21 days to go and still counting..

I'm going HOME!!

Just got back from Aunty Bedah's house. Thought of dropping by coz she needs to give meen n mai money to buy her "nyawa". Instead we ended up eating leftovers from yesterday's raya haji open house. Initially Meen brought Mai and I to Domino's to get my ever craved for brownies with chocolate sauce (yum!!). Thanks Meen, you're as good and as sweet.

We then wanted to go to Gloria Jeans and get Meen's "before departure quick fix" Tim Tam ice blended *drool* but made a detour to Aunty Bedah's house instead. Greeted by Qasha and Qrystal, Aunty Bedah her usual chats turned out to be 2 hours long and before we knew it.. it's already 12 am (yikes!!) and we've got a flight to catch tomorrow!

Closing 2006 and Msia get ready for a new year..
Happy New Year 2007 to all!!

Sleepless in Adelaide

Spent the whole night last nite trying to sleep!
Geez.. I love to sleep. I could sleep for hours and hours. Mom said I was born a sleeper. Didn't even move often inside her womb that it worries her sick.

Well maybe I'm excited. Or nervous. Or anxious. Or.. whatever!

So I woke up at 5.40 (can you believe it? I rarely at all wake up for sahur let alone on a Saturday morning!) and logged on to my lappie. Replied a "secret admirer's" letter and decided to go downstairs and make pasta bake! At 6 in the morning!

Humm.. maybe I should try sleep again..

Raya haji

Just got off the phone with Aunty Bedah. Esok raya!

We're invited to her house tomorrow for some makan-makan lunchtime. Tomorrow I'm off with Mai to look for a door-stopper at chinatown.

-Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha 2006-

Words of Wisdom

I'm not sure if I want to do this
I've heard everyone whom is about to do this feels like you do right now
if you keep thinking and thinking about it
you may never get over it
it may just aggravate your problem
without having any idea where your thought is going

I've poured my heart and worries out to so many close people in my life for the past couple of months and none had made me feel as calmer and better than those words.

I think he is perfect.. well maybe not.. but given what you've told me,
relationships depends on how much effort you are willing to make
You know what.. I know you can stand on your own but sometimes
I am scared of you being alone and struggle to regain yourself alone..
Life is not like that..
we are born to meet people to be together with
and share something cherishable with those you care for
You will be fine..my dear
put it this way.. you are afraid of yourself
but now what he really want is just you
and maybe the burden should be followed as he is willing to take any risk
just have faith in him
For me, to really know about one person is truly love
Love may not be defined easily.. it can be a part of somebody's life
or it can be all of one's life
and.. as you go along life together
without experiencing anything "new", "different", "challenging" or "unique"
that makes you excited about love
at least you've got someone to share moments with you
and supports you
it's a pleasant thing to have someone be by your side
it's just one of the processes in life
I know how independent you are but you can still be with him
the reality is.. we can never find someone to match our dreams perfectly
we just find someone who suits perfectly for us.
On a side note: You've gotta stop doing things just to please 'her'
you are losing yourself with it
try listening to your heart and that connects to your thoughts.

*hugs*
A God-sent friend

Slowwwwww.....

Time is moving incredibly slow.

I wanna get home!!
There are million of things to do then, I'm sure. And events too. Kak Da and family will be moving into their new home in Kajang, brainstorming with mom n dad of the 9 goodies to get for him oh and also where to hold the ceremony, look out for our attire for the ceremony, buy things with him for starting a new life here (sigh.. :), get more things for me me me, tell abg and adik I love them so so very very much and nothing will change that tho I'll be booked, meet Ma and hear to what she has to say, grab Makcha to pour my little heart out, hang out with my dear cousins, nieces and nephews, and oh much much more!

Things to shop!
1) Perencah Nasi Kandar (yummy! can't wait to cook for you, baby. Though I know you'll say it's nice no matter how the food I make will torture your taste buds)
2) Brand new calendar book 2007
3) Bring more photos from home
4) Bedsheets!
5) Clothes and uhm.. i could use a new pair of jeans
6) Bday presents for Mai, Renae and Suc! (sorry guys)
7) Abg and Papa's bday presents
8) Mags
9) Toiletries (cleanser, moisturiser, toner)
10) Socks!
11) Mee Loong Foong (ask papa to get from Phg)
12) New housing and keypad for my hp
13) New earrings!

