friday night we decided to give the little pancake house a visit. It is one of the very very VERY few 24 hours hang-out place here but he didn't seem to like it. Not the food, but the atmosphere. And to think of him as an anti-social, I got to take back that title from him. So we went for a walk around the city and got ourselves into the Fringe area. That place was roaring with people, booz and food. We've decided where to celebrate our annivesary.

It was a public holiday on Monday and because everywhere will be closed then, we went out Sunday to get his head shaver and again ended ourselves in Woolies. They were having sale like mad.

Made apple crumble over the long weekend. It was absolutely scrumptious!
p/s: hope Meen gets stronger and better everyday.

I've decided to water my plants daily now. It's getting hotter and hotter.

Returned Deed

More like 'rejected', I'd say.

Made another attempt at donating blood again. Haemoglobin count was still too low. And all I get; a bruised arm and a sore fingertip. Very very disappointing. Maybe I'll give the GP a visit once the results comes through. But, the good side of it, I got 2 Cascade Ultra-C Blackcurrant juice, crackers and cheese with a warm muffin. And I got him to donate as well which he'd manage to complete the session in 10 mins and successfully made himself dizzy. The freaky thing today was when the nurse poked my arm and nothing came through! As usual, all my veins just hid themselves but we managed to find a very thin one which she poked and had to adjust the needle back and forth before my blood gushes not only through the tube but everywhere on the table. Yep, she certainly did made a mess.

Finally I've found the secret to yummy-licious black pepper roast chicken! I tried this creamy sauce with vegetables found in one of the Recipe mag I've been buying religiously and it turned out allright but a bit bland. Will try again some other time. And I realized that I hate people cooking in the kitchen when I'm cooking. Absolutely hate it. I'd rather stop cooking and let the person finish his/her cooking before continuing with mine. Don't get my wrong, I do like people socializing and communicating or helping in the kitchen but not when they're cooking. Especially when we're both cooking different meals. So "cooking together" is not my friendly group activity. But let's put washing dishes as an exception =)

Ready, Steady, Cook today taught me that kumara is not a fruit. It's sweet potato! Geez Miza, you're such a disappointment.

A chat with Kak Ida brought me back to those years where I've no idea how to boil water! Finally I got to inform her of our 'status' and she sighed wondering if I am already capable of making coffee! Kak Ida, chatting with you never fails to make me laugh. Her husband named their second baby as well as the first.

Oh and update on my plants. Basil are producing more and more leaves happily since last I picked them. There are 10 cherry tomatoes now and one chilli on it's way! I know I ought to take pictures of 'em.

Weekend

Made Shepherds Pie. It needs improvement definitely. I'll learn how to make the gravy.

Our groceries reached below expectancy so that works fine. The chilli plant has grown more buds and the first flower has died so it'll produce chillies, i hope. Basil leaves are growing marvellously and I'm bearing 8 fruits (with one shyly showing on its way) of cherry tomatoes.

Adrian and Sharm's back in uni today. Delighted to see them again.
Sessions have started for CPIA and the first one was this morning. Heck, I didn't get my recording charged so we managed to only get a half hour session. Getting my groove on with patients/clients is steadily coming back to me. Didn't even realize it was slowly slipping away. So much for observations and years of studying books of techniques. Suppose it is more of a skill. Like riding a bicycle again. RC today made me realize how much I enjoyed doing Grief last sem. Oh no.. I think it was CPIA night. It made me start writing again. Not that I wasn't, but more in depth this time.

We bought a lounge bean bag yesterday.

Just a second..

Postmodernism

There's no meaning in the world. Humans put meanings/patterns to the world.
The world is unknowable. There's no reality or truth to find and because we can't authenticate it, we can't find the truth. If the world has no meaning, then your intrepretation is as valid as my interpretation. If the world has no meaning, then your truth is as valid as my truth.. so, there's no truth/reality for us to find.

Spaces

It's a miracle who walks into the room with what they have.
It's a grace, to me.
because perhaps it could be.. something for me to work on, my life.

