-3 weeks-

So how am I feeling?
Of course excited..
and sad..
and nerve-wrecking..
and emotional..
and worried..
yet happy..
yea.. that's how it feels right now

what's been happening so far?
since I returned, we went Jakarta, and twice back to the 'home'..
last Thurs 'they' gathered almost 30 females frm ... to hold a second meeting for the big day
and 30 males at another venue to take care of the cooking..
all was organized by one of our closest, dearest family friend..
whom she referred us as one of her 'relatives'..
itinery has been updated..
some cards hv been sent out..
some received the honour of being given personally by hand..
Ma despite in a wheelchair went house by house in our hometown to give out some cards..
she insisted on having 2 'tabaks' instead of 1 (coz arwah tok would insist it if she were still alive)..
some people has also suggested to have 'malam berinai'..
most of them has planned not to sleep for 4 days 4 nights..
during the meeting I looked at papa n he mouthed to me.. "papa sediakan duit je.. everything is planned for by my ppl"..
with a proud but obviously tired face..
he whom jst recovered from CCU never utter a word of disappointment abt the wedding..
this is what he want..
it is all for him..
and nothing mends a broken heart like when i see him happy n healthy..
of course there are many things i'd prefer to have or not have..
i dreamt weddings as a little girl just the same..
so you think i'm lucky?
yes. i am. being loved this much.
but no. i don't think you'd want to be in my shoes.
it doesn't fit.
it takes years of understanding, courage and broken hearts..
i wish your life had been and still is easier than this..
last weekend (3rd n 4th) i dragged the excited-than-me abg to the marriage course..
a course every bride n groom to be has to attend to get married..
met Hilmi..
whom i don't think i've met since we were 15..
he came with his fiance..
today we bought the ring..
"the ring"..
Zalia agreed to decorate our hantarans..
there are approx 100 bunga telur need to be done..
tmrw to KLCC to get some things..
the bed-set arrived last Friday..

suprisingly, i must say,
i don't feel too busy and stressed as i anticipated..

a good sign?
i duno..

but i do feel our family are being watched at every single step we make closer to the big day..

so how?

My Stage

i talk in whispers
i look past people
i brace myself
i sit up straight
i put on a brave face
i stand up quicker
i sit down slower
i look at the time more often
i count the days carefully
i carry my heart around high on my chest
i don't stop to count my heartbeat anymore

i just do it

haven't u heard life is like a stage
so this is the role i play today

Distant Eyes

Her eyes looking at me
They are still the same
The way they dance when she talks
Oh the way she talks
Her smile
Her gestures
Her words are of wisdom
Her thoughts goes way beyond her years
Just how I remembered her before
That's just how she is

After 12 years..
She's still the same

Thanks for your time
It was lovely to meet you again
Ms. Bumblebee =)

more than advises..

i need support n words of encouragements..

Daylight Savings

Yesterday actually. We roamed around our neighbourhood wondering why these people open their shops late only to realize we've got our watches ahead of time hehe

That's what we had on our 14th-month.


See how lazy she is. It was a Sunday. Sunday is lazy day.








That's the first mud crab I caught. I wonder where the picture of the actual crab is..








And so these were what I made yesterday on a lazy Sunday. Chicken and tarragon pie which I altered the recipe much to my liking. It calls for leeks but we went to Coles everyday since Thursday and twice on Saturday! It was a spur of the moment decision to make this pie and I didn't feel like going to the supermarket so think as I might what to substitute, found a huge spring onion lying around in the fridge, some leftover parsley from the hse-warming bbq, mushrooms and corn! The recipe calls for BBQ chicken but I charred some fillets instead. And the result of cutting the pie while it was warm, led to eating a very creamy pie. Boo was so hungry! Well because I altered the recipe as such, I should have upped the tarragon. But I'm happy the filling was creamy and delicious!

Before making the pie, I've marinated some chicken fillets to smoke them. Yep, tea-smoked chicken. And that's how it turned out to be! It really tasted good and different. Worth all the preparing and work. It was supposed to be eaten with some dipping sauce but I couldn't be bothered to boil some so we just had them like so. It was so yummy even without! Great with salads or warm rice.

Today's menu:
Screwpine leaves chicken (Ayam goreng pandan-lah) and Lemon Olive oil cake/cuppies!

But for now, off to work!

Choices.. choices..

