Especially, for you

If I do not want what you want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.

Or if I believe other than you, at least pause before you correct my view.

Or if my emotion is less than yours, or more, given the same circumstances, try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.

I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand me. That will come only when you are willing to give up changing me into a copy of you.

I may be your spouse, your parent, your offspring, your friend, or your colleague. If you allow me any of my own wants, or emotions, or beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself, so that some day these ways of mine might not seem so wrong, and might finally appear to you as right - for me. To put up with me is the first step to understanding me. Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you are no longer irritated or disappointed with me for my seeming waywardness. And in understanding me you might come to prize my differences from you, and, far from seeking to change me, preserve and even nurture those differences.

-Keirsey & Bates (1984)

Made my day

Guess who called today?
Jules!

She just got back from a trip and was thinking about this trip we had long ago back in 2005 and was wondering if I'd come over since she's on her hoidays. Of course!

Relief

So those busy days has ended. Now it's back to setting eyes in front of the laptop writing up client reports and working against time. Only that my time is not as rushed *lucky*

From the intense engaging with clients the past week, there's so much been found, discover, re-cover, un-cover.

I
Socialising with one person at a time, or with small intimate groups, rather than with large gatherings. Being an observer rather than an active participant. Being close to relatively few people, seeking intimacy with a few rather than acquaintanceship with many. Reserve in expressing personal feelings. Freedom from the burden of having to make small talks.

S
To prefer an approach that is realistic and practical. To enjoy dealing with things that are real and tangible, where results obtained can be seen and measured. To be more at home in situations that are firmly grounded in facts and experience, and that involve little or no theory. To feel most comfortable with action that leads to practical results. To prefer, in education at any level, applied fields which lead to directly useful accomplishments. To do things in the accepted and traditional ways. To go with facts as they are.

T
To be tough-minded: to look at things on their merits and act accordingly. To find it hard to bend, when the situation calls for gentleness. To rely on impersonal, logical approach in making decisions. To forget, in matters of personal concern, that things one truly cares about are important, logical or not. May need to be reminded to factor in what one cares about in making decisions. To be questioning and critical. To enjoy a good argument and let the chips fall where they may. To disagree inwardly much of the time without necessarily saying so.

P
To enjoy the variety of frequent changes and to want time free and uncommitted. To prefer not to cross a bridge before reaching it. To start projects without feeling a need to organise beforehand. To learn more by exploring what engages curiosity than by persistent effort. To work best at jobs requiring adaptability to handle changes, emergencies, or a variety of activities. To be casual and easy-going.

In the midst of everything else, I've also started searching for jobs.

5 months..

and still going strong =)

Got home from my session today, tired. He made us special dinner and we watched Dr. House and Medium. Could hardly open my eyes while watching Medium ends. Knocked out immediately after.

Papa

Papa selalu pesan,
"kita ni hidup biar kaya dengan ilmu"
Lately I've been thinking of papa a lot. Maybe there's something he wants to say.
Perhaps I already know what it is. I know what you want. I'll try, I promise.
Or he's just missing me too =)

Marijuana

I woke up this morning with a splitting headache. So took a long hot shower, stretched out and the next thing I knew, my headache's gone. Perhaps it was from the icy freezing wind last night.

Last night's session went more than I expected. I was supposed to have coffee with Peter last Monday but totally had forgotten about it! Didn't get to catch up with him before he left! Oh well, can't have 'em all.

After the session, he waited for me then we went for late dinner with couple of friends. I've forgotten the last time I laughed SO much! We were supposed to join Sharon at the Austral but we thought we saw her with Greg, her latest crush, there so we didn't want to bother and decided to have dinner instead. Which was delightful! Good company, always compensates the food. An hour later, while waiting for the bus to get home, Sharon called and asked if we all wanted a lift. Are you kidding? In this weather? Of course!! So she picked us all up and we asked how her night was when she goes "I saw you guys passing by, and thought you'd join us, I was with Debbie and Gia, we were just chatty and having drinks" As usual, not being able to cover my expression (luckily I sat at the back), I turned to one of us and gave each other a 'serve-you-right' smile. Who the hell did we saw back there!?