*clients are perhaps working a lot in the spaces. A lot happens in those spaces. They work in those batches of space*

Fruits of my labour..

Last Friday Haz rented a car to move out her things from her old hse to the new one. We hitched a ride to .. and bought some kitchen wares, rug, and some other bedroom decorative items while they all did the same. On our way back, Haz suggested stopping by Bunnings and get some kitchen herbs to grow ourselves. She and Adil bought a variety range of herbs while we bought chilli, basil and cherry tomatoes (my essentials). The first flower on my chilli plant has emerged and bloomed. Today there were more small little pods coming out from it. Soon I am hoping to start seeing the fruit! But my tomatoes (which have started popping approximately 4-5 of them when we bought it) doesn't seem to be growing much. It's still green! He said it's too early to say anything about them. Oh well..!

The good news is.. we had pasta for dinner tonight with a sauce I got from Recipe and used basil from our own kitchen garden. It was absolutely delicious! The leaves were so fresh it left its fragrant on my fingers for hours.

Class tonight.

Updates..

Adil and Haz arrived last Thursday morning. I made lasagne as promised and forgot to ask Adil if he kept his.

Classes starts today. Geez, this one's heavy. Well.. okay.. a bit exaggerating but the last time I came in contact with journal research readings was.. uhm.. perhaps 6 mths ago? After crisis, holidays, travels, e-day.. a HELL lot seemed to have happened since last I touched a research journal! It's all coming back to me and how do I feel about it all..? Hum.. a little excited, a bit nervous, a little pre-stress. But hey, I gotta admit.. it was great to see Renae again, she was late as usual and Luke's doing the same course and Joana's here too. We're looking for Ryan and Mikey and I was itching to ask Raelin if they're still together till Renae cracked up with something hilarious. My memory's jogging now.

Got my diary and ID updated. They have tattoo printing outdoors again. I'll probably get one on my way out. I was looking at my research journal just now and thinking that maybe I could critique and discuss this one with him later. It could be our "bedtime discussion" slash argument. ;) Will tell you how it goes soon.

It has been..

..the first one month =)

Food Glorious Fooood~!

It's that time of the year again.. so he says. Coy San Tow.. Choy San Tow..
I hope it's not too late to wish all chinese around the globe Happy Chinese New Year for the year of the squiggly pig! May many many happiness returns for everyone.

As promised, there were hot steaming red bean pau yesterday (absolutely delicious!) and funny looking steamed dumplings. They didn't turn out as I expected, sadly. However, we had those with leftover quiche. A good combo of the western and eastern, I must say.

They're having an event at uni today. There's a band playing outside and it's supposed to be something called 'O'Day Party today. Prolly for the orientation of new students.

V-day turned out fine for us. We went Cafe Primo for a late lunch and walked around to find a movie that would fit our limited time before heading home but with no luck. So that left us with telly movies for the night! As usual, a good fight for the remote before we settle down =)

Note to self: get a universal remote!! Perhaps then we can fight with switching channels rather than a physical one.

On Demand

List of Wants
1. A griller
2. A waffle-maker
3. Bagel cutter
4. Pyrex glass-clear baking dish
5. A guitar
6. A car!
7. Replacement chord for my rice cooker
8. A new summer dress
9. Earrings
10. A pet cat/kitten
11. New jeans
12. Winter to come soon
13. New pair of shoes
14. Haircut
15. A Lobster
16. Facial treatment
17. Sunshade
18. Chocolate mud cake
19. Photo album
20. Jamie Oliver cookbook
21. Table magazine
22. A maid to do cleaning and dish-washing

List of Needs
1. -nil-

*sighh..*

Biscuits and Coffee

Yep. That's what making me awake and alert these days.

Something new at work.
Did a session and a talk. Honestly, they should pay me extra for doing this.
Lunch was not organized properly. June knows the person in charge and I've suggested we change the arrangements. Oh well, June's also new so yea.. i duno..

