Storm

This is going to be "interesting".

I've so much in my mind. So much that I feel if I don't vent out to someone soon, I'm sure it'll consume me and eat me alive. I'm sick and tired of people telling me what to do and what not to do. The arrival of baby should be something I look forward to. And I do. God, I cannot wait to hold her. It's the other part of the story that's killing me.

I don't want to believe he'll leave me for not doing what she wants me to. I refuse to. She always uses that to defend and make me do what she wants me to do. Manipulative, yes. Sad. I always get the blues when these things happen. I feel un-supported. Yet, I don't want to offend.

Remind me this when it's your time, baby.

Life Fulfillments

I'm curious to know how the pain of giving birth feels like.

Every woman describes and experiences it differently. I hope mine would run smooth. I know it may sound strange. But today while having lunch, a very wrinkled and old lady (maybe in her 80's) with her old seat-type-crutch sat next table to us alone. For reasons I may not be able to explain, I thought to myself, if I didn't get to feel the joy of being married.. and the pain delivering my own children at least once, I've not experienced and lived a fulfilling life. A very sad old hag I'd be when I'm as old as that woman next to us. After all, they say your happiest day is your wedding day and childbirth is the most excruciating pain. For now, alhamdulillah, I'm about to satisfy both my life-fulfillment needs. So yeah I am curious to find out what all this childbirth pain people all over the world are jibber-jabbering about. And now labour pains.. bring it on before I call in the drugs! =)

Transition

Are you kidding me?

I am afraid.
Well maybe not afraid afraid..
Perhaps more of overwhelmed..

Playing the 'what if' game in my mind.
What if I cannot handle it.
What if I'm a bad mother.
What if I drop her.
What if everything's my fault?

It'll never end.

So I'll take it a step at a time.
I wish we'll have a good relationship.
Well.. don't everyone..?
I wish we'll have a healthy relationship.

I promise to do my best with what I have available at the moment in time.
That's all I can hope for.

V-Day

Rise and Shine
Happy Valentine's Day!

Quarter-Life Crisis

Its when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. You want to settle down for good because now all of a sudden that becomes top priority.

Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You begin to think a companion for life is better than a hundred in the shack and for once you would not mind standing tall for that special someone which otherwise you had never thought of until now.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that every one reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Send this to your twenty-something friends.... maybe it will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion...

We call it the "Quarter-life Crisis"

With permission from Kak Mas (whom took it from someone else whom took it from someone else) - you get the drift.

Best Times

i am at the best times in my life
how could i not be?
just married and a soon-to-be mommy
if thunder comes and sweeps away
i'll always remember
i had the best times in my life
an no one is able to take that away from me
=)

Sweet Revenge

Last night was our 8th month wedding anniversary and quite shamefully to say, the first time I remembered. So this is what I made as a special treat for us after dinner. Pistachio Souffles.



Of course Koda was not allowed to have some because firstly, she's a cat. Secondly, our monthly wedding anniversary has nothing to do with her. She wasn't even with us yet when we got married. If it were Mowkie, maybe. She was with us throughout the whole ordeal even slept with us in our bedroom.

And she hates feeling left out.
So this is what we discovered this morning.



My pistachio souffle recipe! Dumped into her water bowl! Aghh!!

Buttery Baking Series

As promised, here are the photos of my Shortbread Cookies. I'm too lazy to write up another entry to this blog, so I've quoted the entry I wrote on my baby blog here.

Haa.. When the temperature shoots up, and nothing much to do indoors, I start to scamper around the kitchen searching for a reason to bake and cook!

There's the roti jala and curry series - which didn't make the mark to snap photos of - and a pound cake! In all honesty, I was looking for my long bought pistachios to make the long overdue pistachio souffles. Couldn't find them anywhere! Til my cake was rising in the oven, I found those pistachios hiding on the side of our shelf. Ugh geram nya! Anyway, here's the absolutely rich, dense, moist pound cake. Easy ingredients. It's too hot to bother going out and buy anything.


The batter - luscious texture


Ready to go into the oven!


Very pleased. Dense and moist.
The top has a thin crust to it and oh so lovely. Notice those little black dots in the cake? That's from the vanilla bean paste we bought when the family was around. Thought of doing some baking while they're here but not a chance! Mama conquers the kitchen with her yummy-licious cooking!