That night as we reach home, Adil and Haz talked about a situation he is in now. Haz experienced it once before with this person, last year. This is not the first time I heard about this person with regards to problems as these, my two other ex-housemates experienced with the same issue while the other warned me about this person. So we all came to the conclusion, no more being Mr/Ms Nice. Perhaps when it comes to his/her own benefit, he/she wouldn't mind even if it's at other people's loss. Ini lah dia, bila kita buat baik, dia naik pijak kepala kita.

Haz is making milo-chips-cookies (we ran out of choc chips) and I got so distracted from doing my work, that I had to go upstairs and make "Cik Mek Molek". This, I know for sure is a traditional Malay sweet dessert originally from Kelantan (as we all can understand from the name =) so I am proud to say, I made this from scratch (well, don't ask about the taste, still waiting for him to come back from work to test it =p)

It sure is funny. As soon as we close the main door last night we could hear Adil's voice asking if we've had dinner. Why? Because both of them are enjoying my last 2 pieces of focaccia bread as sandwiches while we were out! I didn't even get to taste them! =) =) So that night at midnight, I rolled up my sleeves and made another batch of the bread keeping in mind to make extras. This morning, he took 2 pieces to work. I asked, I wonder why this bread is disappearing too fast! He replied, because the herbs smells like marijuana. Huh??

Back to hit my books!

One down.. two to go!

I've finally completed my client report for CPIA today. Yippee! It's closing case this evening, can't wait to get it done and over with. At least one I'm over with.

Raelin called this morning looking for a place to park her car. She asked if we're confirmed coming to her bday party at the Tap Inn. Geez, with the amount of work I have, I dunno. Now I'm waiting for my dvd to finish writing then off for lunch/dinner with my beloved before going into session. I found this rather disturbing yet it left me with awe about an autistic girl on youtube. Getting into the minds of them. I will definitely have lots of input on it with a lot of thoughts too. There's too little time to do so at this moment so I'll leave it be for a while.

Made focaccia bread last night intending for them to be my sandwich bread (we've stopped buying bread loaf anymore, I make them instead). And guess how many is left now. 2! Can't really blame them, they are nice to eat plain. I don't get frustrated when these things happen. I should have expected them to happen. Bad judgment. But they're my sandwich bread! Intending to last me for a whole week! hehe. I love it when my bread goes missing quickly. So I guess am going to have to go buy bread now at the supermarket. Unless work gets too much for me then I'll head for the kitchen to making bread. Hmm.. I dunno. These days, even the simplest decision is hard to make.

Suc's so funny today. She who taught me what "too nice becomes fake" is. And today it's "toooo nice it gets on your nerves"!!? In the beginning, I honestly thought this girl must be mad and not to take her too seriously when she says such thing. I just simply can't relate to what it means. How do you be nice, and be fake or get annoying to other people? It just doesn't make sense to me. Thanks to my dear friend here, who taught it all. Yep, I feel like I should award you with something for warning me way, way much ealier. She's just one crazy girl. And to think we actually lived together in one room! Miss you heaps, babe! Her brother and mom is coming soon. Great!

Anthony

Yesterday after tossing and turning to get some sleep the night before, I woke up to my handphone screaming. Didn't bother to picking it up, and tried to going back to sleep but couldn't so I listened to the voice message left. It was Anthony. Alerting me that the application due date is today (yesterday) and he wants my application on his table by 5pm. Thinking to myself, what application? It can't be student guide, but if not, then what is it? I've been working as a student guide under him since 2005. It is a per semester-job so everytime the semester's coming to an end, Learning Connection releases the application forms for students to apply. Only this time, I am graduating in August hence I will no longer be a continuing student from then on therefore I cannot apply. Funny thing is, I have told Anthony I won't be working anymore and we all had had a small celebration to my last day yet he took effort to calling me early in the morning to make sure I apply again.