Ok I admit. Some of the things here are totally un-necessary and not things that I NEED. Who said I can't want? Anyway, I don't mind if things listed here will not be 100% satisfied. S' long I get my man to lay his cute bum here with me for the rest of my life, I'll be contented.

No, really.

Losing you

This entry is to clarify (after much thought and pondering), that referring to "A Sucker" entry, what I meant by "afraid of losing him" was not meant by us breaking up nor by divorce.

But "losing him" as in who he is, what he is and how he is right now to me.

*This, baby is my biggest fear of all*

I guess I got this from hearing far too many stories about husbands not turning out to be who they were before they got married. The nearer the Day comes, the more I hear about it. It just freaks me out. Perhaps, by the end of it all, it falls down to "rezeki". And all we can do about it right now is "tawakal" and hope that everything will fall to place.

i hate uncertainties

Merry Christmas

I hope it is not too late to wish everyone here and all over the globe a happy, happy Christmas!

A Sucker

Mai and her family are coming for lunch today and I made nasi ayam to welcome them. Meen bought the ingredients as I'm totally broke that I could eat sand right now (honestly!). So while waiting for them to arrive, we watch Christmas by Candlelight on telly. It was a repeat from last night and I just realized how much I've missed Xmas songs.

Anyway, as I was amazed by the ever gorgeous beauty Delta Goodrem I couldn't wait to hear Jessica Mauboy singing "All I want for Christmas is you". Can't help thinking of the story "Love Actually" and according to Meen, she does look like the girl in the movie while singing the number.

When High 5 came out to perform, one of them played a guitar and I couldn't help getting that flicker of emotion in my tummy and warm juices in my heart. Yes, people. Among all singers and performers in the world, High 5 reminded me of how much a sucker I am with guys playing guitars! Sigh.....

Last night he called as usual and we talked. Casually, as I told him I feel fat and ugly, he asked, what is my biggest fear. For a split second there, I've no clue whatsoever answer to that. There is no one thing that I fear of right now but losing him. He rationalized my emotions of being fat and ugly to worrying too much about 'the Day', which is absolutely true, baby. I worry of uncertainties.

Don't we all, I wonder.

Daddy dearest

It just hit me. Perhaps all my anxiety, worry, depression, mixed emotions came from realizing one thing that matters all my life.

*No longer a daddy's girl*

Don't get me wrong, baby. Spending my lifetime with you has always, always been playing in my mind and my dreams. Yet, still. I don't wanna be on my own. I still wanna hold on to daddy. I'm daddy's girl. I guess it'll hit me harder when the time comes for me to leave Msia and come back here with my future fiance.

I've no idea how people do it. How do you go from being a single person to having someone with you for the rest of your life? The transition is a huge step for me. It looks like an enormous gap for me to leap. I will leap, I'm sure I will. But how far do I go after that? Would I be walking straight or run? I do see him waiting for me on the other end. Yet at some parts of the journey it feels like I'll be going through it alone. Papa (as most fathers out there) has always, always wants (and he makes sure I get) the best for me. If every kid's dream in this world is to go to Disneyworld, he made sure I get to go. Not only one Disneyworld, but few disneys around the globe. If people dream of going to Paris, he made sure we (and my two brothers) get to go Paris and around Europe, not only once, but it has been 4 times. The sky is the limit with papa. Like Abg Zul once said recently, if my name's been uttered, say no more, and papa will provide.

I'm grateful for my fiance-to-be. He has been very supportive and encouraging. There's no one in the world I'd trade in to be in his shoes right now. He has been there since I was too young to even know how to wear makeup (he still teases me sometimes). He saw my flaws and listens to all my crazy thoughts. My insecurities, my worries, playing my 'what if' games (as he calls it), my smart thoughts and not-so-smart ones. He sees and listens to everything. Parts of me that I'm still ashamed of and parts that I'm proud of. He works hard for my dreams. So don't worry, papa because I believe and I trust that he will give me more if not, at par with what papa has and is giving me.

I pray a little harder now and my prayers are with you baby. God, if he is the one for me, for the rest of my life, then oh God please make my heart stronger to leave Papa's hold and to take his. Amin.

Countdown

30 days to go..

i'm scared. really. very scared.

Date

It is confirmed today.
Countdown to the date: 39 days left from today.

Break of Dawn

Can't sleep.