And these were made the night before. Shortbread Cookies!
Again, easy ingredients and dreamy.


Before baking.


Into the cookie jar! Quick!


YUM!

Ahh.. the joy of baking =)
Very satisfying.

Welcoming Summer 2009

The heat is on!
A scorching 41 degrees today and I don't like it.

With such weather, no one's allowed to go out today. Not even Koda. I've prepared some frozen ice water in bottles in the freezer and cut watermelons in the fridge to cool off during the day. Thought of making something that I can chuck into the oven but hubs mentioned beef curry so it's roti jala time! Mama brought a roti jala cone from home and has yet to try them on.

Yesterday he mentioned there's no cookies in the house. He googled and found a simple shortbread cookies recipe and I followed it. It's ever-easy, not too sweet and makes 20-30 cookies. Melts in the mouth, takes less than a quarter of the day to prepare and bake. Easy-peasy. Perfect for this preggie lady. Trick is - best quality butter you can ever find and vanilla beans. YUM! I've pictures and will share soon.

This blog has been neglected for a long while. With a baby coming along, I've decided to focus my attention on him/her. And write down as many thoughts, physical changes and note every detail I can for the baby blog. 25 weeks into the pregnancy world and already the discomfort settles in. While many ladies out there talks about morning sickness, I'd have to say that's the least experience I had to encounter. My biggest concern was my backpains. Horrible. If I were to fall preggie once again, remind me to be prepared of the backpains. Then again, each pregnancies are different. We'll just wait and see.

Well, off to making some yummy roti jala and beef curry!

Resolution

2.0.0.9
1. lose most of these baby-weight (g'luck!)
2. eat healthily (especially while breast-feeding)
3. not to forget my role as a wife, especially after the baby arrives
4. take vitamins
5. find baby food recipes
6. walk more, car less
7. call home more often
8. love more, think less
9. sell those no longer worn clothes on e-bay
10. take health-care more seriously

It's said this year's summer is the coldest in 17 years. And I LOVE it!
So on NYE we headed off to watch the fireworks. Only to be disappointed with people's rave in front of The Grand. Certainly not a place for this heavy mom-to-be. This year has the worst case of arrest and I'm not surprised.

Hopefully next year we'll be able to find a better spot and bring the little one along for his/her first firework watch =)

Another year ends, to another year begins

*Babymoon*

Yes, we are expecting =)
I am 23 weeks along, with a baby bump, gaining close to 10 kgs and been stuffing my face with food every few hours.



That would be approximately very close to midnight with a kebab and coffee in hand hehhe



Right before confirming my pregnancy with Dr. Frearson, my GP-before changing to Dr. Chandler, an ob. Look closely at the clock on the wall, our appointment was at 11am. Was very nervous. I had only taken a take-home pregnancy test kit 2 days before and it had 2 blue lines. Seeing how nervous I was, darling hubby took me out for breakfast before the appointment.


*this was taken right after the positive home-preggie test*

So I am now gaining and gaining and gaining weight. I'm already at a weight I've never been on before and curious to see what's my maximum by the end of it. I'm also crossing fingers I'd be able to shed off most of it.

Baby's been kicking about since 16 weeks. S/he loves to kick about and now I can actually see my belly moves to his/her beat. Few days ago s/he had the hiccups.

I've also created a baby blog. It's a blog for all our future kids and also for my own keepsake.

As the big 2.0.0.8 ending very, very soon, I'd like to recap the year before 2.0.0.9 arrives:
1. Moved into a lovely new house
2. Marry the man I fell in love with for 6 years
3. Be the wife of the same man
4. Went on a honeymoon
5. Conceived for the first time
6. Worked and left the company
7. Road trips and travelling just the two of us
8. The addition of Koda to our small family
9. Discovered how much similar Koda is preparing us to parenting!
10. Learning so much about babies and pregnancies than I'd ever learnt anything through school!
11. Saw a hearbeat that is not mine in me!!
12. Finding out nausea and hunger can appear at the same time
13. Thought I'd know everything I'm supposed to know about pregnancy only a hell lot more!!
14. Backpains! Backpains! Backpains!
15. Diagnosed with a blood condition
16. Learnt what reflux is all about!
17. Looked at my own uterus accepting my pregnancy
18. Looked at a foetus at 7 weeks old
19. Gained weight more than I've ever had in my life!
20. Constipation, constipation, constipation
21. Saw a heartbeat that is not mine in me!!
22. and discovered the possibility of being or walking alone but not feel alone =)

Though the new year hasn't even begun yet, I just know 2009 has big plans installed for us. Surprises and challenges awaits!

