Weekly Countdown

Oh dear..
I've been counting the weeks before the big day.
Week 14th.. not so many more weeks to go.

Checklist
- waiting on the arrivals of cards
- fittings!
- house should be 80% ready by now
- papa's 3rd major meeting with one of his teams
- mama's team meeting, put to work
- browse gifts and ring
- shoot off to jkt soon
- book and purchase tix
- call dimia

ok i think if i list down everything that needs to be done here, it'll take ages. i need an assistant. hmm..

To compensate what I've been consuming (mostly meat meat and more meat) these past few days, it's all veges today. Seafood, fine. Thinking of what to pack.. it'll be winter once we reach back here so we'll be needing at least a jacket/coat or two.

Now on what's bugging me. The notion of getting married. I've been doing some readings to further mentally prepare myself. And sharing notes with him once in a while. Of course, I am excited for the event. I can't wait to start the event. I hope everything goes well and I'm waiting for it all to fall into place. I don't demand anything else but the health and the heart of us both on our big day. And nothing else.

But when it comes to getting married, myself. It's a different story. I'll be building an empire of my own - with him. No longer depending and covering under Papa's wings (though I've a feeling those wings are spreading bigger each day). I shall be changing my main status. From a daughter to a wife. My responsibilities, my purpose, my priorities shifts and change. With all my heart I hope this to be the start to a new beginning filled with challenges and dreams. Hence, I try everyday to answer those silent questions. Am I able to be a wife. A good wife to him. Will I be able to draw my responsibilities and hold a family. Am I sufficient. Am I ready to take this step. Can I be strong to hold us when we fall. How do I manage when things fall apart for us. Nauzubillah. Can I make-up for the two of us. What happens when a baby comes along. Am I sufficient enough for him - and for us. What will come in the way for us while we build our marriage. Will I be able to handle it. When will I break. Will I ever break. What happens when I do. What about our expectations. Will it be met. Or shall we not have any. Where do I draw the line. Can I carry on. How do I set my priorities. What do I need to think about. Will I be able to handle it. Where is my strength. Will I lose myself. Who, where, what am I.

So yeah, to me, it's nothing at all about just getting married. I don't think you'll realize it until you are about to get married. It's stepping into a whole new world to me. If you get or got into marriage thinking it's just getting married, think again. But congratulations if you've survived it. I'm sure you've put lots of thoughts into it and prepared yourself differently once you've got married. To note today, I still do not have a concrete answer to these questions. There is no more me now, but there is us. I no longer look for advice, but support. I find some advises I receive are toxic. But I thank you for those advises. So I wouldn't overlook the worst. Now I learn to choose-with regards to advises-what to keep to heart and what to not. But I try hard not to forget, either. I will take one step a day. I shall remind myself who I am everyday. I will take time to find myself. I will try hard not to lose me.
I trust him.
I trust God.
I trust me.
And I shall learn to instill that trust throughout our journey.

Insyallah