Kak Fatan's wedding

The newly weds with the Khairul's

June 5th, 2010 was their wedding reception. After 2 years of me 'langkah bendul', finally my darling elder cousin got hitched! When I told her I was getting married 2 years ago, she had actually pinched me several times for not waiting for her. Well honey, enjoy married life now =) We were there the night before for their solemnization ceremony. Straight from work, with work clothes and all. The ceremony was over but to show our support (and food!!), we went anyway.

Congratulations the newly weds and welcome Hairi to the family! =)

p/s: credits to kde for this pic which only arrived today in my inbox =p

Worthwhile

Despite my hectic schedule yesterday, during one of the breaks before my next patient came in there was a knock on my door unexpectedly. "Come in.."

And there she was. Those bright shiny eyes.
Those eyes that should really be filled with loads of laughter, shining heavily with joy.
I will always remember those eyes.

"Hi Ms Miza. I've news for you."

I've not seen her for weeks. In fact, she had peeked into my busy mind early that morning left me wondering where could she be. She's having holidays, I thought smartly. She has an appointment with me scheduled for today in fact so I'll be seeing her. So seeing her yesterday was a delightful surprise.

"I'm going to Egypt in September. Dentistry."

My heart swelled.
My chest felt like bursting.
She held a box and handed it to me.

"This is for you. Thank you for everything."

You see, this bright girl had suffered in silence for years. A victim of domestic sexual abuse. With only one person she'd confided into. A friend whom is in Melbourne now. Mom is out of the question. So all she had was her studies. Which she excels tremendously. And rewarded her with a ticket out to "safety".

"..I remember what you said. About moving out to safety. So I decided to go."

Dear H****, my thoughts are with you always. Thank you for being vulnerable with me. I feel honoured being able to share your life experiences. I am grateful for your open-ness and allowing me inside your doors. For truly, that is also an experience gained and life lesson learnt for me. I hope we keep in touch. And I hope you'll be able to find yourself in Egypt, now that you're no longer living at "home". May Egypt be your new home now and you'd feel more comfortable in "your own skin".

Love always.
xx

I gave her a huge meaningful hug. I rubbed her back. I told her I'll miss her. And I told her I'm very proud of her. I also told her to keep in touch. And she'll post me the book I gave her to write as a diary. When she had felt it was not safe to keep such diary in her home, she can give it to me as safe keep.

I think I'll leave the box on my table for a while. It is wrapped with a red ribbon. With a little card note. A reminder of another success story. And perhaps as a forgiving symbol to those I've lost in my counselling career. This is to make up for the others.

And this is why I love my job.
It makes my life worth living.

Awesome Night

I had an awesome time last night at the Ball. Don't think I had a night like that for ages! It's so good to feel that energy again. Screaming songs with a live band til our throats hurt, dancing like fool and jumping away like there's no tomorrow. It was just awesome. An awesome night, indeed. Great company + good friends = awesome night. Food at the Ball costed 8k. Up to 10 varieties including 2 desserts. Foods wasn't bad (except for those dry scrawny salmons), other than that everything else were just o-kay.

As for my LO, sorry Mommy didn't get to see you before your bedtime. I got home by 11pm and head to McD with Daddy to get something to eat. By the time we reach home, you were sound asleep so Mommy just lay beside you and kissed you good night.

Although it was a formal event, do we look like we care? =)

Once those big VVIP left, we hit the floor and danced away!

Delilah

I have been listening to this song quite a bit. I think it's beautiful, and always have. There's just something in the air these few days. Something melancholic, unspoken yet uplifting, inspiring and beautiful.

Past, Present, Future

There's something about these few days.


I find myself looking back at pictures, blog entries and memories of the past. There a some too scary and hard to revisit, but I did anyway. And many that are nice and sweet. I love every bit of them. Those bittersweet memories.


Something very exciting came into my Inbox this morning. With my heart pounding so strongly in me, I explored every aspect of it. And I started dreaming again. Those dreams that were once "put-on-hold" is slowly coming back to life again. I could feel the fire. But not able to reach it yet. There is only one thing that is holding back. And I hope to resolve it as much as I can.