Sharm's got her visa approved today. What's happening with mine??
I hope Adik could come soon. But I think he will. If not, it's not going to be too soon before I leave. And I'd feel bummed leaving him behind by myself (am so not good with good-byes!!). If so, I can't wait! But lesser valuable time with my boo than expected. Sigh..

Anyone has remedies for irrational thoughts and feelings?
Been getting a few these days. I blame it on PMS.

Weekly Countdown

Oh dear..
I've been counting the weeks before the big day.
Week 14th.. not so many more weeks to go.

Checklist
- waiting on the arrivals of cards
- fittings!
- house should be 80% ready by now
- papa's 3rd major meeting with one of his teams
- mama's team meeting, put to work
- browse gifts and ring
- shoot off to jkt soon
- book and purchase tix
- call dimia

ok i think if i list down everything that needs to be done here, it'll take ages. i need an assistant. hmm..

To compensate what I've been consuming (mostly meat meat and more meat) these past few days, it's all veges today. Seafood, fine. Thinking of what to pack.. it'll be winter once we reach back here so we'll be needing at least a jacket/coat or two.

Now on what's bugging me. The notion of getting married. I've been doing some readings to further mentally prepare myself. And sharing notes with him once in a while. Of course, I am excited for the event. I can't wait to start the event. I hope everything goes well and I'm waiting for it all to fall into place. I don't demand anything else but the health and the heart of us both on our big day. And nothing else.

But when it comes to getting married, myself. It's a different story. I'll be building an empire of my own - with him. No longer depending and covering under Papa's wings (though I've a feeling those wings are spreading bigger each day). I shall be changing my main status. From a daughter to a wife. My responsibilities, my purpose, my priorities shifts and change. With all my heart I hope this to be the start to a new beginning filled with challenges and dreams. Hence, I try everyday to answer those silent questions. Am I able to be a wife. A good wife to him. Will I be able to draw my responsibilities and hold a family. Am I sufficient. Am I ready to take this step. Can I be strong to hold us when we fall. How do I manage when things fall apart for us. Nauzubillah. Can I make-up for the two of us. What happens when a baby comes along. Am I sufficient enough for him - and for us. What will come in the way for us while we build our marriage. Will I be able to handle it. When will I break. Will I ever break. What happens when I do. What about our expectations. Will it be met. Or shall we not have any. Where do I draw the line. Can I carry on. How do I set my priorities. What do I need to think about. Will I be able to handle it. Where is my strength. Will I lose myself. Who, where, what am I.

So yeah, to me, it's nothing at all about just getting married. I don't think you'll realize it until you are about to get married. It's stepping into a whole new world to me. If you get or got into marriage thinking it's just getting married, think again. But congratulations if you've survived it. I'm sure you've put lots of thoughts into it and prepared yourself differently once you've got married. To note today, I still do not have a concrete answer to these questions. There is no more me now, but there is us. I no longer look for advice, but support. I find some advises I receive are toxic. But I thank you for those advises. So I wouldn't overlook the worst. Now I learn to choose-with regards to advises-what to keep to heart and what to not. But I try hard not to forget, either. I will take one step a day. I shall remind myself who I am everyday. I will take time to find myself. I will try hard not to lose me.
I trust him.
I trust God.
I trust me.
And I shall learn to instill that trust throughout our journey.

Insyallah

On our 6th-year anniv

Tonight was unplanned for.

Good, eventful and purposeful day at work. Plus brownie points on my performance =D
Dropped off the grant on the way home from work, stuff my ears to ipod and decided to walk to Rundle. Cruised into a kiosk and bought a choc drink. Went in and out few stores before finding a jacket suitable for this Spring season. Met Aida briefly. Settle down in Borders before he came to wipe me off my feet and head back home.

Dropped off our work stuff at home and walked to the one and only restaurant that's open. Grimaldi's. Entertained ourselves with our conversation. Conversation I love. Conversations we used to always talk about. The wait for food was long enough to spark those conversations and managed to continue on til we ordered coffee after they took our plates away. And it still continues..

After 6 years, I'd think those kind of conversations would fade away..
And so I'm wrong.. I am so wrong..

Only Just
So I am brave here to admit at this time, this day..
thank you b for tonight..
for such a simple night..
only just food and talk..
but i love our "talks"..
always have, always will do..
and how grateful i am to be able to realize it..
tonite when i look at you across the table..
in the middle of our talk tonite..
for just a split second..
only just being able to realize..
this is the first reason i love you so..
then i smile and looked away..
pretending hard not to burst with emotions..
and tune myself back..
to our conversation..
only just our conversation.

