So she took my hand before leaving the ceremony as I extended mine modestly. She felt the ring on my finger and took a long pause just looking at it. And so she fnally said..
"Miza.. ini tanda kasih dia. Kasih yang pertama dari mertua kamu. Jagalah semua sebaik-baiknya."
And everytime I looked at it, these words never fail to remind me what all these means. Thank you Mak Benta. For making me feel loved. You're always rich with hidden messages in your words.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Fallen pieces
First outing since E-day. Got my tix upgraded (yippee!) and good seats. Transferred money for Jan rent and went around looking for ... bank to cash in his money. Then went back to his office, a farewell gathering from his friends while I drove home.
I do feel a bit tired from all these preparations, events, settlements. Surprise, surprise but I do feel like starting uni and 'bergelut' with assignments, datelines and presentations right now. Workaholic? I wonder myself too sometimes. Papa's blood runs thicker as I grow older.
As for the rest of my heartfull worries, I've decided to let time and God handle it. It has gone beyond my control. I'm glad she seems more understanding (seems aja). I hope she'll get better.
*hanging on a thread hoping things will fall into place*
I do feel a bit tired from all these preparations, events, settlements. Surprise, surprise but I do feel like starting uni and 'bergelut' with assignments, datelines and presentations right now. Workaholic? I wonder myself too sometimes. Papa's blood runs thicker as I grow older.
As for the rest of my heartfull worries, I've decided to let time and God handle it. It has gone beyond my control. I'm glad she seems more understanding (seems aja). I hope she'll get better.
*hanging on a thread hoping things will fall into place*
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
5 more days
Yep.
I'm counting the days again. Funny how I miss places back and forth.
I've bought some things in my list. But I still need shoes. Am not shoes freak. I only own .. humm.. let's see .. 3 sneakers.. 2 high heels.. 2 slippers.. 1 boots.. and 1 furry house-slippers. That's not so bad, eh? My all time fav white heels have broken recently when I dropped Kda's sofa on my small toe and had to be rushed to the nearest clinic. That's when Daya wore my heels in exchange to me wearing her wide slippers and she broke it. Kaki dia kembang sgt! Sigh..
Was in mv with mom. We bought new house fax/copier/answering/cordless phone machine. She wants details. I topped up some toilettries for my bathroom and some undies. Humm.. maybe I should get the pair of jeans.. hee..
Lunch with Aunty Poya at Shook and caught up with Sally Gourmet. The Marriot Hotel (Ritz Carlton) gave us (Him and I) strawberries dipped in chocolates in a chest box on our E-day. It was beautiful. They're doing our big day cake. And also the goodies on both our sides. Met Kak Intan in the gourmet. She's pregnant again.
His ticket is ready to be picked up tomorrow. And mine's waiting to be upgraded.
I'm counting the days again. Funny how I miss places back and forth.
I've bought some things in my list. But I still need shoes. Am not shoes freak. I only own .. humm.. let's see .. 3 sneakers.. 2 high heels.. 2 slippers.. 1 boots.. and 1 furry house-slippers. That's not so bad, eh? My all time fav white heels have broken recently when I dropped Kda's sofa on my small toe and had to be rushed to the nearest clinic. That's when Daya wore my heels in exchange to me wearing her wide slippers and she broke it. Kaki dia kembang sgt! Sigh..
Was in mv with mom. We bought new house fax/copier/answering/cordless phone machine. She wants details. I topped up some toilettries for my bathroom and some undies. Humm.. maybe I should get the pair of jeans.. hee..
Lunch with Aunty Poya at Shook and caught up with Sally Gourmet. The Marriot Hotel (Ritz Carlton) gave us (Him and I) strawberries dipped in chocolates in a chest box on our E-day. It was beautiful. They're doing our big day cake. And also the goodies on both our sides. Met Kak Intan in the gourmet. She's pregnant again.