Perhaps knowing that it'll not be the way that is dreamed of all these while. There won't be 'the' celebration. It'll be more of 'her' event.
At times, I don't think I can handle the pressure.

Yes, I am afraid of commitment.
What if we fall out. What if he can't stand living with me. What if I can't stand living with him. What if suddenly he wakes up and realizes this is not how he wants his life to be. What if I experience a change of heart. What if I can't trust myself.
Yes, I am playing the 'what if' game.

Maybe it's not just that.

One Step

11:45am right now in msia and we have taken the first step.

Restless

Can't sleep. Wide awake by 4am. Tossed and turned finally at 6.30 decided to go dwnstairs n make instant noodles. Bright and shine outside on a summer day.

Looked at the dates for January. Decided on the 20th. Papa's bday touches the nxt day.

We'll see how it goes today. In approximately 7 hrs time.

Tomorrow

It's happening tmrw and feeling crappy with scrathy throat, slight cough and runny nose. Papa said everything's well. They got the wallpaper fixed frm Mowkie's doing, the gifts with light gold color theme and food catered for 80 - 100 ppl. Papa said everyone from his side is coming. Mama jst called a few frm her side.

His mom's arriving tday with his side of the family. About 20 ppl.

To be honest, I dnt quite know how I feel. Mixed with the bug in my head. Whatever it is, it's happening. Tomorrow.

Ring

He bought the ring today.

Realization

Came to a realization some time ago.

Maybe because it's not how it was dreamt to be.
It is our dream, but not mine.
And now learning to let go of my "dream" and be happy for ours.

Arrived

Left on the 4th and arrived on the 6th. Luggages were okay but I missed my flight frm Syd to Adl due to the flight delay in London. Thankfully I was put on the next flight to Adl at 12.25pm. Reached home, dragged luggages up the stairs to my room, showered and knocked on Meen's door. She screamed with surprise.

Long trip. Long days.

Last Day, Final Outing

Walk around Geneve city

The Last open house

The Men
The Women

And the children were all over the place it's hard to take pictures of them together. This is at uncle amran (the second man) 's house.

The Tram

A blurry and ugly picture of the tram ticket

Chamonix - Mont Blanc

We woke up early to go Mont Blanc. Aunty Aishah and Uncle Yunus's open house is in the afternoon.
Mont Blanc
The tunnel entering Mont Blanc

United Nation Bazaar

Lucky me I got to go inside the UN building. There were stalls from almost every country in the world! Here's one from Australia.

The Search for Villeroy and Boch

The long 6 hr journey
Luxembourg here we come!
Metz

Abg zul drove 6 hrs to Luxembourg to the Villeroy and Boch factory outlet. Lucky for us (Abg zul, Uncle Jimmy, Kak Da, Kak Nana, me, Bella, Yah and Zachary) even in the outlet itself it was on sale!! Kak Nana bought 2 sets and Kak Da bought one. I bought 3 mug and cookie saucer football villeroy and boch edition sets. And also a Luxembourg mug!

We stayed at Formule 1 hotel. Got my period. Tomorrow heading home back to Geneve.

Zach's Bday Party

Kak Nana's baby, Zachary turns one.

Today's the McDonald's party.

Family Day out

Badminton today.
Met the rest of the crowd. Aunty anne, aunty ainon, kak nana etc etc

Tonight open hse at uncle G and aunty G's house.

First open house

I reached Geneve at 11am, my luggages were delayed cos they missed the flight from London to Geneve and are on their way on the nxt plane. Already the family were invited to an open house at uncle suffian and aunty muzalmah's house. Uncle Am was invited for lunch at our home and we had kak da's ns beriyani. Later we left for uncle am's hse while waiting for abg zul to finish work. Watched "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" at his home theatre room.

When we reached the open hse, their kids, kak long, kak ngah, sarah and suraya were watching kabhi kushi kabhi gham repeatedly. Apparently Wan knows Mak Itam. I couldn't open my eyes watching movies while waiting for them to finish talking.

That nite I woke up at 4am. Couldn't get myself to sleep.

Swiss

Leaving London Heathrow airport to Geneve.

Leaving for Swiss tday. Adl - Syd - London - Geneve.

Perhaps I needed the break. My ticket's confirmed for a month. My last trip. Bachelorette trip. I hope I do find what I've been seeking for.