I tried calling him back several times and couldn't get through (not surprised) so I decided to email him instead. Groggily. Having discussed the issue with my beloved, taking in his advise and also not taking any chances, I fill out the application form halfway and took a shower while waiting for him to reply my email. Thinking to myself, it's either I'm bloody good at this job that he wants me to work with him again regardless knowing that we'd breach the rules, or he's in desperation needing people filling in the position, which would be impossible. Ever since they started giving out this student guide position, there would at least 250 students if not more, applying for the position. With only 18 positions released, it's hard to believe they are desperate wanting students to fill in. They should be able to get students in a snap of fingers, anytime.

He replied.
He forgot!
He congratulated, wished me all the best and told me to come look for him if I'm still unemployed by end of the year.

Smiling to myself, I deleted my half filled application form and went upstairs to water my plants. I remember the first time I applied for the job. It was winter, I was in my beat-up jeans and black coat. The lady before me has her hair up, perfect make-up and a light brown suit. The gentleman opposite me in tucked-in shirt, and waxy hair. The other gentleman next to me in a jumper and jeans. We talked about the places we've travelled and workplaces we've been. I remember feeling so left out looking at my clothes and was sure they wouldn't even consider looking at me. I put on a brave face and as much confidence I can when my name's being called.

All four of us got in.

We even hung out once in a while. Rachel, is still working with them and at uni completing her studies in Nursing; Chris, working at DIMIA now; Timothy, lurking around somewhere at uni (kidding!). All of us didn't need an interview anymore to get a position there, only to fill in application forms. It wasn't an easy position to get into, I must say. I remember Meen tried twice some time ago and she got through til interview point the second time then they had to turn her down due to her time clash with her practicals. I remember her saying that they could have given her different time scheduling etc etc, but I doubt they'd do that for just one person. They might as well just pick another person with the amount of applicants they get. Izmia got it and only able to work once with them - she graduated. Ti Li didn't get, and she was not happy. Kok Tong got it and we worked together once. He must be studying somewhere else now. I know he wants to do history studies, elsewhere.

Adil, Haz, him and I finally got down to some pep talk tonite. It was good talk, we haven't hung out and chat since the catering night. We're all busy with exams coming up around the corner and assignments due. Speaking of which, I need to get back to. Yikes!

*not everything in my life here is about you*

The Perfect Day

My honey is right now concentrating on doing his presentation. It's nice to see him working hard on this.

The night before, I tried to 'reward' his hard work these past few days by making his favourite meal (mok stuff) and yesterday we went out for brunch (mexican food) initially, but somehow went on til dinner (lebanese and mediterranean). And our dinner, included with some belly dancing performance =) Then we went watching live band before heading home past midnight. It was a perfect day, I must say (though my right ear is still ringing from the loud music) but I love the idea of going out without planning and ended up with things rather interestingly =)

The days are getting colder and my basil is starting to get frost bites so tonight for the first time, I brought it in. Soon all of them might be heading indoors.

Haz bought a guitar yesterday. She called us while we roam around town - asking him opinions and such. We anticipated that she'll be waiting for us to come home early yesterday and we were right. Poor girl. So today she got the whole noon to practice and seek advise from him while I whisk around to another attempt at making Melon-pan. The bread dough didn't rise when proved but surprisingly, the outcome was not as bad as I imagined. Interesting. Perhaps it's not suppose to rise as like making bread. I'll email the owner of the recipe.

He finally agreed to join us in July! I'm ecstatic. Thank you baby. I truly am.

English Muffins.. mmm

We bought another 5kgs of bread flour the other day. Yes, people. I have successfully finished our first 5 kilos in almost 2 months time. With those I had made various "pau"s, pita bread, red beans filled doughnuts (twice!), focaccia bread, herb and feta pull-apart, fougasse, plain white loaf sandwich bread (also twice), melon pan, brioches, scottish butteries, cheese buns, herb buns, potato bread, burger buns, cinnamon buns, and nutty scrolls (for pictures of my humble baking outcomes, please refer to my fotopages, thank you :)) That's a lot of baking for almost 2 months though I haven't been able to take pictures of them all (they seem to be disappearing very quickly from the kitchen bench!)