A be-earlied Happy 2009, everyone!

Merry Christmas!

This was unshamefully taken from bugbites
Yan, i hope you don't mind =p

I love being married.
He didn't promise a large, wealthy life.
Nor did he ever promise an easy one either.
What I see is what I get.
Nothing has changed, thankfully.
He is still he and I am still me.
Except now I am a wife.
I am his wife.
And everyday seems to get better and better because of it.

Updates

Phew~
It's that time of the year yet again.

I am now recuperating. The whole fam was over for 2 weeks or so and our days were filled with their company. During their stay we managed to go on a road trip to Melbourne and the Great Ocean Road, then to Gold Coast before they left back to Msia. We stayed an extra 2 days after sending them off to enjoy the awesome beach and some precious time together. Now we're back home and everything's back to normal. Though I must admit, I've started packing a little and getting ready for another short 'getaway' (or adventure/experience) =p

Now that we're back home, Christmas is less than a week! Boy, time flies! Christmas deco are all up and people are busy shopping around for last minute gifts. It all looks pretty exciting!

I think Little Miss Koda is still a little nervous when we get ready to go out. She's been left home alone with a dear friend coming to visit every other day to fill her bowls while we were out. The whole fam just loves her to bits. Even Mama!

I've pictures to update and more things to blog but for now, my back hurts. Ouch!

A Tribute

*Imad in dark blue*
1990 - 2008

Last night Mama called with the news. It was shocking but expected kinda way. He's been battling heart problems ever since we knew him. A very intelligent engineering major young man, straight A student and more like a family to us. More than often he came for sleepovers and join family activities. First time I knew him we were at Nando's with my mom and brother having lunch. Shy boy but quickly overcame it. He came few days early to our wedding to help with preparations and was very diligent.

*Imad in white*
May 26th, 2008

He was playing football yesterday afternoon and was at his university campus. After the game, he went to his room and collapsed. They took him to the hospital and he passed away at around 8pm or 9pm (Msian time). The last time we met him was at the airport. He had came to see us off to GC for our honeymoon and back to Aust.

Yassin and Al-Fatihah to Imaduddin.
May he be placed among the best.

Oh Dear..

It sure has been very long! My darling little girl Koda has been up to some very mischievious things lately. And she's turned more vocal than before! This morning she was playing with blinds again and somehow got caught in it. So I assume with her weight, it broke. Luckily I'm married to an engineer whom loves to fix things. This morning he jumped up on my then crawled onto hubby and mew in his ear. Suppose she's trying to tell him she did something wrong. He inspected the blinds while she sat watching and made up a guilty face. Yeah, right. Never fall for it. Last night she was lying around so I came over and asked if she's depressed. Hubs said "don't fall for it!"

I've been playing in my mind the times when my family comes down. It'll be our first family get-together since we left after our wedding. Now that I've my own nuclear little family, I'm missing my extended family even more. Unlike being single, I've always insist in making my own decisions, set my own goals and turn to friends for advice and support. I'm not your typical girl whose close to her family and get along with her mom. Now for me, those days are certainly over. And it had started to change rather dramatically during those "trying" times leading up to our wedding. Almost felt like I'm in a different dimension. Suddenly I feel like I'm daddy's little girl and everyone takes care of me. Now I call Mama for advice, Papa sms weekly asking how I'm doing and to refer to him when in doubt or in need, I call Abg and Adik randomly when they're in college. Kak Long emails more often, cousins asking or sms-ing how I'm doing etc. They're all concern about darling hubby and asking how we're doing almost weekly. When all these while I had thought that when I'm married, we'll be further apart. Interestingly it brought us closer, eh? One of the wonders of life.