Confusion

I should be happy. I know.
I've always imagined I'd be ecstatically happy when the time comes.
Yet today tonight there are none.

Am I doing the right thing?

A New Beginning

He comes
At 11am
Nervously waiting

.. and he's officially accepted

Changing life

It is time to make the decision.
A lifetime decision.

Home

Back in Msia for 12 days.

Raya

Tomorrow will be that time of the year again.

-Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri 2006-

Wish

*i grief for the loss of person i want to become and my family wants me to become of*

Why bother?

I learned something small today. But perhaps can change and become something big for me in my future.

I learned that sometimes when people in crisis/trouble comes and talk to you, they come with an intention for you to only hear.
Sometimes they come wanting you to hear and understand them.
Sometimes they come wanting you to hear them, understand them, and say what they want to hear from you.
And sometimes they come wanting you to hear them, understand them, say what they want to hear from you, and ask for opinions and suggestions from you that doesn't require them to lower their ego, make the first move or make the change happen.

So why bother?

Empty

She had just left 2 days ago.
Empty room. Empty space.
A big empty space.
Out there and in here..

Power to "Be"

Be who you are and say what you feel
Because those who mind don't matter
And those who matter don't mind

Cartoon Character

Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble? A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test: Answer all the questions with what describes you best, then add up all your points at the end and look for your results. Then forward this to all your friends and change the subject of this message to what character fits you..

And I am.. Charlie Brown!!

You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

=)

Adverts

Found an advert people making fun of Malaysian and their armpits.
And a german-malay-german F1 race car advert by Petronas.
Cool.

http://myvocalchords.blogspot.com/

The Unknown

One of my good old friends, Fikri sent his "personal statement" (as he calls it) application to universities in the States or UK pursuing his Masters degree in film-making for me to have a brief read.

Here's what caught me most.

"People are generally afraid of that which they do not know. Though understandable, it is something I want to change."

I have to give credit to him for this particular statement.
For he has found the hero in himself.

As how we say it here "down-under"..

g'd on ya, mate!

News

He got it =)

High Explorers

"..because we take chunks of our life experiences; then we explore and analyze them"

Joy, my supervisor tonight told us that counsellors are high explorers. Not many are high explorers so what we are may not apply to others. I figure we should always be aware of our expectations.

If only it is that easy to not have expectations.

Love Actually

They were showing one of my all-time favourite movies, Love Actually tonight.
So naturally, we huddled on our sofas in front of the telly and watched it.
Ooo-ing and ahh-ing along the way.

*Love is. Love does. Love doesn't hurt*

the core of intimacy

If I am I because I am I

And you are you because you are you

Then I am and you are

But if I am I because you are you

And you are you because I am I

Then I am not and you are not

bdays..

It's his bday today. And Adik's.

Irwin's death

I watched Terri Irwin's interview with Ray tonight on channel 9.

During the memorial thing they did for Steve, Bindi wrote a letter/poem about her dad. She waited for the crowd to stop applauding before starting. She's just 8 reading with her pointy finger over each word she had written. I thought to myself, she seems to be very strong and collected personality. She is. Almost just like her father, how we know him. She looks everything like her father.

My thoughts, my prayers, goes to you, Bindi.
Your strength, your wisdom, your passion, your optimism, I share them with you.

Terri spoke and walked us out into the journey of her's and Steve's. And how she saw him through her eyes. His joyous spirit, his tough times, their thoughts, their promises, the kids BobBob and Bindi, his humility, his spontaneity and how she can go on and on talking about him. Describing him through her eyes just as we see him. They both joked about how he would die. He said it would be from a car crash and Terri said he'll fall off a tree. But never by animals. He was never stung by a venomous snake. He was a professional.

Terri ended the interview by saying she has to climb this mountain by herself, and to me, she's climbing the mountain herself with millions of people around the world, holding hands below every step of climb she takes.

Steve Irwin died Sept 4th, 2006.

Suicides, guns, killings, sudden deaths and coping

These are the things and thoughts that fill my mind half of the day today. To be able to come home with these thoughts in my head are not easy. Neither for myself nor my housemates. And I resort to Willy Wonka hot chocolate and hot shower. Now before bed, here are my thoughts.

More than the stories I have to hear during classes and tutorials just now, it was Oprah's stories that came to my mind more profoundly right now.

A mother lost his 16 yr old son in a house fire while he was going downstairs trying to wake his stepbrother.