Happy 6 years Anniversary, b
6 years..!!

BBQ Galore

After a full crazy day and candle-lit night entertaining wonderful friends at home for a house-warming and BBQ, today we end up cleaning and scrubbing away the set and dishes! Mental note, use aluminium foil on the barbie!

Thank you for the beautiful presents, good laughter, great company, kind words, encouragements and support. We shall do this again with pictures and videos the next time!

Sincerity

b..
Hmm..
So what's gonna happen next?
What..?
When we get married.. will we be happy all the time?
No.. not all the time. But most of the time, we will.

"i promise you ME"
cos what you see is what you get

wind of change

more and more..
day by day..

i feel all this
might be a big mistake..

it just keeps on
spiralling down..

14th months.. =)

The start of a long Easter weekend! We received a Haigh's Choc Easter egg from Alicia. She's been working interstate pretty hard. After work we head to Marion and purchased the long awaited BBQ set *yay!!* and so much for the NY resolution not to shop, eh? but hey.. at least it's not just for me! *wink wink!* =)

Since the night has cooled very much since the 'once-in-3000 years-heat-wave', as the call it here. Did I tell you temperature here has rose above 35 degrees for the past 15 days since the 17th? Yeah. And they say it only happen once in 3000 years. Lucky? Not so, really. It was melting HOT!

So yes, since tonight has cooled very very very much down to almost 10 degrees, we went for a small anniv celeb dessert.

Sleep

Last night was one of the best night sleep I've had in weeks! The night was cool and the minute I lay my head, I dozed off instantly. All I heard next was Sylvia's morning wake up call and her noisy little bell. She climbed onto the bed with me and lay down for few minutes as usual to wake me up. Now with all the noise she makes and the rubbing, being a light sleeper, try as I might to fall back to sleep again, I couldn't. It was already close to 9 anyway. Sometimes I wish she's mute. She would mew at the door if it's closed.

I had chilli tuna with semi sun-dried tomatoes and onion rings open sandwich on sourdough bread for lunch. I'd like to pick out the baby spinach leaves I grew on our balcony but they just survived the heat rush we had for couple of weeks so I figured I should just leave them be for a while. Today's the first day we've temperature below 30. We bought telur burung puyuh recently and am planning to make masak pedas with it. Haven't had those for ages. It's about 4 dollars for around 20 eggs. We don't go to the market weekly now. We just go whenever we have to hehe. With Burnside Village next door, it's so easy to just pop-in.

Okay I should get back to work now. Tomorrow's the big day. I wish we'd get more refugees that just recently arrived - approximately less than a year or so, instead. I'm able to tailor and guide my workshop better.

Melting Moments

aahhh...
while i'm doing this, i'm only moments away after the internet streams on at home *yay!*

So our fornightly activity went well. We only reach home at 5 in the morning after sending off few friends who joined us. Made yummy chilli crabs last night. Spoke (or type, rather) too soon! Dear Lufee and Grace just asked if they can join us crabbing this weekend. Now I can't say it's a fortnightly activity cause we've agreed to bring Sharm n Raelene for the next weekend!

It's melting hot here. Today's our 15th day of over 35 degrees temperature. Crazy! This Wednesday I'll be running the workshop/seminar to the refugees. The weather forecast said temperature will cool down by Tuesday. I sure hope so!

My boo has been having this bad stomach-ache for few days now. I hope it goes away soon. Sylvia finally came around after nearly a week away. It's too hot even for her.

MY 10 ways to surviving heat this summer!
1) Keep frozen water bottles/fruit boxes/drinks in your freezer - before leaving home, wrap them with hand towels. A 750ml bottle will supply you with icy cold water til after work!
2) Close blinds and windows - to keep heat wave from entering homes/rooms.
3) Wear thin clothings - bare skin when in contact with sun can do more damage.
4) Avoid blasting air condition when you're in the car if you frequently go in and out of it. The sudden temperature change can result to major headaches.
5) Drink, drink, drink. Always, always, always keep a bottle with you at all times. I even keep a frozen one closeby at home!
6) We often dine out or buy take-aways. Standing near the stove in this weather is not a way to keep the heat out from the home!
7) I make roasts and grills more often.
8) Keep indoors. Though this may not be a good idea if you're like me, indoors means shopping malls! Indoors as in home/office/uni is fine. hehe!
9) Go crabbing! Or fishing! Where else to be when you can't sleep! I find it harder to sleep-in (or just sleep for that matter!) in this weather. The beach winds are much much better!
10) Let's head to the beach!