I never know how to answer honestly when people asks "so how's married life treating you?" Do you want me to detail everything or would you rather a simple answer. So I'd usually respond with "okay" Which often feels more than okay to me. Of course we've our ups and downs, lows and highs. We're not living in a fairy tale land here. And when I entered married life, I didn't enter it with a happily-ever-after mindset either. I don't even expect to be happy all the time. And I'm glad I'm not. But most of the time, I am. As cliche this may sound to you, I'd rather be no where else right now than here. I'm not even curious what my life would've been like. I suppose the correct answer would've been it's different. There's ups and downs but there's always us. Unlike single life, it's either I'm alone or with understanding friends. Especially when we're so far away from our families. I suppose the distance from our immediate families just brought us even closer to each other. But it's definitely more than and okay.

As usual, since the last I blogged there had been so many changes and happenings. But we're still the same =) Oh we've been Scrabble addicts recently. But always with a dictionary or the cheat-o-matic website in hand to check our opponent's words really exists. Trust me, you'd want it in handy especially when you play with darling hubby hehhe!!

My Little Tiger

This morning it was Koda's routine. Get her bowl filled, drink, go outside for potty and jumped into bed with me. Rather, to annoy me. Now that darling hubby's so busy with his work, she seems to be asking more attention from me. Last night she mew to announce she caught a small moth. Played with it and ate it. Eww! I still have trouble comprehending that cats eat those stuff. This morning she brought in an acorn and played football with it noisily. She even brought it to the bedroom to announce it. Gosh. My little tiger.

I had forgotten our monthly anniversary. We went to the market and darling hubby suggested dinner at a new Szechuan Chinese Restaurant in town. Love the ambience. Simply love it when out of the blue he takes me out to eat. Then some gelatos and coffee for dessert.

I had planned to write more but am getting distracted at something I think I might 'need'. hehee!

Updates

Darling hubby's been rather boring these few days. He's engrossed in his work especially now that he's only few months left. So yesterday I got up seeing him asleep on the sofa as usual after a long night's work. Get dressed and decided to give my hairdresser a visit. Absolutely love her. She's Korean and as most of them are, they're very into fashion and styles and take great interest in them too. Though they're nothing comparing to Europeans, I don't mind Koreans at all. And I love the fact she does my hair exactly how I want it to be. Good. A bonus when it's only 5 minutes from home. Only thing is that they're always busy so I can't do drop-ins like with mine back in Msia. Bummer.

Now with a nice blow and healthy feel to my hair, I can't possibly head home can I? So took a detour to Dymocks and Angus n Robertsons, browsed and gave a read through some books. Thought of doing some groceries but left my list at home. So just went through those yummy delicacies and gourmet items. That's what I love about Burside Village. Everything is there. Only I had to make 3 rounds to get a decent parking spot at lunch time. That's gotta be better than parking in BSC or Pavillion, I thought. Lunchtime or not, it's always full!

Head home it's already 3pm and darling hubby just woke up. He gets ready and we head out for an yummy, huge, early dinner at Spargo's. Must be brunch for him. Then as we browsed through the mall after a heavy meal, I spotted something really nice at Colorado. Half an hour later we both ended up with a pair of shoes each!! Yay!

Koda has ventured outside the house area now. To parking lots and beyond. So long she doesn't get into Sylvia's way, I just hope they don't fight.

The Attempt to Sleep-in

I was loving my night's sleep since darling hubby was up the whole night writing his thesis while the rather comfortable me conquers the whole bed to herself! Yes of course my heart goes all out to darling hubby up all night working away, and yes I do miss that hubby-warmth and soundly snores! But I've to admit, I enjoyed last night's sleep.

Now as much as I was enjoying it, I thought I'd sleep un-disturbed when at 5am in the morning, a 3 kgs bundle of dense furball jumped on the bed and made herway straight onto my tummy. Gets herself comfortable and slumped herself half on my belly and the pillow next to me. I thought to myself half sleepily, fine. Sleep. Few minutes later, she starts purring ever so loudly! Somewhere between 5.30am to 6am I stirred in my sleep and she's gone. Only to jump back on few minutes later so I cried out to darling hubby and he peered through the door. I turned to my side thinking to myself she might not want to get on me this time! But she came around and slumped on the pillow I was hugging onto instead! Third time round, it's already 7am. She let out a mew and I stroked her saying, "you're not gonna let me sleep, are you?" and she purred. I called out for hubby and asked him what she wants, is her bowl full or the back door open for potty. He filled her bowl and she followed him. So I hit the sack at a final attempt of having few more seconds to myself.

