21 days to go and still counting..

I'm going HOME!!

Just got back from Aunty Bedah's house. Thought of dropping by coz she needs to give meen n mai money to buy her "nyawa". Instead we ended up eating leftovers from yesterday's raya haji open house. Initially Meen brought Mai and I to Domino's to get my ever craved for brownies with chocolate sauce (yum!!). Thanks Meen, you're as good and as sweet.

We then wanted to go to Gloria Jeans and get Meen's "before departure quick fix" Tim Tam ice blended *drool* but made a detour to Aunty Bedah's house instead. Greeted by Qasha and Qrystal, Aunty Bedah her usual chats turned out to be 2 hours long and before we knew it.. it's already 12 am (yikes!!) and we've got a flight to catch tomorrow!

Closing 2006 and Msia get ready for a new year..
Happy New Year 2007 to all!!

Sleepless in Adelaide

Spent the whole night last nite trying to sleep!
Geez.. I love to sleep. I could sleep for hours and hours. Mom said I was born a sleeper. Didn't even move often inside her womb that it worries her sick.

Well maybe I'm excited. Or nervous. Or anxious. Or.. whatever!

So I woke up at 5.40 (can you believe it? I rarely at all wake up for sahur let alone on a Saturday morning!) and logged on to my lappie. Replied a "secret admirer's" letter and decided to go downstairs and make pasta bake! At 6 in the morning!

Humm.. maybe I should try sleep again..

Raya haji

Just got off the phone with Aunty Bedah. Esok raya!

We're invited to her house tomorrow for some makan-makan lunchtime. Tomorrow I'm off with Mai to look for a door-stopper at chinatown.

-Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha 2006-

Words of Wisdom

I'm not sure if I want to do this
I've heard everyone whom is about to do this feels like you do right now
if you keep thinking and thinking about it
you may never get over it
it may just aggravate your problem
without having any idea where your thought is going

I've poured my heart and worries out to so many close people in my life for the past couple of months and none had made me feel as calmer and better than those words.

I think he is perfect.. well maybe not.. but given what you've told me,
relationships depends on how much effort you are willing to make
You know what.. I know you can stand on your own but sometimes
I am scared of you being alone and struggle to regain yourself alone..
Life is not like that..
we are born to meet people to be together with
and share something cherishable with those you care for
You will be fine..my dear
put it this way.. you are afraid of yourself
but now what he really want is just you
and maybe the burden should be followed as he is willing to take any risk
just have faith in him
For me, to really know about one person is truly love
Love may not be defined easily.. it can be a part of somebody's life
or it can be all of one's life
and.. as you go along life together
without experiencing anything "new", "different", "challenging" or "unique"
that makes you excited about love
at least you've got someone to share moments with you
and supports you
it's a pleasant thing to have someone be by your side
it's just one of the processes in life
I know how independent you are but you can still be with him
the reality is.. we can never find someone to match our dreams perfectly
we just find someone who suits perfectly for us.
On a side note: You've gotta stop doing things just to please 'her'
you are losing yourself with it
try listening to your heart and that connects to your thoughts.

*hugs*
A God-sent friend

Slowwwwww.....

Time is moving incredibly slow.

I wanna get home!!
There are million of things to do then, I'm sure. And events too. Kak Da and family will be moving into their new home in Kajang, brainstorming with mom n dad of the 9 goodies to get for him oh and also where to hold the ceremony, look out for our attire for the ceremony, buy things with him for starting a new life here (sigh.. :), get more things for me me me, tell abg and adik I love them so so very very much and nothing will change that tho I'll be booked, meet Ma and hear to what she has to say, grab Makcha to pour my little heart out, hang out with my dear cousins, nieces and nephews, and oh much much more!

Things to shop!
1) Perencah Nasi Kandar (yummy! can't wait to cook for you, baby. Though I know you'll say it's nice no matter how the food I make will torture your taste buds)
2) Brand new calendar book 2007
3) Bring more photos from home
4) Bedsheets!
5) Clothes and uhm.. i could use a new pair of jeans
6) Bday presents for Mai, Renae and Suc! (sorry guys)
7) Abg and Papa's bday presents
8) Mags
9) Toiletries (cleanser, moisturiser, toner)
10) Socks!
11) Mee Loong Foong (ask papa to get from Phg)
12) New housing and keypad for my hp
13) New earrings!

Ok I admit. Some of the things here are totally un-necessary and not things that I NEED. Who said I can't want? Anyway, I don't mind if things listed here will not be 100% satisfied. S' long I get my man to lay his cute bum here with me for the rest of my life, I'll be contented.

No, really.

Losing you

This entry is to clarify (after much thought and pondering), that referring to "A Sucker" entry, what I meant by "afraid of losing him" was not meant by us breaking up nor by divorce.

But "losing him" as in who he is, what he is and how he is right now to me.

*This, baby is my biggest fear of all*

I guess I got this from hearing far too many stories about husbands not turning out to be who they were before they got married. The nearer the Day comes, the more I hear about it. It just freaks me out. Perhaps, by the end of it all, it falls down to "rezeki". And all we can do about it right now is "tawakal" and hope that everything will fall to place.

i hate uncertainties

Merry Christmas

I hope it is not too late to wish everyone here and all over the globe a happy, happy Christmas!