Tonight my beloved fiance is working on drafting his proposal and intends to stay up til 4am and since everyone's asleep (i think adil n haz are still awake but they won't be 'invading' the kitchen at this ungodly hour) so I happily venture my way to the kitchen and try my hands on making English Muffins! Remember those yummy breakfast McMuffins with egg and sausage inside available at McDonalds only til 11am? I used to hate the fact it's only available for mornings. It's hard when you're not a morning person as I am those days. And am loving those muffins!

I've been intending to make them for quite some time. Oh and I forgot to mention, I still haven't opened our new bread flour. I used leftovers from the last just enough to make six of them. We can add this one to the list above.

While waiting for my muffins to prove, I thought I'd blog for a bit. When kneading, a thought came through. I'm beginning to notice the people I cannot stand be with. Strange enough, but they seem to be the ones whom happen to hurt my friends, more than annoying me. First case, an acquaintance (shall i now say), got on my nerves for quite a bit for an extended period of time. I still managed a smile or grin when she came around (it sure doesn't help moving in together) and laugh a bit here and there with her (though there are people noticing how hard it was for me to keep on pretending). Sad, when we were really close for a while; before I get to know her a bit more than I would want to. Until I saw what she does, said mostly about my friends that got me realizing, I wouldn't want to know her at all. I thought I'd write her name up here since there's absolutely below zero percent possibility she'd be reading my blog but I won't take any chances. Would be incredibly stupid of me.

Like my English Muffins..? =)

Cut them in half, top them with sausage and egg with a bit of chilli sauce, and there you have a fresh, simple homemade McMuffin!

Second case, this girl I knew back in high school. Well we were not in school together but to cut long story short, we became good friends till she got all weird and jealous (i wouldn't say of what, it's irrelevant but i'm sure you can figure out) that she started making extreme remarks about them. As if that's not enough, she'd start doing things that I would categorize as 'shameful'. Third case, was my ex-bf long ago in early high school years. Later I realize he is an excellent manipulator. Fourth case, well.. you get the drift.

All in all, I can honestly say that I am person with high tolerance to people's behaviour (well, that explains my line of work then, eh). I can handle confrontation and frankly, I quite like confrontation. Contrary to most people I know, I think with confrontation gives me and the other a chance and space to express how/what they think/feel, and for me to deliver what I think/feel. Then leaving the issue behind. I respect your decision, and I'd do what you wish, but also, I expect you to respect mine. I know from experience, when I'm unhappy with people, I can bombard and vent out about the issue once to someone (i believe you would know who usually gets this, that's why i love him so much.. kidding!) or to the person I have issue with. Once again, I feel it's a waste of my time and energy to be bothered about it again. Which I believe is good especially when it reduces chances of me bitching/talking bad about them to others. Not saying I never bitch, I am no saint nor am I perfect and you know that well.

i miss jules. we used to talk about these things. exploring the "who" we are. she is a rare species. she can read my mind like a diary. i wonder if she knows this.

It's starting to rain again and I'm done with my muffins. Excellent time to snuggle under the covers. I've enough thoughts for the day. My brain's slowly shutting down. G'nite people or shall I say, g'morning.

Droplets

It wasn't easy to wake up this morning. Has been raining since forever. Twice I walked out of the door this week and find myself dripping water by the time I reach uni. I've been trying hard to discipline myself, go uni and get some work done. But this morning is even worse, I can't even get my eyes open. The only thing that made me jump is the sound of his phone vibrating. He forgot his phone! So I came online to see his email on my inbox telling me so.

I've to go out today, post some cds then work on my client report. Before so, I went upstairs and made 'apam balik', pack them up and off to uni.

Somewhere in between apam balik making and bundling up before leaving the house, a thought came up.

"Who said, student overseas tak pandai masak masakan traditional?"

Not to say apam balik is our traditional food (or is it?) Pardon my lack of knowledge there. When I heard/read that, it made me ponder on the perception of our people to students studying overseas. If it were to be one of the locals here whom goes to overseas universities, studying; they would have been so proud of their people and further encourage their own people. Would they have been so caught up in the thought of criticizing them on something like that?

