Butterfly

To Love and To Live

Hopeless and helpless

what's the point..
what does it matter anymore..
maybe i should just move on..

My Escape

There are a lot of questions I want to ask you
Of the way you treated me when I was young..

So much confusion and so much that I couldn't make sense of
Because in my own small world of understanding
This isn't how it's supposed to be..

If I am not capable of it
If I am not worth of who I am
Then what am I doing here
If I can't satisfy you
And it seems that I keep on hurting you
Then what worth am I here

Maybe I was not supposed to be here
Neither did I ask to be born
Instead of making me the ideal you
Can you accept me whole as one?

I look back at those days.. years even
So much confusion
So much hurt
So much pain
But now all I understand is
You did the best you can

Perhaps that's why I kept on wanting to run away
Live far away just to separate myself
So I can see who I am truly

Then allowing myself to be

Comfortable

In my own skin

Family dynamics

a lot has happened these few days.

made me think somewhere between family values, dynamics and independency.

the irony of seeing how intense love spreads in a broken family.
perhaps love seeps through the broken family. mending it so they stick together.
i guess some families are meant to be broken. to make way for love to come in.

funny thing, love is.

love plays.

Everyone's home

Bloody hot water did not work last nite.

Still icy cold by this morning.

Called up Trisha then Spiro came around 5pm. No gas. Equals to no hot water.

It turned out that Origin is a gas company that had been supplying our gas to the previous tenants. They sent out a few letters giving warning about the gas bill. The letters were addressed to "The Occupier". As heaps of letters to the previous tenants arrive to us, I blatantly assume it's just another perhaps an advertising company addressed to the previous tenants.

How wrong.

5.45pm the company is already closed. Luckily Spiro is nice enough to help us out and the best he could do for us is to get them connect it back by tomorrow afternoon after 3pm. Tonight will be an episode of showering the olden days style. Boiling hot water in the kettle and mix them with cold water in a bucket. That'll do.

Emma is back. Her family's all here.

Meen's papa and her youngest bro Emer arrived this morning and they're staying at Adil's place. Meen has very similar gestures as her papa that it sometimes freaks me. Very nice man with good humour and fun to hang around with. He treated us all including Adil n Haz to the reknown restaurant "Pondok Bali". Food was superb.

Good company + Good food = Good nite sleep

Meen's return

Wanted to blog last nite but had company.

Meen got back yesterday morning.

6.53am she successfully woke me up to ask for some change to pay the taxi driver. Humm.. and I was convinced that that only happen in Msia. Taxi drivers without change.

Made breakfast for us. Adil came and joined us for breakfast. Went uni. Came back 9.15pm to find Adil, Haz and Mai were there talking and "celebrating" Meen's return. Sweet ain't it? Anyway, the night progresses as we congregrated in the living room and then up in my room until 3am that they decided to sleep over.

My IKEA magnet board is proudly hanging on the wall over my desk. Now I've a work station in my room. Cool.

This morning we all went out to complete our tasks for the day, and hang out at Adil's for dinner as he had prepared an impressive art of a dining table etiquette. Made chicken kurma and Haz did the veggie. Lovely dinner at Adil's combined with Haz's "teh tarik" and Max Brener's "immitation version" of hot chocolate for dessert, Meen and I walked it all off back to our house tonight.

We talked about various issues on the way home.

Thought of the day:
I had felt the intensity of love. But I'd never beg a man for it.

A Creed for Tomorrow's Child

A child learns what she lives,

If a child lives with criticism, she learns to condemn.
with hostility, she learns to fight.
with ridicule, she learns to be shy.
with shame, she learns to feel guilt.

If a child lives with tolerance, she learns to be patient.
with encouragement, she learns confidence.
with fairness, she learns justice.
with security, she learns to have faith.
with approval, she learns to like herself.

And if a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
she learns to find love in the world.

by Anon

My Rights

I have the right to be responsible for my own life,
To accept and respect myself and others,
To feel happy, satisfied and allow inner peace,
To take care of my whole being - my body, my mind, my spirit.

I have the right to be imperfect,
To be aware of and fulfill my own needs,
To have dreams, goals and ideals - and to make them happen,
To have and express all my emotions.