His ticket is ready to be picked up tomorrow. And mine's waiting to be upgraded.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
i don't need to be scared off with your stories.. i don't need this right now.. i understand i need to be cautious.. but most of all i need you to be by my side.. she obviously thinks i'm taking something that is hers away from her.. so i need to learn how to win her heart.. let her love flows and falls onto me as how your love flows endlessly to me..
so she adds,
if it were to happen to .. i would've probably done the same thing
*that's the only way she can relate to things when it comes to understanding me*
so she adds,
if it were to happen to .. i would've probably done the same thing
*that's the only way she can relate to things when it comes to understanding me*
Monday, January 22, 2007
Addiction
i want to go home.
i mean MY home.
once again, i've fallen into her 'trap'. was i the one whom wanted this?
perhaps i am not made for her to be liked.
sometimes the simplest thing is hardest to understand.
abg pu and i talked for hours the night after the ceremony. we've not had long chats since ages. we came to the conclusion that i have been, i am and i will always be seento her as her 'challenger'. no one can talk to her, none can make her change but only circumstances. major ones. perhaps he's right. and i wonder what the circumstance will be.
i thought i could make you happy. i thought i could make you proud. but my achievements seem to spark anger in you. so i run again. and as the pattern continues, i couldn't find a way to stop.
you're right baby, it is an addiction.
"do you want me to break this off..? tell me what you want. you had wanted me to do this. and so i did. you know you are influential. you can memperkecilkan orang and you can also membesarkan orang. so now tell me what you want so i can feed your ego and satisfy your power. because right now i can see a failure in my life with words you put into my head."
i mean MY home.
once again, i've fallen into her 'trap'. was i the one whom wanted this?
perhaps i am not made for her to be liked.
sometimes the simplest thing is hardest to understand.
abg pu and i talked for hours the night after the ceremony. we've not had long chats since ages. we came to the conclusion that i have been, i am and i will always be seento her as her 'challenger'. no one can talk to her, none can make her change but only circumstances. major ones. perhaps he's right. and i wonder what the circumstance will be.
i thought i could make you happy. i thought i could make you proud. but my achievements seem to spark anger in you. so i run again. and as the pattern continues, i couldn't find a way to stop.
you're right baby, it is an addiction.
"do you want me to break this off..? tell me what you want. you had wanted me to do this. and so i did. you know you are influential. you can memperkecilkan orang and you can also membesarkan orang. so now tell me what you want so i can feed your ego and satisfy your power. because right now i can see a failure in my life with words you put into my head."
Saturday, January 20, 2007
E-day
Today's also the day Meen found her new man. Congratulations! I'm so so happy for you. After years of waiting.. finally! So many talks, so many speculations we made.. and now it ends and becomes a reality. So I pray for your happiness together and may this journey has more ups than downs filled with many many joy and laughters.
*and today.. i start my own journey on a different level and a different path*
*and today.. i start my own journey on a different level and a different path*
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Monday, January 15, 2007
5 days to go..
So this is 2007.
New Year night as usual were painted with mesmerizing fireworks.
I like the number 2 0 0 7.
It's been a while since I wrote. We just got our internet connection fixed (FINALLY!) at home (here in Msia) after nearing a year living without it. No idea how these people had lived.
I've only few days left of being single. Not been thinking about it too much. Was too busy with preparations and by night fall, I'll be too tired to even start thinking. Sorry folks, some preparation pictures will not be uploaded till after the E-day. Since some people I've invited views this blog regularly, I wouldn't wanna spoil the surprise for them. =)
Things back home have not been as hectic I thought. Not till nearing the Day. People at my facial treatment centre had complained my skin looks tired and dull lately. Must be from the long flight journey, anxieties, and endless thoughts. Mowkie's fur looks dry and coarse, Mom had changed her food. My attire has not been fitted.. oh I can't seem to even list here things that's not done, it freaks me out just by thinking about it. Meen and Haz will be coming Thursday night since Haz wouldn't be able to make it on E-day. Big apology to Adil for not attending his bday party last Saturday. Sibuk buat bunga la, dil. Jangan merajuk and not attending my E-day pulak! I'm waiting for my E-cupcakes ni! hehee..
As for my mental and emotional state, with family and him around, it has been a lot calmer. Tomorrow's another busy day.
New Year night as usual were painted with mesmerizing fireworks.
I like the number 2 0 0 7.
It's been a while since I wrote. We just got our internet connection fixed (FINALLY!) at home (here in Msia) after nearing a year living without it. No idea how these people had lived.