A crippled 13 yr old boy in an automatic wheelchair with support system all around him since he was 3, touched a young surgeon's life and gave him the strength to wake up each morning to work.

A viewer bought Oprah's shoes in an auction and wore them everytime she needs courage to stand on her own and now she is able to stand in her own shoes.

Where do these people get their strength and will are amazing. How one touch another's life is world peace that we're all talking about. Thank god for Oprah, our networking are moving and enables us to touch and move others in better directions.

World peace may not be possible, but this we can.

On a much more personal note, my father is my idol, is my hero. May God bless him with joy every second of his life because only He knows how much he needs and deserves it.

I have a thing..

I have a thing for passionate people.

The way they speak of the things they are into.
The way they sing it.

The way their eyes becomes glossy and determine with strong emotions.
The way their face changes in every depth they take.

The way their veins becomes visible with every rush of their blood.
The way they cackle with intonations.

I have a thing for passionate people.
They're the ones making changes to the world..
possible.

Animal cruelty

I'm depressed.

Polar bears are dying due to global warming. Their hunting season gets shortened and they die from hunger.

Human beings are the biggest threat to animals.

First day Ramadhan

Menu for breaking fast tonight:
Popia
Fried Mee Hoon
Beef Kurma (from Mai)

Selfish good-deed?

There is no such thing as a self-less good deed. All good deeds are selfish.
-Phoebe, Friends

I believe this.

I do.

The Runaway

When he doesn't feel the love from his parents that he has in his "ideal" world - or like society puts how parents supposed to be - it's easy for him to feel rejection, abandonment, low self-esteem, devalued, unloved/unlovable, unworthy.

Then he becomes vulnerable.

And he starts running.

Once he starts running, it becomes hard to stop.

*forgive me if I still stutter from all the love that clutter in my head*

*I will take a broken heart. If I get all the pieces*

Chocolate caramel anyone..?

Suc and I usually have "small" pep talks before we doze off. Here's a fraction of it.

5 reasons why I hate chocolate caramel
1. It gets stuck in my teeth *yuck*
2. It tickles my throat
3. It is too sweet for my liking
4. I hate the goo-ey bits when I bite into the chocolate and it goes around everywhere (Suc agrees)
5. The world should ban caramel

Nuts and fruits should be eaten solely as it is.
One does not have to feel guilty to eat chocolate.

Chocolates are delicate and shall be treated and eaten as such.
They should melt in our mouth and slide smoothly down our throats, warming our tummies.
They shall not be munched on like eating apples.

That night I dreamt being chased by a green carrot.

2 AM

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"

Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites.
You're all here for the very same reason'

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."

Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.

Breathe, just breathe.

- Anna Nalick

Surprise

Here’s how it goes.

It was the eve of my birthday. Adil wanted me to accompany him to the MASCA meeting which according to him, there’s something important he wants to ask the committee members. I didn’t wanna go since I know NO ONE there and didn’t wanna create something unpleasant especially when I’ve never attended one before. However, Meen agreed to follow us so that’s fine. Plus, there’s free bbq =)

So here we were. Taking pictures of our shoes :p

Then we went to the bazaar which only started this week and will be on every Saturday from now on. We bought Cold Rock and walked around aimlessly. Meen wanted to develop pictures and I followed her to find what and where the cheapest rate to get them done. Then we spent a few hours in the mobile phone shop where she wanted to budget herself to a new phone. Adil left us there and asked us to wait for him in Rundle. Haz wants to meet up with him for a while. The night before, Meen said they’re having problems. So Meen and I went to Borders and check out some books available. We went through some little party creations for a BBQ party I intend to organize next Saturday with Meen to celebrate our birthdays (hers on Sept 7th).

I wanted to treat us all to a bday dinner tonight so we can get together and enjoy before 12am (just like we did last year, it was fun). When I asked, they didn’t seem too keen on the idea. So I just let it go. Maybe I’ll make my famous black forest cheesecake tomorrow and have a small celebration. Then we’ll party next Saturday with BBQ. That was all in my mind.

On our way home, somehow I got this crazy idea of renting a car. Car rentals here only give cheaper rental rates to people 25 years and above. So since I’ve no other plans on my bday and the following week, neither does Meen, I decided to rent a car in celebration of the 25 and we go on a road trip to Melbourne!! It all sounded so exciting. Just the two of us. I couldn’t stop talking about it the whole way back home.