V-day's tomorrow!
Kerry-Anne told me yesterday that Virgo-ans would love a massage or a facial on v-day to start with, and then moving on to dinner at a good restaurant, provided that it has exceptionally good food. Yum! Hear that baby.. we appreciate good food ;)

One hour left and I'm off to sucky Knoodle.

At work.

So it's back to work again. For starters, I burnt my thumb from trying to open the urn at work this morning to make coffee. What a day.

Side off track a little bit.
We went to the market 2 days ago and loaded ourselves with groceries. Meat, veges, junk food, the lot. We also bought a bamboo steamer! (well, i actually had to beg and rationalize it with him for a while there.. but that's besides the point anyway..) We bought red bean 'pau' and I bought wanton skin. For celebrating the 'choy san tow' season as he calls it, I'm planning to make steamed dumplings.. yummy!

We fought for the remote a couple of times. He usually backs off. Completely shows how determined (and dominant) I can be sometimes. Sigh. Not a good one.

Great News!

She's moved out!

Back! Sigh..

A lot has happened.. and are still happening.

Our flight journey was good. As usual, being in ... they serve extra food and let us sleep comfortably. His mom and brother came to send him off together with our friend. Whereas on my side are the usual, Ma, Mak, Makcha, Kak Long, Kak Fatan and my immediate family, Mama, Papa and Abg but excluding Adik (at school). Papa were to catch another flight to Kuantan the same night but at a later time. We flew on a week-night so there were no kids (my nephews and nieces) playing around and throwing tantrums. Instead, phone calls were non-stop. Mai and her mom came earlier to pass me her letter to be posted to uni. Makcha bought a bear and famous amos cookies. And as usual, before we get checked-in, papa pulled me aside and filled me in with very few but powerful words. As he predicted, I couldn't stop the tears. My heart just went on and on, baby..

And as I took his hand and left, the whole experience was something I've not expected nor imagined. I know I left Ma with a note of "help", as I'd call it. Makcha and Mak were there to hear it too. So all I can do right now is hope. And like he once said, the only thing that kills me.

So it's been almost 2 weeks since we departed Msia. We bought few things to help him settle in.. plus some things to help ME settle down. But all in all, everything's good. We went to Aunty Bedah's place the other day to introduce him to her. She cooked us dinner and we brought pictures from e-day and we hung out til late. Such a dear old lady. Lina and Majid are coming back from Saudi for good! That's incredibly good news for her and she has plan to go "jalan-jalan" with them. They'll be here around end of next month, I suppose.

An update on his research work.
His supervisor is on a week leave from the day he registers. dang.
Went to his department yesterday to meet his co-supervisor. For a couple of days he has been making fun of the people in there. He had went to his department once before when I had my briefing work. According to him, they talk incredibly slow and swarm around you like you're a species to be analyse and poked at. And as my first time in his department, I found out yesterday.. that he was right! Sigh. Welcome to the complexity research world of sciences. (i glanced through prof. bates's white board while he was dicussing matters. the things he wrote up there, yikes..!) Oh no, b.. we are SO going to go out every weekend and s.o.c.i.a.l.i.z.e =) i can make sure of that one.

We bought a TV today. After much contemplation and discussion and looking around.

I'll be starting work tomorrow.
And v-day is coming soon..

Words ringing in my head

So she took my hand before leaving the ceremony as I extended mine modestly. She felt the ring on my finger and took a long pause just looking at it. And so she fnally said..

"Miza.. ini tanda kasih dia. Kasih yang pertama dari mertua kamu. Jagalah semua sebaik-baiknya."

And everytime I looked at it, these words never fail to remind me what all these means. Thank you Mak Benta. For making me feel loved. You're always rich with hidden messages in your words.

mengapa perlu ada rasa sangsi..

*i thought we're open minded but they seem to be more than us*

Fallen pieces

First outing since E-day. Got my tix upgraded (yippee!) and good seats. Transferred money for Jan rent and went around looking for ... bank to cash in his money. Then went back to his office, a farewell gathering from his friends while I drove home.