I've only few days left of being single. Not been thinking about it too much. Was too busy with preparations and by night fall, I'll be too tired to even start thinking. Sorry folks, some preparation pictures will not be uploaded till after the E-day. Since some people I've invited views this blog regularly, I wouldn't wanna spoil the surprise for them. =)
Things back home have not been as hectic I thought. Not till nearing the Day. People at my facial treatment centre had complained my skin looks tired and dull lately. Must be from the long flight journey, anxieties, and endless thoughts. Mowkie's fur looks dry and coarse, Mom had changed her food. My attire has not been fitted.. oh I can't seem to even list here things that's not done, it freaks me out just by thinking about it. Meen and Haz will be coming Thursday night since Haz wouldn't be able to make it on E-day. Big apology to Adil for not attending his bday party last Saturday. Sibuk buat bunga la, dil. Jangan merajuk and not attending my E-day pulak! I'm waiting for my E-cupcakes ni! hehee..
As for my mental and emotional state, with family and him around, it has been a lot calmer. Tomorrow's another busy day.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
21 days to go and still counting..
I'm going HOME!!
Just got back from Aunty Bedah's house. Thought of dropping by coz she needs to give meen n mai money to buy her "nyawa". Instead we ended up eating leftovers from yesterday's raya haji open house. Initially Meen brought Mai and I to Domino's to get my ever craved for brownies with chocolate sauce (yum!!). Thanks Meen, you're as good and as sweet.
We then wanted to go to Gloria Jeans and get Meen's "before departure quick fix" Tim Tam ice blended *drool* but made a detour to Aunty Bedah's house instead. Greeted by Qasha and Qrystal, Aunty Bedah her usual chats turned out to be 2 hours long and before we knew it.. it's already 12 am (yikes!!) and we've got a flight to catch tomorrow!
Closing 2006 and Msia get ready for a new year..
Happy New Year 2007 to all!!
Just got back from Aunty Bedah's house. Thought of dropping by coz she needs to give meen n mai money to buy her "nyawa". Instead we ended up eating leftovers from yesterday's raya haji open house. Initially Meen brought Mai and I to Domino's to get my ever craved for brownies with chocolate sauce (yum!!). Thanks Meen, you're as good and as sweet.
We then wanted to go to Gloria Jeans and get Meen's "before departure quick fix" Tim Tam ice blended *drool* but made a detour to Aunty Bedah's house instead. Greeted by Qasha and Qrystal, Aunty Bedah her usual chats turned out to be 2 hours long and before we knew it.. it's already 12 am (yikes!!) and we've got a flight to catch tomorrow!
Closing 2006 and Msia get ready for a new year..
Happy New Year 2007 to all!!
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Sleepless in Adelaide
Spent the whole night last nite trying to sleep!
Geez.. I love to sleep. I could sleep for hours and hours. Mom said I was born a sleeper. Didn't even move often inside her womb that it worries her sick.
Well maybe I'm excited. Or nervous. Or anxious. Or.. whatever!
So I woke up at 5.40 (can you believe it? I rarely at all wake up for sahur let alone on a Saturday morning!) and logged on to my lappie. Replied a "secret admirer's" letter and decided to go downstairs and make pasta bake! At 6 in the morning!
Humm.. maybe I should try sleep again..
Geez.. I love to sleep. I could sleep for hours and hours. Mom said I was born a sleeper. Didn't even move often inside her womb that it worries her sick.
Well maybe I'm excited. Or nervous. Or anxious. Or.. whatever!
So I woke up at 5.40 (can you believe it? I rarely at all wake up for sahur let alone on a Saturday morning!) and logged on to my lappie. Replied a "secret admirer's" letter and decided to go downstairs and make pasta bake! At 6 in the morning!
Humm.. maybe I should try sleep again..
Friday, December 29, 2006
Raya haji
Just got off the phone with Aunty Bedah. Esok raya!
We're invited to her house tomorrow for some makan-makan lunchtime. Tomorrow I'm off with Mai to look for a door-stopper at chinatown.
-Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha 2006-
Words of Wisdom
I'm not sure if I want to do this
I've heard everyone whom is about to do this feels like you do right now
if you keep thinking and thinking about it
you may never get over it
it may just aggravate your problem
without having any idea where your thought is going
I've poured my heart and worries out to so many close people in my life for the past couple of months and none had made me feel as calmer and better than those words.