Little did I know.

The rest of them were all at home planning and preparing a surprise bday bash for me.

And I thought nothing will happen on my bday this year. It is just about to begin.

Now the rest is a beautiful, memorable birthday bash history.

10 Things in my Wish List

1. Cat/s
2. Guitar
3. Call Japan
4. Go Swiss again
5. Get a bloody CAR!!
6. Go on a road trip
7. Snuggle up with mowkie
8. A "cougar" glow in the dark puzzle
9. An enormous stuffed bear
10. Another piercing

Butterfly

To Love and To Live

Hopeless and helpless

what's the point..
what does it matter anymore..
maybe i should just move on..

My Escape

There are a lot of questions I want to ask you
Of the way you treated me when I was young..

So much confusion and so much that I couldn't make sense of
Because in my own small world of understanding
This isn't how it's supposed to be..

If I am not capable of it
If I am not worth of who I am
Then what am I doing here
If I can't satisfy you
And it seems that I keep on hurting you
Then what worth am I here

Maybe I was not supposed to be here
Neither did I ask to be born
Instead of making me the ideal you
Can you accept me whole as one?

I look back at those days.. years even
So much confusion
So much hurt
So much pain
But now all I understand is
You did the best you can

Perhaps that's why I kept on wanting to run away
Live far away just to separate myself
So I can see who I am truly

Then allowing myself to be

Comfortable

In my own skin

Family dynamics

a lot has happened these few days.

made me think somewhere between family values, dynamics and independency.

the irony of seeing how intense love spreads in a broken family.
perhaps love seeps through the broken family. mending it so they stick together.
i guess some families are meant to be broken. to make way for love to come in.

funny thing, love is.

love plays.

Everyone's home

Bloody hot water did not work last nite.

Still icy cold by this morning.

Called up Trisha then Spiro came around 5pm. No gas. Equals to no hot water.

It turned out that Origin is a gas company that had been supplying our gas to the previous tenants. They sent out a few letters giving warning about the gas bill. The letters were addressed to "The Occupier". As heaps of letters to the previous tenants arrive to us, I blatantly assume it's just another perhaps an advertising company addressed to the previous tenants.

How wrong.

5.45pm the company is already closed. Luckily Spiro is nice enough to help us out and the best he could do for us is to get them connect it back by tomorrow afternoon after 3pm. Tonight will be an episode of showering the olden days style. Boiling hot water in the kettle and mix them with cold water in a bucket. That'll do.

Emma is back. Her family's all here.

Meen's papa and her youngest bro Emer arrived this morning and they're staying at Adil's place. Meen has very similar gestures as her papa that it sometimes freaks me. Very nice man with good humour and fun to hang around with. He treated us all including Adil n Haz to the reknown restaurant "Pondok Bali". Food was superb.

Good company + Good food = Good nite sleep

Meen's return

Wanted to blog last nite but had company.

Meen got back yesterday morning.

6.53am she successfully woke me up to ask for some change to pay the taxi driver. Humm.. and I was convinced that that only happen in Msia. Taxi drivers without change.

Made breakfast for us. Adil came and joined us for breakfast. Went uni. Came back 9.15pm to find Adil, Haz and Mai were there talking and "celebrating" Meen's return. Sweet ain't it? Anyway, the night progresses as we congregrated in the living room and then up in my room until 3am that they decided to sleep over.

My IKEA magnet board is proudly hanging on the wall over my desk. Now I've a work station in my room. Cool.

This morning we all went out to complete our tasks for the day, and hang out at Adil's for dinner as he had prepared an impressive art of a dining table etiquette. Made chicken kurma and Haz did the veggie. Lovely dinner at Adil's combined with Haz's "teh tarik" and Max Brener's "immitation version" of hot chocolate for dessert, Meen and I walked it all off back to our house tonight.

We talked about various issues on the way home.

Thought of the day:
I had felt the intensity of love. But I'd never beg a man for it.

A Creed for Tomorrow's Child

A child learns what she lives,

If a child lives with criticism, she learns to condemn.
with hostility, she learns to fight.
with ridicule, she learns to be shy.
with shame, she learns to feel guilt.

If a child lives with tolerance, she learns to be patient.
with encouragement, she learns confidence.
with fairness, she learns justice.
with security, she learns to have faith.
with approval, she learns to like herself.