I do feel a bit tired from all these preparations, events, settlements. Surprise, surprise but I do feel like starting uni and 'bergelut' with assignments, datelines and presentations right now. Workaholic? I wonder myself too sometimes. Papa's blood runs thicker as I grow older.

As for the rest of my heartfull worries, I've decided to let time and God handle it. It has gone beyond my control. I'm glad she seems more understanding (seems aja). I hope she'll get better.

*hanging on a thread hoping things will fall into place*

5 more days

Yep.

I'm counting the days again. Funny how I miss places back and forth.

I've bought some things in my list. But I still need shoes. Am not shoes freak. I only own .. humm.. let's see .. 3 sneakers.. 2 high heels.. 2 slippers.. 1 boots.. and 1 furry house-slippers. That's not so bad, eh? My all time fav white heels have broken recently when I dropped Kda's sofa on my small toe and had to be rushed to the nearest clinic. That's when Daya wore my heels in exchange to me wearing her wide slippers and she broke it. Kaki dia kembang sgt! Sigh..

Was in mv with mom. We bought new house fax/copier/answering/cordless phone machine. She wants details. I topped up some toilettries for my bathroom and some undies. Humm.. maybe I should get the pair of jeans.. hee..

Lunch with Aunty Poya at Shook and caught up with Sally Gourmet. The Marriot Hotel (Ritz Carlton) gave us (Him and I) strawberries dipped in chocolates in a chest box on our E-day. It was beautiful. They're doing our big day cake. And also the goodies on both our sides. Met Kak Intan in the gourmet. She's pregnant again.

His ticket is ready to be picked up tomorrow. And mine's waiting to be upgraded.

i don't need to be scared off with your stories.. i don't need this right now.. i understand i need to be cautious.. but most of all i need you to be by my side.. she obviously thinks i'm taking something that is hers away from her.. so i need to learn how to win her heart.. let her love flows and falls onto me as how your love flows endlessly to me..

so she adds,
if it were to happen to .. i would've probably done the same thing

*that's the only way she can relate to things when it comes to understanding me*

Addiction

i want to go home.
i mean MY home.

once again, i've fallen into her 'trap'. was i the one whom wanted this?

perhaps i am not made for her to be liked.

sometimes the simplest thing is hardest to understand.

abg pu and i talked for hours the night after the ceremony. we've not had long chats since ages. we came to the conclusion that i have been, i am and i will always be seento her as her 'challenger'. no one can talk to her, none can make her change but only circumstances. major ones. perhaps he's right. and i wonder what the circumstance will be.

i thought i could make you happy. i thought i could make you proud. but my achievements seem to spark anger in you. so i run again. and as the pattern continues, i couldn't find a way to stop.

you're right baby, it is an addiction.

"do you want me to break this off..? tell me what you want. you had wanted me to do this. and so i did. you know you are influential. you can memperkecilkan orang and you can also membesarkan orang. so now tell me what you want so i can feed your ego and satisfy your power. because right now i can see a failure in my life with words you put into my head."

E-day

Today's also the day Meen found her new man. Congratulations! I'm so so happy for you. After years of waiting.. finally! So many talks, so many speculations we made.. and now it ends and becomes a reality. So I pray for your happiness together and may this journey has more ups than downs filled with many many joy and laughters.

*and today.. i start my own journey on a different level and a different path*

and all these left me feeling cheated..

5 days to go..

So this is 2007.
New Year night as usual were painted with mesmerizing fireworks.
I like the number 2 0 0 7.

It's been a while since I wrote. We just got our internet connection fixed (FINALLY!) at home (here in Msia) after nearing a year living without it. No idea how these people had lived.

I've only few days left of being single. Not been thinking about it too much. Was too busy with preparations and by night fall, I'll be too tired to even start thinking. Sorry folks, some preparation pictures will not be uploaded till after the E-day. Since some people I've invited views this blog regularly, I wouldn't wanna spoil the surprise for them. =)

Things back home have not been as hectic I thought. Not till nearing the Day. People at my facial treatment centre had complained my skin looks tired and dull lately. Must be from the long flight journey, anxieties, and endless thoughts. Mowkie's fur looks dry and coarse, Mom had changed her food. My attire has not been fitted.. oh I can't seem to even list here things that's not done, it freaks me out just by thinking about it. Meen and Haz will be coming Thursday night since Haz wouldn't be able to make it on E-day. Big apology to Adil for not attending his bday party last Saturday. Sibuk buat bunga la, dil. Jangan merajuk and not attending my E-day pulak! I'm waiting for my E-cupcakes ni! hehee..