I think he is perfect.. well maybe not.. but given what you've told me,
relationships depends on how much effort you are willing to make
You know what.. I know you can stand on your own but sometimes
I am scared of you being alone and struggle to regain yourself alone..
Life is not like that..
we are born to meet people to be together with
and share something cherishable with those you care for
You will be fine..my dear
put it this way.. you are afraid of yourself
but now what he really want is just you
and maybe the burden should be followed as he is willing to take any risk
just have faith in him
For me, to really know about one person is truly love
Love may not be defined easily.. it can be a part of somebody's life
or it can be all of one's life
and.. as you go along life together
without experiencing anything "new", "different", "challenging" or "unique"
that makes you excited about love
at least you've got someone to share moments with you
and supports you
it's a pleasant thing to have someone be by your side
it's just one of the processes in life
I know how independent you are but you can still be with him
the reality is.. we can never find someone to match our dreams perfectly
we just find someone who suits perfectly for us.
On a side note: You've gotta stop doing things just to please 'her'
you are losing yourself with it
try listening to your heart and that connects to your thoughts.
*hugs*
A God-sent friend
I've heard everyone whom is about to do this feels like you do right now
if you keep thinking and thinking about it
you may never get over it
it may just aggravate your problem
without having any idea where your thought is going
I've poured my heart and worries out to so many close people in my life for the past couple of months and none had made me feel as calmer and better than those words.
I think he is perfect.. well maybe not.. but given what you've told me,
relationships depends on how much effort you are willing to make
You know what.. I know you can stand on your own but sometimes
I am scared of you being alone and struggle to regain yourself alone..
Life is not like that..
we are born to meet people to be together with
and share something cherishable with those you care for
You will be fine..my dear
put it this way.. you are afraid of yourself
but now what he really want is just you
and maybe the burden should be followed as he is willing to take any risk
just have faith in him
For me, to really know about one person is truly love
Love may not be defined easily.. it can be a part of somebody's life
or it can be all of one's life
and.. as you go along life together
without experiencing anything "new", "different", "challenging" or "unique"
that makes you excited about love
at least you've got someone to share moments with you
and supports you
it's a pleasant thing to have someone be by your side
it's just one of the processes in life
I know how independent you are but you can still be with him
the reality is.. we can never find someone to match our dreams perfectly
we just find someone who suits perfectly for us.
On a side note: You've gotta stop doing things just to please 'her'
you are losing yourself with it
try listening to your heart and that connects to your thoughts.
*hugs*
A God-sent friend
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Slowwwwww.....
Time is moving incredibly slow.
I wanna get home!!
There are million of things to do then, I'm sure. And events too. Kak Da and family will be moving into their new home in Kajang, brainstorming with mom n dad of the 9 goodies to get for him oh and also where to hold the ceremony, look out for our attire for the ceremony, buy things with him for starting a new life here (sigh.. :), get more things for me me me, tell abg and adik I love them so so very very much and nothing will change that tho I'll be booked, meet Ma and hear to what she has to say, grab Makcha to pour my little heart out, hang out with my dear cousins, nieces and nephews, and oh much much more!
Things to shop!
1) Perencah Nasi Kandar (yummy! can't wait to cook for you, baby. Though I know you'll say it's nice no matter how the food I make will torture your taste buds)
2) Brand new calendar book 2007
3) Bring more photos from home
4) Bedsheets!
5) Clothes and uhm.. i could use a new pair of jeans
6) Bday presents for Mai, Renae and Suc! (sorry guys)
7) Abg and Papa's bday presents
8) Mags
9) Toiletries (cleanser, moisturiser, toner)
10) Socks!
11) Mee Loong Foong (ask papa to get from Phg)
12) New housing and keypad for my hp
13) New earrings!
Ok I admit. Some of the things here are totally un-necessary and not things that I NEED. Who said I can't want? Anyway, I don't mind if things listed here will not be 100% satisfied. S' long I get my man to lay his cute bum here with me for the rest of my life, I'll be contented.
No, really.
I wanna get home!!