And if a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
she learns to find love in the world.

by Anon

My Rights

I have the right to be responsible for my own life,
To accept and respect myself and others,
To feel happy, satisfied and allow inner peace,
To take care of my whole being - my body, my mind, my spirit.

I have the right to be imperfect,
To be aware of and fulfill my own needs,
To have dreams, goals and ideals - and to make them happen,
To have and express all my emotions.

I have the right to tell others how I want to be treated,
To allow people to help without feeling guilty, unworthy or dependent,
To get what I pay for,
To have a healthy, life enhancing relationships where communication is valued.

I have the right to make conscious decisions to change relationships,
To change, emerge and expand in new directions,
To have my own beliefs, ideas, values without apology to anyone,
To live in the present moment, free of guilt in the past and worry for the future.

I have the right to relax, let go, to 'do' nothing.

Ruth Sharon, Colorado.

El Maco *yuck*

el maco tasted like any other cheeseburger with extra sauce on it.

note:
not to watch adverts on tv before leaving house.
not to go to the city after uni.

the garbage ppl picked up our trash this morning. i returned from uni and dragged my bin inside only to find it heavier.

opened the lid.

it was 3/4 full with trash topped with a heapfull of letters addressed to unit 9.

it's Tara's unit. she told me she stole a bin too from the front street few months ago.

hmm...

At some stage you will experience plateau - as if everything has stopped. Once the process has started it doesn't stop: it will only appear to stop from where you are looking.

- Ram Dass

Stolen bin, mouse and memory card reader

I stole a green garbage bin today.

It was stationed by the streets for the garbage man to come and empty it for nearly 2 weeks now. So I crossed my fingers, looked left, right, front and back before sneaking it into our garage. There. Finally after more than a month moving into Cardwell Street, I have a bin. No more tip-toeing outside in the middle of the night to throw rubbish in the neighbour's bin.

Tara bought a car and fitted it into our garage tonight. Second hand for Aud2200. Not bad, eh. Excuse my ignorance I did not take note of the car type, name and all. A reasonably small car.

The long awaited mouse and memory card reader has made its way into my hands.

Grieving heart

There's an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with, "How are you" and "I'm fine."
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything -
except the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we walk together.
It is constantly in our minds.
For you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all.
But we do not talk about the elephant.
"Oh please say her name, please say "Barbara" again."

Please talk about this elephant.
For if we talk about her death,
Perhaps we can talk about her life?
May I say "Barbara" to you, and have you not look away.
For if I may not, then you are leaving me.
Alone.
In a room.
With an elephant.

-Terry Kettering

When the heart is cracked, cut or broken,
Do not clutch it, let the wound lie open.

Let the wind from the good old sea blow
in,
To bathe the wound with salt, and let it
sting.

Let a stray dog lick it, let
a bird lean in the hole and sing,
A simple song like a
tiny bell, and let it ring.

Let it go. Let it out.
Let it all unravel. Let it be free
and it can be, a path on which to travel.

- A PATH ON WHICH TO TRAVEL -

They said

They said I will become a Creator.
I'll be experimenting with creating what I imagine.

They said I will see life as a journey.
I'll be expressing whatever I'll become to be to the world and prepare for what I'd be getting back.

They said I'll be leading life looking for solutions.
I'll be a workaholic and become like my father.

But you know what, I think that is what I have become. And I'm looking forward to see more of it.

My birthday is coming up. Exactly 30 days from today.

Men need to be loved to feel love.

Women need to feel love to be loved.

-Joy Anasta-

The bigger picture..

This was forwarded to my email tonite by mom.