As for my mental and emotional state, with family and him around, it has been a lot calmer. Tomorrow's another busy day.

21 days to go and still counting..

I'm going HOME!!

Just got back from Aunty Bedah's house. Thought of dropping by coz she needs to give meen n mai money to buy her "nyawa". Instead we ended up eating leftovers from yesterday's raya haji open house. Initially Meen brought Mai and I to Domino's to get my ever craved for brownies with chocolate sauce (yum!!). Thanks Meen, you're as good and as sweet.

We then wanted to go to Gloria Jeans and get Meen's "before departure quick fix" Tim Tam ice blended *drool* but made a detour to Aunty Bedah's house instead. Greeted by Qasha and Qrystal, Aunty Bedah her usual chats turned out to be 2 hours long and before we knew it.. it's already 12 am (yikes!!) and we've got a flight to catch tomorrow!

Closing 2006 and Msia get ready for a new year..
Happy New Year 2007 to all!!

Sleepless in Adelaide

Spent the whole night last nite trying to sleep!
Geez.. I love to sleep. I could sleep for hours and hours. Mom said I was born a sleeper. Didn't even move often inside her womb that it worries her sick.

Well maybe I'm excited. Or nervous. Or anxious. Or.. whatever!

So I woke up at 5.40 (can you believe it? I rarely at all wake up for sahur let alone on a Saturday morning!) and logged on to my lappie. Replied a "secret admirer's" letter and decided to go downstairs and make pasta bake! At 6 in the morning!

Humm.. maybe I should try sleep again..

Raya haji

Just got off the phone with Aunty Bedah. Esok raya!

We're invited to her house tomorrow for some makan-makan lunchtime. Tomorrow I'm off with Mai to look for a door-stopper at chinatown.

-Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha 2006-

Words of Wisdom

I'm not sure if I want to do this
I've heard everyone whom is about to do this feels like you do right now
if you keep thinking and thinking about it
you may never get over it
it may just aggravate your problem
without having any idea where your thought is going

I've poured my heart and worries out to so many close people in my life for the past couple of months and none had made me feel as calmer and better than those words.

I think he is perfect.. well maybe not.. but given what you've told me,
relationships depends on how much effort you are willing to make
You know what.. I know you can stand on your own but sometimes
I am scared of you being alone and struggle to regain yourself alone..
Life is not like that..
we are born to meet people to be together with
and share something cherishable with those you care for
You will be fine..my dear
put it this way.. you are afraid of yourself
but now what he really want is just you
and maybe the burden should be followed as he is willing to take any risk
just have faith in him
For me, to really know about one person is truly love
Love may not be defined easily.. it can be a part of somebody's life
or it can be all of one's life
and.. as you go along life together
without experiencing anything "new", "different", "challenging" or "unique"
that makes you excited about love
at least you've got someone to share moments with you
and supports you
it's a pleasant thing to have someone be by your side
it's just one of the processes in life
I know how independent you are but you can still be with him
the reality is.. we can never find someone to match our dreams perfectly
we just find someone who suits perfectly for us.
On a side note: You've gotta stop doing things just to please 'her'
you are losing yourself with it
try listening to your heart and that connects to your thoughts.

*hugs*
A God-sent friend

Slowwwwww.....

Time is moving incredibly slow.

I wanna get home!!
There are million of things to do then, I'm sure. And events too. Kak Da and family will be moving into their new home in Kajang, brainstorming with mom n dad of the 9 goodies to get for him oh and also where to hold the ceremony, look out for our attire for the ceremony, buy things with him for starting a new life here (sigh.. :), get more things for me me me, tell abg and adik I love them so so very very much and nothing will change that tho I'll be booked, meet Ma and hear to what she has to say, grab Makcha to pour my little heart out, hang out with my dear cousins, nieces and nephews, and oh much much more!