There are million of things to do then, I'm sure. And events too. Kak Da and family will be moving into their new home in Kajang, brainstorming with mom n dad of the 9 goodies to get for him oh and also where to hold the ceremony, look out for our attire for the ceremony, buy things with him for starting a new life here (sigh.. :), get more things for me me me, tell abg and adik I love them so so very very much and nothing will change that tho I'll be booked, meet Ma and hear to what she has to say, grab Makcha to pour my little heart out, hang out with my dear cousins, nieces and nephews, and oh much much more!
Things to shop!
1) Perencah Nasi Kandar (yummy! can't wait to cook for you, baby. Though I know you'll say it's nice no matter how the food I make will torture your taste buds)
2) Brand new calendar book 2007
3) Bring more photos from home
4) Bedsheets!
5) Clothes and uhm.. i could use a new pair of jeans
6) Bday presents for Mai, Renae and Suc! (sorry guys)
7) Abg and Papa's bday presents
8) Mags
9) Toiletries (cleanser, moisturiser, toner)
10) Socks!
11) Mee Loong Foong (ask papa to get from Phg)
12) New housing and keypad for my hp
13) New earrings!
Ok I admit. Some of the things here are totally un-necessary and not things that I NEED. Who said I can't want? Anyway, I don't mind if things listed here will not be 100% satisfied. S' long I get my man to lay his cute bum here with me for the rest of my life, I'll be contented.
No, really.
Losing you
This entry is to clarify (after much thought and pondering), that referring to "A Sucker" entry, what I meant by "afraid of losing him" was not meant by us breaking up nor by divorce.
But "losing him" as in who he is, what he is and how he is right now to me.
*This, baby is my biggest fear of all*
I guess I got this from hearing far too many stories about husbands not turning out to be who they were before they got married. The nearer the Day comes, the more I hear about it. It just freaks me out. Perhaps, by the end of it all, it falls down to "rezeki". And all we can do about it right now is "tawakal" and hope that everything will fall to place.
i hate uncertainties
But "losing him" as in who he is, what he is and how he is right now to me.
*This, baby is my biggest fear of all*
I guess I got this from hearing far too many stories about husbands not turning out to be who they were before they got married. The nearer the Day comes, the more I hear about it. It just freaks me out. Perhaps, by the end of it all, it falls down to "rezeki". And all we can do about it right now is "tawakal" and hope that everything will fall to place.
i hate uncertainties
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Merry Christmas
I hope it is not too late to wish everyone here and all over the globe a happy, happy Christmas!
Monday, December 25, 2006
A Sucker
Mai and her family are coming for lunch today and I made nasi ayam to welcome them. Meen bought the ingredients as I'm totally broke that I could eat sand right now (honestly!). So while waiting for them to arrive, we watch Christmas by Candlelight on telly. It was a repeat from last night and I just realized how much I've missed Xmas songs.
Anyway, as I was amazed by the ever gorgeous beauty Delta Goodrem I couldn't wait to hear Jessica Mauboy singing "All I want for Christmas is you". Can't help thinking of the story "Love Actually" and according to Meen, she does look like the girl in the movie while singing the number.
When High 5 came out to perform, one of them played a guitar and I couldn't help getting that flicker of emotion in my tummy and warm juices in my heart. Yes, people. Among all singers and performers in the world, High 5 reminded me of how much a sucker I am with guys playing guitars! Sigh.....
Last night he called as usual and we talked. Casually, as I told him I feel fat and ugly, he asked, what is my biggest fear. For a split second there, I've no clue whatsoever answer to that. There is no one thing that I fear of right now but losing him. He rationalized my emotions of being fat and ugly to worrying too much about 'the Day', which is absolutely true, baby. I worry of uncertainties.
Don't we all, I wonder.
Anyway, as I was amazed by the ever gorgeous beauty Delta Goodrem I couldn't wait to hear Jessica Mauboy singing "All I want for Christmas is you". Can't help thinking of the story "Love Actually" and according to Meen, she does look like the girl in the movie while singing the number.
When High 5 came out to perform, one of them played a guitar and I couldn't help getting that flicker of emotion in my tummy and warm juices in my heart. Yes, people. Among all singers and performers in the world, High 5 reminded me of how much a sucker I am with guys playing guitars! Sigh.....