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Muslim women who share a secret love
Posted on 28/06/2006
Islam, rather than Western culture’s focus on sexual freedom, shapes day-to-day reality for a third of the world’s Anglicans. Malay women who convert to Christianity are forced to live a double-life. KATRIN ARNHOLZ spoke to one of them.
Under Kamariah’s* photo on her Malaysian identification card is her ethnicity. Right under that her gender, and to the left: Islam. But the 28-year-old woman with the angular eyeglasses and the broad smile is Christian. She belongs to the largest ethnic group in Malaysia—the Malays. According to the official census, Malays number 65 per cent of the population. In Malaysia, Kamariah says, a Malay is a Muslim by definition. “A Malay is a Muslim. Full stop,” she says. Few dare to go public if they convert to Christianity.
One man who has publicly converted is the well-known yachtsman, Azhar Mansor, who in 1999 sailed around the world in 190 days without the aid of an engine. The main mast of his yacht broke around Cape Horn. He managed, nevertheless, to reach the Faulkland Islands to repair the mast. What happened on the way between the cape and the islands is subject to speculation. The internet is full of questions by Muslims as to whether Mansor – who no longer lives in Malaysia – is really converted. And there is much discussion among Christians as well. Kamariah’s version is that Mansor, about to drown in the sea, was saved by a dolphin, and that Jesus appeared to him soon after.
Lina Joy did not intend to become famous when she requested officially to leave Islam in 2001. She succeeded in changing her name, Azlina Jailani, to Lina Joy, but the government’s National Registration Department refused to delete ‘Islam’ from her identification card. For such decisions, it is not the government departments that are responsible, but the Syariah Court – the court in Malaysia which supervises Muslims’ adherence to Islam. To the disadvantage of Lina Joy, the judge ruled, ‘As the plaintiff is a Malay, she is subjected to the laws of Islam until she dies’.
She has appealed the decision several times, and her latest appeal will appear soon before the High Court in Kuala Lumpur. Then it will be determined whether the Syariah Court has jurisdiction over those people who want to convert out of Islam. Article 11 (of the Malaysian Constitution) promises freedom of religion. “It is true for all the other faiths, but not for Muslims who want to leave Islam”, says Kamariah.
She and the 34-year-old Natasha* are the only ethnic Malays in the international church they visit. “Many Malay Christians hide themselves and meet secretly”, explains Kamariah. They are still registered as Muslims. In two months, Kamariah will start a business which plans weddings. But the business intends to do much more: it will also offer free pre-marital counselling. The counselling will be based on the principles of the Bible. Kamariah had to negotiate this plan with the relevant authorities - and the plan was approved.
The identification card of converted Muslims becomes a problem when they want to marry, because by Islamic law, a Muslim can only marry another Muslim.
“The only way to get legally married is to marry a Malay Christian who is also still on paper a Muslim”, says the young woman. “But then our children will also be Muslims on paper, and their children, and the circle is never broken. But if we want to change our identification cards, it won’t happen without problems.” The Syariah Court can decide to put me in prison”, explains Kamariah. Therefore she does not think now of marrying or of changing her identity card, and she lives – like most single adults in Malaysia – with her Muslim parents. They do not know that their daughter is a Christian. “Here I must be careful whom I confide in”, Kamariah says. “Some Malays are tolerant, but others would not hesitate to turn me in to the Syariah Court. If they didn’t turn me in, then others might think that they were cooperating to hide me – and that is not good at all in Islam.”
Kamariah became a Christian in 2000 after being in a two-year relationship with a Chinese Christian. “I was always envious; he had a relationship with his God. My God was far away, unattainable,” she remembers. “His prayers were answered. Mine were not.” So Kamariah decided one day to entrust her life to Jesus. Since then much has changed. Even though she does not speak with her parents about Christianity, she prays in her house. “Suddenly my mother took the Koran verses off the wall and instead hung up a picture of some flowers”, she says happily. One day, she hopes, she will not have to hide her faith any longer. “I wish that more Malay Christians would come out publicly and go to church and not meet secretly. That would be a break-through in our society.”
*Names have been changed

Perhaps just a decade ago muslims in Msia particularly would have not come up with such thing. Then again, a decade ago I was too self-involved with my needs; confused and angry at the whole world. Nevertheless, in my small world, conversions of muslims (to another religion) was not a matter of choice nor was a subject of discussion at dinner table. It was something known and taught to us children that it's not an option for us to even think about.

I am no religious girl and not proud of it. Nor am I highly ignorant of religious practice. Just another ordinary girl dipping her toes into issues and seeking out answers to the curious and wondering mind.

I've heard stories about people converting to islam because they heard a calling from "azan" and such. People in my surroundings would get all hyped up and continuosly say because islam is the one and only true religion. How is that different to other religions? They say the same thing about their religion too. Why do some people get all worked up and challenge others to change their minds about their own religion? Is it hard to accept that we're just two different people believing in two different Gods? Why would people want to keep on proving to others that their religion is the best?

Funny how similar the two religions are yet different beliefs.

I guess in the bigger picture we all are afraid of being the minority. Perhaps.

Just another train of thought.