Things to shop!
1) Perencah Nasi Kandar (yummy! can't wait to cook for you, baby. Though I know you'll say it's nice no matter how the food I make will torture your taste buds)
2) Brand new calendar book 2007
3) Bring more photos from home
4) Bedsheets!
5) Clothes and uhm.. i could use a new pair of jeans
6) Bday presents for Mai, Renae and Suc! (sorry guys)
7) Abg and Papa's bday presents
8) Mags
9) Toiletries (cleanser, moisturiser, toner)
10) Socks!
11) Mee Loong Foong (ask papa to get from Phg)
12) New housing and keypad for my hp
13) New earrings!

Ok I admit. Some of the things here are totally un-necessary and not things that I NEED. Who said I can't want? Anyway, I don't mind if things listed here will not be 100% satisfied. S' long I get my man to lay his cute bum here with me for the rest of my life, I'll be contented.

No, really.

Losing you

This entry is to clarify (after much thought and pondering), that referring to "A Sucker" entry, what I meant by "afraid of losing him" was not meant by us breaking up nor by divorce.

But "losing him" as in who he is, what he is and how he is right now to me.

*This, baby is my biggest fear of all*

I guess I got this from hearing far too many stories about husbands not turning out to be who they were before they got married. The nearer the Day comes, the more I hear about it. It just freaks me out. Perhaps, by the end of it all, it falls down to "rezeki". And all we can do about it right now is "tawakal" and hope that everything will fall to place.

i hate uncertainties

Merry Christmas

I hope it is not too late to wish everyone here and all over the globe a happy, happy Christmas!

A Sucker

Mai and her family are coming for lunch today and I made nasi ayam to welcome them. Meen bought the ingredients as I'm totally broke that I could eat sand right now (honestly!). So while waiting for them to arrive, we watch Christmas by Candlelight on telly. It was a repeat from last night and I just realized how much I've missed Xmas songs.

Anyway, as I was amazed by the ever gorgeous beauty Delta Goodrem I couldn't wait to hear Jessica Mauboy singing "All I want for Christmas is you". Can't help thinking of the story "Love Actually" and according to Meen, she does look like the girl in the movie while singing the number.

When High 5 came out to perform, one of them played a guitar and I couldn't help getting that flicker of emotion in my tummy and warm juices in my heart. Yes, people. Among all singers and performers in the world, High 5 reminded me of how much a sucker I am with guys playing guitars! Sigh.....

Last night he called as usual and we talked. Casually, as I told him I feel fat and ugly, he asked, what is my biggest fear. For a split second there, I've no clue whatsoever answer to that. There is no one thing that I fear of right now but losing him. He rationalized my emotions of being fat and ugly to worrying too much about 'the Day', which is absolutely true, baby. I worry of uncertainties.

Don't we all, I wonder.

Daddy dearest

It just hit me. Perhaps all my anxiety, worry, depression, mixed emotions came from realizing one thing that matters all my life.

*No longer a daddy's girl*

Don't get me wrong, baby. Spending my lifetime with you has always, always been playing in my mind and my dreams. Yet, still. I don't wanna be on my own. I still wanna hold on to daddy. I'm daddy's girl. I guess it'll hit me harder when the time comes for me to leave Msia and come back here with my future fiance.

I've no idea how people do it. How do you go from being a single person to having someone with you for the rest of your life? The transition is a huge step for me. It looks like an enormous gap for me to leap. I will leap, I'm sure I will. But how far do I go after that? Would I be walking straight or run? I do see him waiting for me on the other end. Yet at some parts of the journey it feels like I'll be going through it alone. Papa (as most fathers out there) has always, always wants (and he makes sure I get) the best for me. If every kid's dream in this world is to go to Disneyworld, he made sure I get to go. Not only one Disneyworld, but few disneys around the globe. If people dream of going to Paris, he made sure we (and my two brothers) get to go Paris and around Europe, not only once, but it has been 4 times. The sky is the limit with papa. Like Abg Zul once said recently, if my name's been uttered, say no more, and papa will provide.