With that exciting news, also bolted me back to my old past. I miss my old past. Certainly. It all once looked so.... right. In place. Perfect. Til reality hits in. And I'm back to square one.


On a different note, when I was younger, looking at people working in offices and in their suits, I had always wondered what kind of job I'd be in. Will I be yelled at by my boss, while working in those open spaced, cubicles? Gossiping with my colleagues through those cubicles? And perhaps, somewhere, sometime late in life, be promoted and have a huge office with a great view by the window.


Today. I am in my own office. A big, comfortable leather chair, a desk that could fit a couple of desktops or laptops AND a working space, 2 armchairs and 1 normal chair to accomodate my clients/patients. I've a good boss (hot, too!) and I work within my own means - a one womanshow. I wear a coat everyday to my office. I'm not that far from looking like that successful careerwoman I had once imagined in my dreams when I was younger. I am not rich, but I got to where I want to be. Here I am. Little did I know that extra experience and degree I hold skipped my steps into a an office room of my own and landed me a professional career.


Alhamdulillah. Thank God for what I have.
My own little nuclear family whom I love and loves me the same.
Although little Mia can probably argue she likes her cat a slightly better.


In future I just hope to be in the same position I am in today. Nothing more or less. I don't dream big and one not much of a goal setter. Food on the table every meal, bills paid, kids taken care off, and I'm one lucky lady, mommy and wife =)

My Past, Present and Future

Aug 15th, 2009

Reliving the Past

It has been so long.

3 years to be precise.

It was rough. Tough.

Indeed, hard.

But we somehow made it through though I'm not sure how.

Or if we actually did made it through.

Sometimes, I miss you. I do.

And the times we shared.

I wish you well. I hope you're great.

But if it's too difficult to forget,

I'll slide back down under the covers and simply wait.
Missing You

Chilli and Little Mia

Yes, little Mia has finally experienced the small slice of chilli at Paparich's last Thursday night. We all (Papa, Mama and the Khairul's) sat down fo ran early dinner before we head home. Out in the corner of my eye, both Papa and I saw her picking on something on the table but none took a serious look. Not until she suddenly cried out loud! I eased her mouth open and saw that little slice of chilli (must've fallen off papa's fingers when he accidently knocked on my chilli+soy sauce mix for my kuey teow soup). None of us noticed the chilli except of course, the little Mia.

So while Daddy picked her up, I gave her some cold water and a couple spoonfuls ice cream. Of course she loves ice cream! And quickly settled down as the heat wore off.

Sigh.

Mommy's little mug shot.

Long Holiday

So our trip to Pahang went well. Little Mia slept most of the journey. The wedding was nice. We sat at the VVIP table. Little Mia left her vomit on their table cloth. It's the second time she threw up like that. The first time, in her sleep after her first vaccination. This time, it is due to that piece of fried chicken she tried to swallow and ended up throwing them all up on the table cloth and some on mommy. Oh well..

Unfortunately the following weekend my MIL was admitted for pneumonia. She's back home now resting and came back with an oxygen tank for life support. Her lungs are swollen and she's tired most times. We drove and on our way back to KL, we stopped by Cameron Highlands. Little Mia is not used to travelling too long. And this trip was definitely quite long for her. I took 3 days EL.

The following weekend was our family holiday trip. We stayed right in front of the beach. It was awesome! We even took little Mia for island hopping. And the rest of the time was spent on the beach. She even fell asleep twice on the beach. It was also her first time tasting sea water :)

So now I'm back at work. And planning on my next trip out.
This time, I'm leaving hubby n baby out =)

Updates

First entry for 2010..

Nice one.
Not that I've been THAT busy.
Suppose I've been putting time to waste too much, too long.
Plus, I've been updating the baby blog quite often.

Let's see.
The year came in and there's no new year's resolution this time. It's still the same, about losing that kilos from preggy-days, eat healthily, walk more, etc etc. Another addition to this year's resolution is to spend as much quality time as I have with my little nuclear family. ZIP. Hello 2010.