Just under 2 minutes, she's back on the bed nudging both my hands for a stroke/rub. So I let her sleep and stroked her. As soon as the purring stopped, I made a silent attempt to leave the bed and make breakfast. And guess what, she wakes up! Walks around the house and playing! Goodness!!

I made berries pancakes for two and end up eating mine all by myself. Darling hubby's too engrossed in his work to eat. I think he's motor's running and he'd rather not stop or else it's hard to get started again. So I let him be.

Then my next attempt to just be in bed catch up on some light readings didn't go undisturbed either. Koda jumped and joined me. She's either curled up next to me or on my belly while I finish reading. She's one of a character there. One bloody of a character!

Come mid-noon I went to the kitchen only to find there's still breakfast for him on the table, untouched. So I dress up and decided it's time for some air. Soothingly coaxed darling hubby to join me for coffee and take some time off his work. He's been working more than 12 hours straight. Managed to get some coffee and sandwiches for lunch then straight home. Guess what, instead of continuing his work, he went straight to bed! Poor thing. And Koda? She's happily playing outside.

I think she just enjoys harrassing me in bed.

It's her new thing.

Sigh.

Shopaholic!

When they released their first 2 books few years back in MPH bookstore (M'sia), I used my own allowance and bought them both. Not that I was eye-ing for them. Incidently, I was waiting for my soon-to-be hubby then, for a casual date and found the catchy book cover in Kinokuniya (KLCC). Thought I'd do some light reading to let time pass by. And indeed it was!

The very first few things about her writings was that she made me laugh. Now, I believe only my darling husband knows it's not easy to make me laugh (whole heartedly and intentionally, that is) when I'm alone watching TV or read books. I hardly laugh watching cartoons or comedies unless there are people around just to please them and show I'm having a good time. A people-pleaser, really.

Anyway, I bought the first few books then the next few when they're released and brought them all to where-ever I move. Then when I was back to MPH for holidays a year or two back, I bought the continuous books and the latest, Shopaholic and Baby. Somehow lost in the midst of starting a new life, I completely forgot about the book and had abandoned it. Today I've finished reading it and looking forward to getting her latest, Remember Me?

Little did I know there's a movie release on her first book Confessions of a Shopaholic! Played by Isla Fisher and will be out in 2009. Now, no, I'm not going to wait til the make a movie out of her new book. I'm determined to read it first then rattle on about how the movie was nothing like my imaginary characters in my mind when I read the book! Of course my imaginary characters are better.

Honestly.

Maggi

I know. I know. September as usual is a month of celebration. A bonus when it's Ramadhan. I've pictures but I don't feel like uploading now.

Picked up a couple packets of Maggi (curry flavour) noodles last weekend at the market. Koda this morning while waiting (rather impatiently) for her bowl to be filled, managed to raid the shelve and one of them fell. So try as I might, unsuccessfully, to wake up darling hubby (okay Koda and I both tried) for breakfast. I've had chicken sausages, potatoes, veges and scrambled eggs in mind. It's almost 11.30 and he's still sound asleep. In his defense, he was up all night writing his thesis. Fine. My gaze went to the packet of noodles lying on the kitchen floor. Now that's something I've not had for a very long time. Suddenly those nostalgic memories of boarding school life hits me. It's time for some curry Maggi noodles 'kosong'. No egg, no veges, nothing.

Gosh the smell. I remember. The bitter. The sweet.

Koda wasn't very active last night. We both think the drugs has wore off and the pain is starting to set in for her. She'd tempt to play if you play with her but most of the time she sleeps or just lie down. Poor girl. She's still not allowed to play outdoors. Though this morning I woke up to her purr and numbness in my left arm where she comfortably snooze off.

Raya went out fine. We set off to Sydney for a small getaway sometime before Raya. We went crabbing once with Hamdi. That reminds him to ask when he wants to pick up his kitten.

Off meeting Steve to pick up something very, very important. For now, my noodles are getting cold.