Once not long ago I saw trees along the streets at some residential area being decorated by the people there. Curiously, I asked around and finally learned that the tree doesn't belong to anyone, but the people took the initiative to decorate them accordingly to their seasons. It doesn't matter to them who does it, or whose items are on it, or whose money goes on to decorating it. To them, those who cared that much of thought, would've been considered selfish, inconsiderate, rude and greedy. I've heard people say, orang melayu susah nak maju sebab banyak perasaan dengki dengan orang lain, tamak nak cepat kaya, tak boleh buat lebih sikit dari orang lain, etc etc.. And I didn't know how to believe it. I didn't even give much thought to it and I haven't seen it happen in front of my eyes.

So few days ago, I just realized, it does happen a lot around me. I just didn't pick them. And now I wonder if others realize them and/or choose to ignore them?

Weapons

Geez it's such HUGE relief to finally know it's not due on 11th. Just got the word few seconds ago and now I'm blogging instead of going absolutely mental with my research and client report.

I wonder what happen to those people I knew back when I was young. Those smart-head, all perfect, big shot people in school where every teacher adores and friends admire for their intelligence, hard-working and shining results. Then I found some of them. Actually, one of them to be exact. She seemed to be doing all right.

Or so I thought.

I thought she would have gone off being "someone", somewhere. And perhaps turn out to be very successful with a great job. Honestly, I do. Mind you, this person had called me "stupid" right in my face once, and actually meaning it. "Lembu pun lagi pandai". I remember. Deeply. I also remember thinking, at that time, that someday when we're adults, I would like to see where she lands on. With admiration, not resentment. And now I got my answer.

Our path crossed some time ago. Few years back when I saw her and we spoke. Asking how things are and turned out to be. She's still with the guy that to her, I was the reason they met and feel in love (funny). No, not married. That was the only time we met/communicate. Ashamed? I don't know. Busy? I'd like to think so.

Now our path crossed again but in a different way. Her sister is so big now. No indication she's with that guy anymore. I wonder if she remembers the things we did together. She's running away again, I can tell. A nice person we all agree. But very sad.

I do care.
We share the same star sign. I went to her house once and we played make up/dress up together. I don't want to remember anymore the bad things we did to each other. I wonder if she needs help. I wonder if she wants to talk to someone. She seems to be on the edge, waiting to fall down.

I was angry for a while, I know. Making me think that my future is not worth knowing. I am not the brightest kid in school. Nor was I the one with excellent performance. There's NO WAY I'd be like them. They'd probably turn out to be doctors, lawyers, engineers. Get into universities and live to be rich, successful people. How wrong was I? Talk about false hope. Sighh..

But I still do mean about wishing her well. And for her to open up and be true to herself. I wish she will wake up and get back on track again. Potential, heaps. It shone brightly long time ago. I wish she'll get that back again someday.

I wish her a lot of things. Only good things.

Ordinary Day

Few days ago, he went almost bald. He looked exactly how he does now when we met for the second time 6 years ago. He was in his white with one black spotted (don't ask) car, wearing his shades while I get into the car and he drove off with his music blaring and the strong scent of Glade car fragrant.

i can still smell that car fragrant..

He's on his way to finishing up his proposal so he's been up at un-Godly hours to get it done. Adil and Haz seems busy warming up their laptops to doing assignments and books nearing final exams. As for me, it's my final semester. FINAL! Then I'm done (we'll talk about PhD's later, ok. Let me enjoy lil bit here)! This is it. The final. I hope I do myself, if not others proud.

Not that it's confirmed, but I do think quite fair bit about continuing on. Papa is all for it. If I do decide to continue on, it'll be all for you. I must admit, it is flattering to get the title but most of all, it's about making them proud. My education level, is all about them. I decided long time ago that I study to see how far I can push/get myself into being educated. Now, today, I'm already impressed I got this far. If I'm to go further, I'll be doing it to make my parents the proudest people on earth. They deserve it and much much more. To play favourites, especially papa.