February came, I resigned from my old job. Best decision I've ever made in my entire short life. 2 weeks later I stumbled upon another job and within a couple of weeks later, I started working again. I went through 2 job interviews and was accepted both positions. One offering higher salary, nearer to home, more time at work, less benefits and less time with family. The other offers lesser but with more benefits including for my family, less working hours and further than home. I took up the latter. Nothing tops filling my time with my family =)

By early March I reported for duty and the first day of work I returned home feeling a little blue and slightly disappointed. That was the only single day I felt crappy about work. It never happened anymore since then. My little monster has just started crawling since I've been at home after resigning. Since then she had a lot of opportunities to learn how to crawl. Now she's crawling faster and faster each day. She's even climbed up nearly 2 flights of stairs in our home to get upstairs!

Then April came and we counted the days to the 21st! I was feeling blue mixed with excitement that our little bundle of joy will turn the big ONE. Everyone's feeling hyped about it and plans for her birthday party started out. Invitations went out two weeks before the event. We had her party Apr 25th, the following weekend of the 21st. She was bitten by an insect and her whole right leg swell right up during the party. Of course she was clingy throughout the party. Damn insect! But I baked a rubber duckie cake, and made a pinata for her. I also baked a 30th Wedding Anniversary cake (red-velvet) for Mama n Papa.

This month we have applied leave for our relaxing family vacation. It'll be in conjunction with our 2nd year anniversary and of course little Mia's going with us. We've not been on vacation for quite some time now. This weekend we'll be in Pahang for a wedding. A long drive with little Mia along. Awesome!

The News

How am I to juggle work and a wife with a 7 month old baby?
We shall soon find out =)

I start early next month.

Silent Prayer

God the All Mighty..,
if by your willing,
I am able to give heaven to my child,
if that is the power you promised to all mothers,
and as you turned me into a mother,
then with all my heart,
as now she is born,
that when her time comes,
to be rejoined with you,
I forgive all her future sins - as I hope you do too - ,
and that heaven is the exact place where I want her to be.
Amen.

Storm

This is going to be "interesting".

I've so much in my mind. So much that I feel if I don't vent out to someone soon, I'm sure it'll consume me and eat me alive. I'm sick and tired of people telling me what to do and what not to do. The arrival of baby should be something I look forward to. And I do. God, I cannot wait to hold her. It's the other part of the story that's killing me.

I don't want to believe he'll leave me for not doing what she wants me to. I refuse to. She always uses that to defend and make me do what she wants me to do. Manipulative, yes. Sad. I always get the blues when these things happen. I feel un-supported. Yet, I don't want to offend.

Remind me this when it's your time, baby.

Life Fulfillments

I'm curious to know how the pain of giving birth feels like.

Every woman describes and experiences it differently. I hope mine would run smooth. I know it may sound strange. But today while having lunch, a very wrinkled and old lady (maybe in her 80's) with her old seat-type-crutch sat next table to us alone. For reasons I may not be able to explain, I thought to myself, if I didn't get to feel the joy of being married.. and the pain delivering my own children at least once, I've not experienced and lived a fulfilling life. A very sad old hag I'd be when I'm as old as that woman next to us. After all, they say your happiest day is your wedding day and childbirth is the most excruciating pain. For now, alhamdulillah, I'm about to satisfy both my life-fulfillment needs. So yeah I am curious to find out what all this childbirth pain people all over the world are jibber-jabbering about. And now labour pains.. bring it on before I call in the drugs! =)

Transition

Are you kidding me?

I am afraid.
Well maybe not afraid afraid..
Perhaps more of overwhelmed..

Playing the 'what if' game in my mind.
What if I cannot handle it.
What if I'm a bad mother.
What if I drop her.
What if everything's my fault?

It'll never end.

So I'll take it a step at a time.
I wish we'll have a good relationship.
Well.. don't everyone..?
I wish we'll have a healthy relationship.