I have the right to tell others how I want to be treated,
To allow people to help without feeling guilty, unworthy or dependent,
To get what I pay for,
To have a healthy, life enhancing relationships where communication is valued.

I have the right to make conscious decisions to change relationships,
To change, emerge and expand in new directions,
To have my own beliefs, ideas, values without apology to anyone,
To live in the present moment, free of guilt in the past and worry for the future.

I have the right to relax, let go, to 'do' nothing.

Ruth Sharon, Colorado.

El Maco *yuck*

el maco tasted like any other cheeseburger with extra sauce on it.

note:
not to watch adverts on tv before leaving house.
not to go to the city after uni.

the garbage ppl picked up our trash this morning. i returned from uni and dragged my bin inside only to find it heavier.

opened the lid.

it was 3/4 full with trash topped with a heapfull of letters addressed to unit 9.

it's Tara's unit. she told me she stole a bin too from the front street few months ago.

hmm...

At some stage you will experience plateau - as if everything has stopped. Once the process has started it doesn't stop: it will only appear to stop from where you are looking.

- Ram Dass

Stolen bin, mouse and memory card reader

I stole a green garbage bin today.

It was stationed by the streets for the garbage man to come and empty it for nearly 2 weeks now. So I crossed my fingers, looked left, right, front and back before sneaking it into our garage. There. Finally after more than a month moving into Cardwell Street, I have a bin. No more tip-toeing outside in the middle of the night to throw rubbish in the neighbour's bin.

Tara bought a car and fitted it into our garage tonight. Second hand for Aud2200. Not bad, eh. Excuse my ignorance I did not take note of the car type, name and all. A reasonably small car.

The long awaited mouse and memory card reader has made its way into my hands.

Grieving heart

There's an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with, "How are you" and "I'm fine."
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything -
except the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we walk together.
It is constantly in our minds.
For you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all.
But we do not talk about the elephant.
"Oh please say her name, please say "Barbara" again."

Please talk about this elephant.
For if we talk about her death,
Perhaps we can talk about her life?
May I say "Barbara" to you, and have you not look away.
For if I may not, then you are leaving me.
Alone.
In a room.
With an elephant.

-Terry Kettering

When the heart is cracked, cut or broken,
Do not clutch it, let the wound lie open.

Let the wind from the good old sea blow
in,
To bathe the wound with salt, and let it
sting.

Let a stray dog lick it, let
a bird lean in the hole and sing,
A simple song like a
tiny bell, and let it ring.

Let it go. Let it out.
Let it all unravel. Let it be free
and it can be, a path on which to travel.

- A PATH ON WHICH TO TRAVEL -

They said

They said I will become a Creator.
I'll be experimenting with creating what I imagine.

They said I will see life as a journey.
I'll be expressing whatever I'll become to be to the world and prepare for what I'd be getting back.

They said I'll be leading life looking for solutions.
I'll be a workaholic and become like my father.

But you know what, I think that is what I have become. And I'm looking forward to see more of it.

My birthday is coming up. Exactly 30 days from today.

Men need to be loved to feel love.

Women need to feel love to be loved.

-Joy Anasta-

The bigger picture..

This was forwarded to my email tonite by mom.