Last night he called as usual and we talked. Casually, as I told him I feel fat and ugly, he asked, what is my biggest fear. For a split second there, I've no clue whatsoever answer to that. There is no one thing that I fear of right now but losing him. He rationalized my emotions of being fat and ugly to worrying too much about 'the Day', which is absolutely true, baby. I worry of uncertainties.
Don't we all, I wonder.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Daddy dearest
It just hit me. Perhaps all my anxiety, worry, depression, mixed emotions came from realizing one thing that matters all my life.
*No longer a daddy's girl*
Don't get me wrong, baby. Spending my lifetime with you has always, always been playing in my mind and my dreams. Yet, still. I don't wanna be on my own. I still wanna hold on to daddy. I'm daddy's girl. I guess it'll hit me harder when the time comes for me to leave Msia and come back here with my future fiance.
I've no idea how people do it. How do you go from being a single person to having someone with you for the rest of your life? The transition is a huge step for me. It looks like an enormous gap for me to leap. I will leap, I'm sure I will. But how far do I go after that? Would I be walking straight or run? I do see him waiting for me on the other end. Yet at some parts of the journey it feels like I'll be going through it alone. Papa (as most fathers out there) has always, always wants (and he makes sure I get) the best for me. If every kid's dream in this world is to go to Disneyworld, he made sure I get to go. Not only one Disneyworld, but few disneys around the globe. If people dream of going to Paris, he made sure we (and my two brothers) get to go Paris and around Europe, not only once, but it has been 4 times. The sky is the limit with papa. Like Abg Zul once said recently, if my name's been uttered, say no more, and papa will provide.
I'm grateful for my fiance-to-be. He has been very supportive and encouraging. There's no one in the world I'd trade in to be in his shoes right now. He has been there since I was too young to even know how to wear makeup (he still teases me sometimes). He saw my flaws and listens to all my crazy thoughts. My insecurities, my worries, playing my 'what if' games (as he calls it), my smart thoughts and not-so-smart ones. He sees and listens to everything. Parts of me that I'm still ashamed of and parts that I'm proud of. He works hard for my dreams. So don't worry, papa because I believe and I trust that he will give me more if not, at par with what papa has and is giving me.
I pray a little harder now and my prayers are with you baby. God, if he is the one for me, for the rest of my life, then oh God please make my heart stronger to leave Papa's hold and to take his. Amin.
*No longer a daddy's girl*
Don't get me wrong, baby. Spending my lifetime with you has always, always been playing in my mind and my dreams. Yet, still. I don't wanna be on my own. I still wanna hold on to daddy. I'm daddy's girl. I guess it'll hit me harder when the time comes for me to leave Msia and come back here with my future fiance.
I've no idea how people do it. How do you go from being a single person to having someone with you for the rest of your life? The transition is a huge step for me. It looks like an enormous gap for me to leap. I will leap, I'm sure I will. But how far do I go after that? Would I be walking straight or run? I do see him waiting for me on the other end. Yet at some parts of the journey it feels like I'll be going through it alone. Papa (as most fathers out there) has always, always wants (and he makes sure I get) the best for me. If every kid's dream in this world is to go to Disneyworld, he made sure I get to go. Not only one Disneyworld, but few disneys around the globe. If people dream of going to Paris, he made sure we (and my two brothers) get to go Paris and around Europe, not only once, but it has been 4 times. The sky is the limit with papa. Like Abg Zul once said recently, if my name's been uttered, say no more, and papa will provide.
I'm grateful for my fiance-to-be. He has been very supportive and encouraging. There's no one in the world I'd trade in to be in his shoes right now. He has been there since I was too young to even know how to wear makeup (he still teases me sometimes). He saw my flaws and listens to all my crazy thoughts. My insecurities, my worries, playing my 'what if' games (as he calls it), my smart thoughts and not-so-smart ones. He sees and listens to everything. Parts of me that I'm still ashamed of and parts that I'm proud of. He works hard for my dreams. So don't worry, papa because I believe and I trust that he will give me more if not, at par with what papa has and is giving me.
I pray a little harder now and my prayers are with you baby. God, if he is the one for me, for the rest of my life, then oh God please make my heart stronger to leave Papa's hold and to take his. Amin.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
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