Today I just realized my client report, research critique and assignment is due much sooner than expected. My printer's back home and not intending to get back any soon, I headed to uni printing out without any cost! The psychology post-grad lab allows post graduates access to internet and free printing so hallelujah! Oh it just goes to show how much time I spend in uni, eh? Now with close to 3 inches (and more coming) stack of research reports and notes to read, am in no position to move anywhere outside the university or the village compound. We have made a pact not to go out as much anymore and making this weeked our last outing weekend. Now it's time to increase my focus, hold on a bit longer and not to get distracted.

With that said, gotta now hit the books!

She's just a bitter, lonely person..

so why bother?

Couldn't have said it better. Maybe you're right baby.. just maybe, you are.

Which makes her such a sad person then. And now she's "running away", not just that, she's also giving out many reasons to show and tell, covering up how sad her life has been these past few weeks by masking up telling the whole world how "happy" she is running away. While perhaps reasoning and rationalizing her reasons too much it's beginning to sound like a cop-out.

But I still do care to some extent and that's why I did my part.. now let's see how much she does.

Hence, I wish her well, and for her to someday open her heart, eyes and perhaps brains as well to not only be honest to herself with her words, but also with her actions.

honestly.. how much dense can you get? sigh.. and we wonder how such a beautiful girl not able to hold a relationship? it's not only about the looks, it's also about the attitude and THAT has to be acknowledged! geez..

Like someone once said, too nice it makes her look so fake.

Changing Directions

Adik called tonite. After a rather long time (with him busy preparing for SPM and boarding school), we managed to talk. It was some talk.

It's a thought that he seemed to be turning to me seeking advises and opinions with regards to studies and future decision-making. He looks up to him, that I know for sure. To him, he is an intellectual, very intelligent and successful person and he wants to be like him. I know he has a lot of respect for him. Personally, I can understand the way he feels of him (well, because I think he is too). However, I wonder if he thinks the same way of me? And I wonder why.

Adik aspires to be a doctor since he begun to talk. Honestly, I can even see him as one and nothing else. And he follows the right path. He even got into a science school. Now, a little over 6 months before SPM, he change his mind. He got frustrated with mama one day not long ago when she was on his back about not studying enough. He left dinner early and went to his room, as I followed 10 steps behind him. That was the first time I heard him saying, "Kalau tak jadi doctor, tak boleh ke, kak?" I struggle hard not to sound like a counsellor but more of a sister/friend. Being a 'high explorer' to myself (Noela would've been so proud) is not enough and that nagging curiousity of the 'spin' got me thinking, where did it all went wrong?

So tonight he called, spilling out his thoughts and ideas. Trying to rationalize his actions and decisions. Somewhere between the lines, I reflected on the steps I took. We both actually had aspired to be doctors and he knows it. Only I changed my direction (and got lost many times) way much earlier than him. I suppose when I changed my 'gear' and went into Psychology; at his tender age, he would have seen me as a "quit-er" and thought that I'll fail in my journey. Because I did not follow the 'rules' of wanting something and sticking to it. The 'rules' that perhaps we both invented or was buried into us from our parents, without us realizing it - a very, very long time ago.

Perhaps the fact that I have reached this far, had me redeem myself from being a "quit-er". Who ever said it is wrong to make mistakes? To steer away from our 'focus' may mean we can never get it back? Perhaps we need to steer once in a while. Asking what "we" want rather than "why" we want it. As much as parents not living for their children, children don't live for their parents either. Yes, it would be the noble thing to do. Living for one another. Didn't someone wise said, human beings are selfish? We do try hard not to be.

I believe there are no self-less good deed.
Phoebe was right all along.

As for Adik, you can be what you want/choose to be. Just make that decision yours and yours alone. Make it so if it doesn't work out, it was your decision and you'll find you've no regrets.

We live as we create them to be.

Aha!

Yesterday I'm done with my patient, not to say he/she's completely "cured" (you don't get "cured" immediately unless you want so), but if in accordance to the Karkoff's model, we've gone through exploration and understanding mode and that's just where all the hard work ends, for me that is. For him/her, it's the action phase that'll hurt. Patient may relapse but that's something that we'll worry later on. As for tonight we're going out to celebrate! Well, actually me and him, we've already done some celebration last night, just the both of us. But it's Friday night tonight and we've made reservations.