A Sucker

Mai and her family are coming for lunch today and I made nasi ayam to welcome them. Meen bought the ingredients as I'm totally broke that I could eat sand right now (honestly!). So while waiting for them to arrive, we watch Christmas by Candlelight on telly. It was a repeat from last night and I just realized how much I've missed Xmas songs.

Anyway, as I was amazed by the ever gorgeous beauty Delta Goodrem I couldn't wait to hear Jessica Mauboy singing "All I want for Christmas is you". Can't help thinking of the story "Love Actually" and according to Meen, she does look like the girl in the movie while singing the number.

When High 5 came out to perform, one of them played a guitar and I couldn't help getting that flicker of emotion in my tummy and warm juices in my heart. Yes, people. Among all singers and performers in the world, High 5 reminded me of how much a sucker I am with guys playing guitars! Sigh.....

Last night he called as usual and we talked. Casually, as I told him I feel fat and ugly, he asked, what is my biggest fear. For a split second there, I've no clue whatsoever answer to that. There is no one thing that I fear of right now but losing him. He rationalized my emotions of being fat and ugly to worrying too much about 'the Day', which is absolutely true, baby. I worry of uncertainties.

Don't we all, I wonder.

Daddy dearest

It just hit me. Perhaps all my anxiety, worry, depression, mixed emotions came from realizing one thing that matters all my life.

*No longer a daddy's girl*

Don't get me wrong, baby. Spending my lifetime with you has always, always been playing in my mind and my dreams. Yet, still. I don't wanna be on my own. I still wanna hold on to daddy. I'm daddy's girl. I guess it'll hit me harder when the time comes for me to leave Msia and come back here with my future fiance.

I've no idea how people do it. How do you go from being a single person to having someone with you for the rest of your life? The transition is a huge step for me. It looks like an enormous gap for me to leap. I will leap, I'm sure I will. But how far do I go after that? Would I be walking straight or run? I do see him waiting for me on the other end. Yet at some parts of the journey it feels like I'll be going through it alone. Papa (as most fathers out there) has always, always wants (and he makes sure I get) the best for me. If every kid's dream in this world is to go to Disneyworld, he made sure I get to go. Not only one Disneyworld, but few disneys around the globe. If people dream of going to Paris, he made sure we (and my two brothers) get to go Paris and around Europe, not only once, but it has been 4 times. The sky is the limit with papa. Like Abg Zul once said recently, if my name's been uttered, say no more, and papa will provide.

I'm grateful for my fiance-to-be. He has been very supportive and encouraging. There's no one in the world I'd trade in to be in his shoes right now. He has been there since I was too young to even know how to wear makeup (he still teases me sometimes). He saw my flaws and listens to all my crazy thoughts. My insecurities, my worries, playing my 'what if' games (as he calls it), my smart thoughts and not-so-smart ones. He sees and listens to everything. Parts of me that I'm still ashamed of and parts that I'm proud of. He works hard for my dreams. So don't worry, papa because I believe and I trust that he will give me more if not, at par with what papa has and is giving me.

I pray a little harder now and my prayers are with you baby. God, if he is the one for me, for the rest of my life, then oh God please make my heart stronger to leave Papa's hold and to take his. Amin.

Countdown

30 days to go..

i'm scared. really. very scared.

Date

It is confirmed today.
Countdown to the date: 39 days left from today.

Break of Dawn

Can't sleep.

Perhaps knowing that it'll not be the way that is dreamed of all these while. There won't be 'the' celebration. It'll be more of 'her' event.
At times, I don't think I can handle the pressure.

Yes, I am afraid of commitment.
What if we fall out. What if he can't stand living with me. What if I can't stand living with him. What if suddenly he wakes up and realizes this is not how he wants his life to be. What if I experience a change of heart. What if I can't trust myself.
Yes, I am playing the 'what if' game.

Maybe it's not just that.

One Step

11:45am right now in msia and we have taken the first step.

Restless

Can't sleep. Wide awake by 4am. Tossed and turned finally at 6.30 decided to go dwnstairs n make instant noodles. Bright and shine outside on a summer day.

Looked at the dates for January. Decided on the 20th. Papa's bday touches the nxt day.

We'll see how it goes today. In approximately 7 hrs time.

Tomorrow

It's happening tmrw and feeling crappy with scrathy throat, slight cough and runny nose. Papa said everything's well. They got the wallpaper fixed frm Mowkie's doing, the gifts with light gold color theme and food catered for 80 - 100 ppl. Papa said everyone from his side is coming. Mama jst called a few frm her side.

His mom's arriving tday with his side of the family. About 20 ppl.

To be honest, I dnt quite know how I feel. Mixed with the bug in my head. Whatever it is, it's happening. Tomorrow.

Ring

He bought the ring today.

Realization

Came to a realization some time ago.

Maybe because it's not how it was dreamt to be.
It is our dream, but not mine.
And now learning to let go of my "dream" and be happy for ours.

Arrived

Left on the 4th and arrived on the 6th. Luggages were okay but I missed my flight frm Syd to Adl due to the flight delay in London. Thankfully I was put on the next flight to Adl at 12.25pm. Reached home, dragged luggages up the stairs to my room, showered and knocked on Meen's door. She screamed with surprise.

Long trip. Long days.

Last Day, Final Outing

Walk around Geneve city

The Last open house

The Men
The Women

And the children were all over the place it's hard to take pictures of them together. This is at uncle amran (the second man) 's house.

The Tram

A blurry and ugly picture of the tram ticket