Changing Directions

Adik called tonite. After a rather long time (with him busy preparing for SPM and boarding school), we managed to talk. It was some talk.

It's a thought that he seemed to be turning to me seeking advises and opinions with regards to studies and future decision-making. He looks up to him, that I know for sure. To him, he is an intellectual, very intelligent and successful person and he wants to be like him. I know he has a lot of respect for him. Personally, I can understand the way he feels of him (well, because I think he is too). However, I wonder if he thinks the same way of me? And I wonder why.

Adik aspires to be a doctor since he begun to talk. Honestly, I can even see him as one and nothing else. And he follows the right path. He even got into a science school. Now, a little over 6 months before SPM, he change his mind. He got frustrated with mama one day not long ago when she was on his back about not studying enough. He left dinner early and went to his room, as I followed 10 steps behind him. That was the first time I heard him saying, "Kalau tak jadi doctor, tak boleh ke, kak?" I struggle hard not to sound like a counsellor but more of a sister/friend. Being a 'high explorer' to myself (Noela would've been so proud) is not enough and that nagging curiousity of the 'spin' got me thinking, where did it all went wrong?

So tonight he called, spilling out his thoughts and ideas. Trying to rationalize his actions and decisions. Somewhere between the lines, I reflected on the steps I took. We both actually had aspired to be doctors and he knows it. Only I changed my direction (and got lost many times) way much earlier than him. I suppose when I changed my 'gear' and went into Psychology; at his tender age, he would have seen me as a "quit-er" and thought that I'll fail in my journey. Because I did not follow the 'rules' of wanting something and sticking to it. The 'rules' that perhaps we both invented or was buried into us from our parents, without us realizing it - a very, very long time ago.

Perhaps the fact that I have reached this far, had me redeem myself from being a "quit-er". Who ever said it is wrong to make mistakes? To steer away from our 'focus' may mean we can never get it back? Perhaps we need to steer once in a while. Asking what "we" want rather than "why" we want it. As much as parents not living for their children, children don't live for their parents either. Yes, it would be the noble thing to do. Living for one another. Didn't someone wise said, human beings are selfish? We do try hard not to be.

I believe there are no self-less good deed.
Phoebe was right all along.

As for Adik, you can be what you want/choose to be. Just make that decision yours and yours alone. Make it so if it doesn't work out, it was your decision and you'll find you've no regrets.

We live as we create them to be.