For those who knew me considerably, they may (or not) know that I don't get bothered by things/people easily. You do your things, I do mine. You don't touch me, and I don't touch you. If I don't (or choose not to) join you, then I don't bother. Tempt me as you wish, if I get tempted, I'll go, if not, I won't. I find a lot of things a waste of time. My time, that is.

I suppose with my level of work/profession, it is easy to find that doing/worrying certain things is a waste of time.

Sitting on a session with a client of my colleague got me back to thinking, other people has other problems too. Every problem to a certain degree, holds to having the same concept of ideas/issues. The one that varies them are the intensity of humans accepting, handling and acknowledging them.

I value life. When there's life, there's hope. They say stop and smell the roses, I believe it is necessary. I believe to tasting every bit of everything. You'll never know what you like or don't like. I believe I've lived my life (so far) to the fullest. I believe I've had everything. I am thankful from the bad to the worst experiences I gained, the bitter I tasted and the irony of everything else. To me, I have had fame. I've been people's inspiration, I've been their dream. I've been all that and more. From my life experiences, I've touched the sky and I've been in the sky for long. I've gone up and I've gone down. I've seen people die, I've held their hands. I've crushed hopes and hearts. I've let many down. I've been to many places and stepped on many countries. I've made marks on many land.

From my life, I have been at the top for so long, I need to step down. Thank you baby for who you are, places you've been, ideas you've generate, thoughts you've shared. You've certainly made a better person of me.

In your own story.

All in One

So it's been a while. Nice to see you here.

As obvious, I was going full-on with things around me that I've not update my blog for a while. Let's see.. since last was the melon pan incident, man I can't even recall when that was and what had happened to the melon pan. Aida was around that night with her new hair-do. And that was early in the month!

Haywire.
I love chinese food. My mother, a Malay from Kelantan and my father, a Malay from Pahang but looks very chinese. In fact, most of his 13 siblings look chinese. If I remember correctly, arwah Tok (my father's stepmother) has a very kind, gentle chinese look. I don't know my real grandmother from Papa's side. She passed away when they were all young. Arwah Tokki (Papa's father) took care of all his 13 children til they are all big and independent before re-marrying. Very admirable.

I'm not sure where my preference to chinese food comes from. My taste bud must've gone mad somewhere through life experiences. Maybe I'm adopted? Nah, thought and researched on that one in primary school years. I am not adopted. Then I remember my mother's mom. Never met her. But according to Mama, she loves chinese food. She loves cooking too.

I have spoken too early.
Adil, Haz, him and I did catering service for JPA students on Monday night. It was tiring and I swore not to do this again while we were waiting for our transport. An hour later I changed my mind. Once seeing how the food goes and feedback given, the satisfaction is incredible. It's almost the same feeling felt after organizing Makcha's wedding reception. I couldn't care how much profit I get at this point of time. It was satisfying.

We went buying things on Friday night and preparing from then on. I'd have to say, if catering is fully my responsibility and in my hands from the beginning, I would have been more dedicated to it. Oh no, don't get me wrong. Everything is a success. Perhaps I was relying and expecting a bit more to it. He puts it well, if I were to do this again, I'll give this experience one more look and prepare myself further. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Mikey's dinner.
Sunday morning we woke up and he had this sudden craving for sweet indulgence. So we headed for Pancake House. Russion Blitz, I shall never look at pancakes the same way again. In the midst of enjoying our brunch, the phone went off singing an SMS notification. So I read, it said, "Hey Miza, how you going? Any chance you're in Adelaide? Doing anything this evening?" Mind you, I haven't seen Mike since last year after our gathering/clubbing night out before me leaving to Swiss and have certainly deleted his number from my cell (sorry mikey..) hence for the next few minutes I riddled with him who would've SMS with that note.