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Muslim women who share a secret love
Posted on 28/06/2006
Islam, rather than Western culture’s focus on sexual freedom, shapes day-to-day reality for a third of the world’s Anglicans. Malay women who convert to Christianity are forced to live a double-life. KATRIN ARNHOLZ spoke to one of them.
Under Kamariah’s* photo on her Malaysian identification card is her ethnicity. Right under that her gender, and to the left: Islam. But the 28-year-old woman with the angular eyeglasses and the broad smile is Christian. She belongs to the largest ethnic group in Malaysia—the Malays. According to the official census, Malays number 65 per cent of the population. In Malaysia, Kamariah says, a Malay is a Muslim by definition. “A Malay is a Muslim. Full stop,” she says. Few dare to go public if they convert to Christianity.
One man who has publicly converted is the well-known yachtsman, Azhar Mansor, who in 1999 sailed around the world in 190 days without the aid of an engine. The main mast of his yacht broke around Cape Horn. He managed, nevertheless, to reach the Faulkland Islands to repair the mast. What happened on the way between the cape and the islands is subject to speculation. The internet is full of questions by Muslims as to whether Mansor – who no longer lives in Malaysia – is really converted. And there is much discussion among Christians as well. Kamariah’s version is that Mansor, about to drown in the sea, was saved by a dolphin, and that Jesus appeared to him soon after.
Lina Joy did not intend to become famous when she requested officially to leave Islam in 2001. She succeeded in changing her name, Azlina Jailani, to Lina Joy, but the government’s National Registration Department refused to delete ‘Islam’ from her identification card. For such decisions, it is not the government departments that are responsible, but the Syariah Court – the court in Malaysia which supervises Muslims’ adherence to Islam. To the disadvantage of Lina Joy, the judge ruled, ‘As the plaintiff is a Malay, she is subjected to the laws of Islam until she dies’.
She has appealed the decision several times, and her latest appeal will appear soon before the High Court in Kuala Lumpur. Then it will be determined whether the Syariah Court has jurisdiction over those people who want to convert out of Islam. Article 11 (of the Malaysian Constitution) promises freedom of religion. “It is true for all the other faiths, but not for Muslims who want to leave Islam”, says Kamariah.
She and the 34-year-old Natasha* are the only ethnic Malays in the international church they visit. “Many Malay Christians hide themselves and meet secretly”, explains Kamariah. They are still registered as Muslims. In two months, Kamariah will start a business which plans weddings. But the business intends to do much more: it will also offer free pre-marital counselling. The counselling will be based on the principles of the Bible. Kamariah had to negotiate this plan with the relevant authorities - and the plan was approved.
The identification card of converted Muslims becomes a problem when they want to marry, because by Islamic law, a Muslim can only marry another Muslim.
“The only way to get legally married is to marry a Malay Christian who is also still on paper a Muslim”, says the young woman. “But then our children will also be Muslims on paper, and their children, and the circle is never broken. But if we want to change our identification cards, it won’t happen without problems.” The Syariah Court can decide to put me in prison”, explains Kamariah. Therefore she does not think now of marrying or of changing her identity card, and she lives – like most single adults in Malaysia – with her Muslim parents. They do not know that their daughter is a Christian. “Here I must be careful whom I confide in”, Kamariah says. “Some Malays are tolerant, but others would not hesitate to turn me in to the Syariah Court. If they didn’t turn me in, then others might think that they were cooperating to hide me – and that is not good at all in Islam.”
Kamariah became a Christian in 2000 after being in a two-year relationship with a Chinese Christian. “I was always envious; he had a relationship with his God. My God was far away, unattainable,” she remembers. “His prayers were answered. Mine were not.” So Kamariah decided one day to entrust her life to Jesus. Since then much has changed. Even though she does not speak with her parents about Christianity, she prays in her house. “Suddenly my mother took the Koran verses off the wall and instead hung up a picture of some flowers”, she says happily. One day, she hopes, she will not have to hide her faith any longer. “I wish that more Malay Christians would come out publicly and go to church and not meet secretly. That would be a break-through in our society.”
*Names have been changed

Perhaps just a decade ago muslims in Msia particularly would have not come up with such thing. Then again, a decade ago I was too self-involved with my needs; confused and angry at the whole world. Nevertheless, in my small world, conversions of muslims (to another religion) was not a matter of choice nor was a subject of discussion at dinner table. It was something known and taught to us children that it's not an option for us to even think about.

I am no religious girl and not proud of it. Nor am I highly ignorant of religious practice. Just another ordinary girl dipping her toes into issues and seeking out answers to the curious and wondering mind.

I've heard stories about people converting to islam because they heard a calling from "azan" and such. People in my surroundings would get all hyped up and continuosly say because islam is the one and only true religion. How is that different to other religions? They say the same thing about their religion too. Why do some people get all worked up and challenge others to change their minds about their own religion? Is it hard to accept that we're just two different people believing in two different Gods? Why would people want to keep on proving to others that their religion is the best?

Funny how similar the two religions are yet different beliefs.

I guess in the bigger picture we all are afraid of being the minority. Perhaps.

Just another train of thought.