I promise to do my best with what I have available at the moment in time.
That's all I can hope for.

V-Day

Rise and Shine
Happy Valentine's Day!

Quarter-Life Crisis

Its when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. You want to settle down for good because now all of a sudden that becomes top priority.

Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You begin to think a companion for life is better than a hundred in the shack and for once you would not mind standing tall for that special someone which otherwise you had never thought of until now.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that every one reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Send this to your twenty-something friends.... maybe it will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion...

We call it the "Quarter-life Crisis"

With permission from Kak Mas (whom took it from someone else whom took it from someone else) - you get the drift.

Best Times

i am at the best times in my life
how could i not be?
just married and a soon-to-be mommy
if thunder comes and sweeps away
i'll always remember
i had the best times in my life
an no one is able to take that away from me
=)

Sweet Revenge

Last night was our 8th month wedding anniversary and quite shamefully to say, the first time I remembered. So this is what I made as a special treat for us after dinner. Pistachio Souffles.



Of course Koda was not allowed to have some because firstly, she's a cat. Secondly, our monthly wedding anniversary has nothing to do with her. She wasn't even with us yet when we got married. If it were Mowkie, maybe. She was with us throughout the whole ordeal even slept with us in our bedroom.

And she hates feeling left out.
So this is what we discovered this morning.



My pistachio souffle recipe! Dumped into her water bowl! Aghh!!

Buttery Baking Series

As promised, here are the photos of my Shortbread Cookies. I'm too lazy to write up another entry to this blog, so I've quoted the entry I wrote on my baby blog here.

Haa.. When the temperature shoots up, and nothing much to do indoors, I start to scamper around the kitchen searching for a reason to bake and cook!

There's the roti jala and curry series - which didn't make the mark to snap photos of - and a pound cake! In all honesty, I was looking for my long bought pistachios to make the long overdue pistachio souffles. Couldn't find them anywhere! Til my cake was rising in the oven, I found those pistachios hiding on the side of our shelf. Ugh geram nya! Anyway, here's the absolutely rich, dense, moist pound cake. Easy ingredients. It's too hot to bother going out and buy anything.


The batter - luscious texture


Ready to go into the oven!


Very pleased. Dense and moist.
The top has a thin crust to it and oh so lovely. Notice those little black dots in the cake? That's from the vanilla bean paste we bought when the family was around. Thought of doing some baking while they're here but not a chance! Mama conquers the kitchen with her yummy-licious cooking!

And these were made the night before. Shortbread Cookies!
Again, easy ingredients and dreamy.


Before baking.


Into the cookie jar! Quick!


YUM!

Ahh.. the joy of baking =)
Very satisfying.

Welcoming Summer 2009

The heat is on!
A scorching 41 degrees today and I don't like it.

With such weather, no one's allowed to go out today. Not even Koda. I've prepared some frozen ice water in bottles in the freezer and cut watermelons in the fridge to cool off during the day. Thought of making something that I can chuck into the oven but hubs mentioned beef curry so it's roti jala time! Mama brought a roti jala cone from home and has yet to try them on.

Yesterday he mentioned there's no cookies in the house. He googled and found a simple shortbread cookies recipe and I followed it. It's ever-easy, not too sweet and makes 20-30 cookies. Melts in the mouth, takes less than a quarter of the day to prepare and bake. Easy-peasy. Perfect for this preggie lady. Trick is - best quality butter you can ever find and vanilla beans. YUM! I've pictures and will share soon.

This blog has been neglected for a long while. With a baby coming along, I've decided to focus my attention on him/her. And write down as many thoughts, physical changes and note every detail I can for the baby blog. 25 weeks into the pregnancy world and already the discomfort settles in. While many ladies out there talks about morning sickness, I'd have to say that's the least experience I had to encounter. My biggest concern was my backpains. Horrible. If I were to fall preggie once again, remind me to be prepared of the backpains. Then again, each pregnancies are different. We'll just wait and see.

Well, off to making some yummy roti jala and beef curry!