Now for the big day. Those coming from different states/countries, we may need to get your details and confirmation to have your accomodation booked and trasportation ready. Dear Papa has called few days ago ranting about it in my ears.

Sigh.

At the moment, I feel so un-motivated to do this.

March? Already?

oh dear.. what had happened?

Our first year engagement anniv brought us to our new lovely home. (yes.. it has been a year =)

13th months anniv was at home with Uncle Bruhan and family. We had them over and celebrated with dinner + desert (nasi ayam yum). I must admit, that week and the week prior was hectic. It ended with the girls sleeping over for nearly a week with us! Glad it's all over now. We managed to get them around SA and drove around surrounding areas. With work grant due very soon at the time, my mind was all over the place. Once submitted, I must say, girls, it was fun having you both over. We'll meet up again for bbq soon, eh!

Hmm.. 2008 doesn't start too well for me, health-wise. Been sick twice in the span of 3 months. After the girls left, the flu bug landed on me and decided to cling onto me for almost 2 weeks now. Though I've to admit, I'd exacerbate it with crabbing til wee hours in the morning. Can't help it! We left the house after dinner and though it's summer (closing to autumn) that day (or week i should say) was so cold and windy. As a result, the flu got worse. The best thing happened that night was when we saw a huge tuna strolling underneath us! Yes, the water was THAT clear! The night was dark with only half moon shining and we were sitting around.. talking and yakking on the jetty.. then there it came underneath us.. calmly strolling like nothing's happening in its world. Sigh.. I wish I'm a tuna fish =)

Work's been fine. I've to do this workshop-plan for refugees here and conduct it within a week's time. I need to call up for a meeting soon for the other project. And make sure to get another project running in time (hopefully). Right now, I don't think I wanna think/talk abt work. Fishing and crabbing sounds much more fun!

We went fishing and crabbing shopping the other day. Bought couple fishing rods (are you kidding me? of course! after seeing that tuna!) and the accessories required. Nettings and it's lures. Chairs. That should keep us busy for a while. Apart from that, we were in Hahndorf with the girls, picking strawberries and there are some parts of Hahndorf city that has been demolished to build something else. We took a different route to get to the hills and it was SO beautiful to see everything below. It really felt as if we were spirallling up the hills. Then to few malls and harbour town. Also IKEA a couple times buying things for our home. To several beaches at various times of the day. Dine out, dine in. Shop.

Had few friends over for dinner last night. Thanks to my boo's fish head curry, the whole place smelled yummy til this morning. There was Morning Tea event at the office last Friday and I managed to snuck out few pies. Villi's makes the best pies in my opinion. I've discovered how to make the pastry yummy with a tinge of orange flavour. Haven't had those for a while so I chomped down a couple and brought home some for B. Oh yesterday was spring cleaning. We finally managed to get the whole house mopped, brushed and cleaned! Sylvia's fur was all over the place! After the girls left I was aching to re-arrange some things and organize few stuff.

I am feeling so lazy to update pix n such. Will do soon. I hope. March is here! That means, two more months before the big day. Oh gosh my tummy's squirming. And flip-flopping. How I wish to wake up tomorrow and know that it's all over. *wishful thinking, i know*

Did I tell you about the Festival of Arts opening night? The Northern Lights made the buildings look mesmerizing. Clipsal started when the girls were around. We could hear those car engines zooming around from our place. Fringe has also started. Womad and Cup day is coming soon. So is Easter! And Labour Day tomorrow, hence.. no work yay!

oh yes, as for V-day. He took me to the Royal Garden restaurant and dine =)

p/s: and dear ms bugbites, happy be-earlied birthday!! in case i didn't get the chance on the day, hope you have a blast and nope, i didn't forget =)

V-day

I have a series of herb plants surviving on our kitchen balcony. We've a small outdoor opening area where Sylvia loves hanging around balancing herself on the border and sometimes sun-bathing - yes, it's summer and cold. There's parsley, basil, chilli, thyme, dill, butter lettuce, spinach, rosemary and cat-nip bought by dear beloved courtesy to Sylvia. But that doesn't stop her from harassing thyme and parsley. This morning before 8am she was already out my bedroom door and as soon as she sees me going to the bathroom, she mew all the way. Geez, it's not even morning yet! So while I was watering and caring for my herbs, she voluntarily 'gomol' the catnip and the pot fell. She stopped, looked at me - knowing well I'll raise my voice at her - and gave me the it-was-an-accident look. I can't bring myself to say anything. Instead, I picked it up again and she 'gomol' heartily. Yes. I've a very gentle-soft spot for her. After all, she never fails to brighten my day =)