We gave the Botanics a visit and he made me promise to have brunch in the botanics one day and oh yes, a picnic there as well. We will, baby.. someday we will. After that long walk, we headed to Lemongrass for dinner with Mikey and the gang then back home to prepare our catering food.

Couns Session Block 2
I've certainly have a lighter case patient this time. Now hang on, I don't mean to say weight issue is light but my patient certainly is not in crisis/trauma/suicidal. Hence, the case is not as intense and research can be put to a minimal (since I've handled one before). Nevertheless, each case is not the same.

Noela once again blew my mind with her skills and knowledge. If I spend another 3 hours with her, I swore I would have no skeletons in my closet anymore. I will make sure to remember her for as long I live.

Noela Maletz is a counsellor in private practice. She sees mainly adult clients, often works with couples and occasionally works with adolescents and parents. Noela works with a client
centered approach using the 3 phase model and has completed training in
Psychosynthesis. Noela has been counselling for 17 years and has been
teaching in the couselling post graduate program at the university for 4
years.

Noela has been a registered secondary teacher for over 30 years
(teaching English, Painting, Creative Writing) and has worked in a broad
range of setting, teaching at secondary, adult and tertiary levels. She currrently teaches Critical Thinking and Communication in the School of Electrical Engineering at Adelaide University, at
undergraduate and post graduate levels.

She surely is a true inspiration as my supervisor. Not to forget Thomas (or shall I say Dr. Thomas now) last year when I was still struggling analytically and getting words out. One day when I become a psychiatrist/psychologist/counsellor (insyallah), I will count on these people to reflect on my days of learning. They are in my book in this journey to becoming "somebody".

Speaking of reflection, a good friend whom has successfully completed medical school very recently wrote about people and intelligence. We are in the bubble of belief that med students are the top most brilliant intelligent students in the world but in fact they are not. To his belief, that is. Those top achievers in medicine do well not because they have the intellingence of rocket scientists, but because they are hardworking and read a lot. Medicine does not require great intelligence in comparison to engineering, mathematicians and physicians.

I believe so too.

People
Once again recently I've come across people with lots of drama in their life. I find that a lot in Malays especially, and in general. I wonder if this is a creation to spice up their lives or a cover up to heighten their self-esteem (to feel superior). I wonder if people really reflect on themselves and look at what they have achieved instead of what they don't have. I wonder what they are actually thinking. Perhaps they just have too much time in their hands that they're not sure how to make full use of them. Well, personally, I've too much on my plate with my patients. Maybe next time.

I ran away from it all. And here I'm not going to go back to those people again.

Gardening/Baking/Cooking
This is my therapeutic stress-relief. Our 5kg bread flour has probably around 2 cups left and we're totally out of yeast. Last night as requested, was Scottish Butteries. I love it. He doesn't. She does. I don't know about the other.

There's one flower on my chilli plant. New foliage are growing on the tomato plant and basil looks great. Garden is fine.

Future Plans
Saving up for a trip.
Study better.
Spend more valuable time with him.
Call home.

2 more weeks before Block 2 is due, full-on 8-5pm practicals a week later, weekend pracs the following week, and research papers both due end of the month. Hell, June's not the time I'm looking forward to.

4 months and going..

Yep. 4 months.

Went to another one of his favourite places.

Melon Pan frustration

The bread is in the oven now actually. Somehow everything is going against me (baking-wise). Well let me say that the bread dough would have been my fault. The original recipe calls for 180 bread flour and 20 cake flour. Since I've no cake flour, I made it them all with bread flour. Recipe also calls for mixing the yolks together with the yeast mixture and let it rest til bubbly but somehow it just doesn't seem to want to bubble!! It's SO bloody annoying. I'm not sure where I went wrong but the dough just doesn't rise. No matter how long I proof it, it just stayed there. Idiot. Then making the cookie dough, I've mistakenly put in a whole egg instead of 30g of it. This one I really can't blame anyone but myself. Slowly the confidence is decreasing and almost to the giving-up mode. Sigh.

Bought a thyme plant today. Learnt my lesson. Buy the one that actually has grown a bit so I can access to it easily. Better get back to my melon pan.