I'm grateful for my fiance-to-be. He has been very supportive and encouraging. There's no one in the world I'd trade in to be in his shoes right now. He has been there since I was too young to even know how to wear makeup (he still teases me sometimes). He saw my flaws and listens to all my crazy thoughts. My insecurities, my worries, playing my 'what if' games (as he calls it), my smart thoughts and not-so-smart ones. He sees and listens to everything. Parts of me that I'm still ashamed of and parts that I'm proud of. He works hard for my dreams. So don't worry, papa because I believe and I trust that he will give me more if not, at par with what papa has and is giving me.

I pray a little harder now and my prayers are with you baby. God, if he is the one for me, for the rest of my life, then oh God please make my heart stronger to leave Papa's hold and to take his. Amin.

Countdown

30 days to go..

i'm scared. really. very scared.

Date

It is confirmed today.
Countdown to the date: 39 days left from today.

Break of Dawn

Can't sleep.

Perhaps knowing that it'll not be the way that is dreamed of all these while. There won't be 'the' celebration. It'll be more of 'her' event.
At times, I don't think I can handle the pressure.

Yes, I am afraid of commitment.
What if we fall out. What if he can't stand living with me. What if I can't stand living with him. What if suddenly he wakes up and realizes this is not how he wants his life to be. What if I experience a change of heart. What if I can't trust myself.
Yes, I am playing the 'what if' game.

Maybe it's not just that.

One Step

11:45am right now in msia and we have taken the first step.

Restless

Can't sleep. Wide awake by 4am. Tossed and turned finally at 6.30 decided to go dwnstairs n make instant noodles. Bright and shine outside on a summer day.

Looked at the dates for January. Decided on the 20th. Papa's bday touches the nxt day.

We'll see how it goes today. In approximately 7 hrs time.

Tomorrow

It's happening tmrw and feeling crappy with scrathy throat, slight cough and runny nose. Papa said everything's well. They got the wallpaper fixed frm Mowkie's doing, the gifts with light gold color theme and food catered for 80 - 100 ppl. Papa said everyone from his side is coming. Mama jst called a few frm her side.

His mom's arriving tday with his side of the family. About 20 ppl.

To be honest, I dnt quite know how I feel. Mixed with the bug in my head. Whatever it is, it's happening. Tomorrow.

Ring

He bought the ring today.

Realization

Came to a realization some time ago.

Maybe because it's not how it was dreamt to be.
It is our dream, but not mine.
And now learning to let go of my "dream" and be happy for ours.

Arrived

Left on the 4th and arrived on the 6th. Luggages were okay but I missed my flight frm Syd to Adl due to the flight delay in London. Thankfully I was put on the next flight to Adl at 12.25pm. Reached home, dragged luggages up the stairs to my room, showered and knocked on Meen's door. She screamed with surprise.

Long trip. Long days.

Last Day, Final Outing

Walk around Geneve city

The Last open house

The Men
The Women

And the children were all over the place it's hard to take pictures of them together. This is at uncle amran (the second man) 's house.

The Tram

A blurry and ugly picture of the tram ticket

Chamonix - Mont Blanc

We woke up early to go Mont Blanc. Aunty Aishah and Uncle Yunus's open house is in the afternoon.
Mont Blanc
The tunnel entering Mont Blanc

United Nation Bazaar

Lucky me I got to go inside the UN building. There were stalls from almost every country in the world! Here's one from Australia.

The Search for Villeroy and Boch

The long 6 hr journey
Luxembourg here we come!
Metz

Abg zul drove 6 hrs to Luxembourg to the Villeroy and Boch factory outlet. Lucky for us (Abg zul, Uncle Jimmy, Kak Da, Kak Nana, me, Bella, Yah and Zachary) even in the outlet itself it was on sale!! Kak Nana bought 2 sets and Kak Da bought one. I bought 3 mug and cookie saucer football villeroy and boch edition sets. And also a Luxembourg mug!