My boo has been very busy lately staying up and waking up early. With his major review just around the corner, it's heart-breaking sometimes to see him working so hard. But good at the same time. Last night, I made home-made burgers and there's a quarter leftover which was on a plate and now it's not. Sylvia has been playing with it. She has a liver condition making her unable to digest food properly. So she can only eat food prescribed by the vet. But that doesn't stop her being so fat! I bet she's fatter than mowkie.

Uncle Borhan calls everyday this week. I hope everything goes well when they all are here.

I'm so hungry right now.
He has a meeting.
I should have brought an apple with me.
Ok he's ready.
FOod here I come!

Oh our vday celebration? Hhmm.. I don't know. We almost forgot (though both refuses to admit..hehe) it's today, actually. Will tell you about it soon.

Lucky Strike

Yeah so I heard. Most of my life actually.
Lucky to have this and that. Lucky to be here and there. Lucky to get this and that. Lucky in love and life.
Little do they know decisions I made are mostly made up to satisfy her.

Anyway, that's besides the point.

At the moment we're having trouble setting up internet at home. Grace has arrived and contently in my former room. Nisa and her parents, Aunty Khairul and Uncle Borhan will be arriving this Sat morning. Clipsal 500 starts on the 20th. Can't wait! We went for the Symphony under the Stars event 2 weeks ago. The fireworks sure shocked us to life! Met Anthony. The event was beautiful.

I know I promised to post the 'love' of our life soon. As soon as we get everything set-up. I am having these baking urges again. Maybe it's the weather. It's been surprisingly cool for summer. He had been heading to work with a jacket lately. I am currently on the search for a BBQ set. Living here, it is almost essential to have one (and also to make our courtyard look presentable hehe). Maybe I'll head off for some serious search after meeting with MWA next Monday. Right now, I can't seem to take it off my mind. Wish me luck! No, wish us all luck. hehe..

Sacrifice

Maybe I should go back.
Will I suffer? Sure.
That'll be my sacrifice to him.

whom by the way, works hard for my dreams.

Yay!!

Now let me just clarify first that although I've lived here for few years, all I've heard was Magill being the "rich people" area up to the hills. Not the eastern suburb. Up til Mamat mentioned it, and seeing the houses in front and surrounding areas of our new place. I did not choose the property, it chose us. Really!
Also, when Burnside Village does not happen to sell Myers, David Jones or Target merchandises. With Villeroy and Boch, Bracegirdles, Seed, Portmans, Sydney Street in Burnside Village. I reckon I would not have to step foot at Rundle Mall anymore. There's also Burnside Market with Angelakis seafood outlet, Pasta Deli, Coles, Bakers Delight, Gourmet food, cheeses and such, fruits and vegetables, Lenards, the Tea cafe and massive arrays of cafes. Not to mention the essential post office, banks and cinema. All less than 5 minutes walk from our door.

So yes, my NY resolution to do less shopping is not going easy for me. I'm pretty certain I've burnt a hole into darling fiance's pocket.

After multiple visits to various shopping outlets for home deco, we're almost done and will soon be planning a house-warming party. We still need a bit more touch-ups here and there especially for the spacious courtyard. So far, I am loving the place, the neighbourhood and people around us. We've got people coming in on Friday to install the phone line and waiting for Neil to get back to me about the oven. Then, we'll be set.

Tick-tock tick-tock it's already February.
I'll update more when the internet has set-up.
Right now, I've to buy some flour to make red bean paus for Ruitin's Chinese New Year party tomorrow.

We have a new love.
I'll post it soon!

This time, this space

Then we took off
I stare into the open space
The darkness, the emptiness
And I start thinking

I think about their relationship in the past
I think about their future
And what they have now

I wonder how my presence mean to her
And her eyes speaks
Then I stopped wondering
And I think

I visualize her again
Shining and glowing
She looked happy
So happy
And I think
I think

I think about things we've spoken about
Our late night talks
Before our minds shut down
And the ones unspoken of
I stared into the darkness
And I think

It's dark
And it's late
I'm still thinking
Til my head hurts

So what lies ahead
is unknown of
And my last words to her
Be strong