We stayed at Formule 1 hotel. Got my period. Tomorrow heading home back to Geneve.

Zach's Bday Party

Kak Nana's baby, Zachary turns one.

Today's the McDonald's party.

Family Day out

Badminton today.
Met the rest of the crowd. Aunty anne, aunty ainon, kak nana etc etc

Tonight open hse at uncle G and aunty G's house.

First open house

I reached Geneve at 11am, my luggages were delayed cos they missed the flight from London to Geneve and are on their way on the nxt plane. Already the family were invited to an open house at uncle suffian and aunty muzalmah's house. Uncle Am was invited for lunch at our home and we had kak da's ns beriyani. Later we left for uncle am's hse while waiting for abg zul to finish work. Watched "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" at his home theatre room.

When we reached the open hse, their kids, kak long, kak ngah, sarah and suraya were watching kabhi kushi kabhi gham repeatedly. Apparently Wan knows Mak Itam. I couldn't open my eyes watching movies while waiting for them to finish talking.

That nite I woke up at 4am. Couldn't get myself to sleep.

Swiss

Leaving London Heathrow airport to Geneve.

Leaving for Swiss tday. Adl - Syd - London - Geneve.

Perhaps I needed the break. My ticket's confirmed for a month. My last trip. Bachelorette trip. I hope I do find what I've been seeking for.

Confusion

I should be happy. I know.
I've always imagined I'd be ecstatically happy when the time comes.
Yet today tonight there are none.

Am I doing the right thing?

A New Beginning

He comes
At 11am
Nervously waiting

.. and he's officially accepted

Changing life

It is time to make the decision.
A lifetime decision.

Home

Back in Msia for 12 days.

Raya

Tomorrow will be that time of the year again.

-Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri 2006-

Wish

*i grief for the loss of person i want to become and my family wants me to become of*

Why bother?

I learned something small today. But perhaps can change and become something big for me in my future.

I learned that sometimes when people in crisis/trouble comes and talk to you, they come with an intention for you to only hear.
Sometimes they come wanting you to hear and understand them.
Sometimes they come wanting you to hear them, understand them, and say what they want to hear from you.
And sometimes they come wanting you to hear them, understand them, say what they want to hear from you, and ask for opinions and suggestions from you that doesn't require them to lower their ego, make the first move or make the change happen.

So why bother?

Empty

She had just left 2 days ago.
Empty room. Empty space.
A big empty space.
Out there and in here..

Power to "Be"

Be who you are and say what you feel
Because those who mind don't matter
And those who matter don't mind

Cartoon Character

Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble? A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test: Answer all the questions with what describes you best, then add up all your points at the end and look for your results. Then forward this to all your friends and change the subject of this message to what character fits you..

And I am.. Charlie Brown!!

You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

=)

Adverts

Found an advert people making fun of Malaysian and their armpits.
And a german-malay-german F1 race car advert by Petronas.
Cool.

http://myvocalchords.blogspot.com/

The Unknown

One of my good old friends, Fikri sent his "personal statement" (as he calls it) application to universities in the States or UK pursuing his Masters degree in film-making for me to have a brief read.

Here's what caught me most.

"People are generally afraid of that which they do not know. Though understandable, it is something I want to change."

I have to give credit to him for this particular statement.
For he has found the hero in himself.

As how we say it here "down-under"..

g'd on ya, mate!

News

He got it =)

High Explorers

"..because we take chunks of our life experiences; then we explore and analyze them"

Joy, my supervisor tonight told us that counsellors are high explorers. Not many are high explorers so what we are may not apply to others. I figure we should always be aware of our expectations.

If only it is that easy to not have expectations.

Love Actually

They were showing one of my all-time favourite movies, Love Actually tonight.
So naturally, we huddled on our sofas in front of the telly and watched it.
Ooo-ing and ahh-ing along the way.

*Love is. Love does. Love doesn't hurt*